Avoidance - my worst enemy - How do I stop avoiding and just FOCUS?

[Jeff]

If there is one thing that keeps me from moving forward in my life, it's the constant state of avoidance that my mind defaults to.

I recognize that I need to work on my SA (cbt). I recognize that I need to excersize, watch my diet, improve my career, etc etc etc etc. But for some reason, just recognizing my unhealthy behavior is not enough to get me moving and do what I know I need to do.

Instead, I find myself on the internet, A LOT, or watching tv, or thinking about things other than my problems (like sports, etc). It's as though my mind is protecting me from the discomfort (pain) by escaping into these little worlds of instant gratification.

And when I try to withhold those sources of escape for a day or two, I can hardly stand it. I crave that escape online, or that escape in my mind. It's like some horrible drug addiction.

I'm just curious if anyone has found a method to help them focus on things. To shut out the negative thoughts and just do what you know you need to do to better your life. Is there anything you tell yourself to work hard each day and do what you need to do?

[polythene]

I do this often too, though I tend to avoid things I 'must' do - homework, regularly attending classes, communicating more regularly with people, attempting to find and hold down a job. The core problem is similar, though: I often tell myself that it's 'okay' to have indulgences (like you: the Internet, movies, reading crappy novels), but I fully realize I indulge myself too much and too often. I forget where to draw the line, and often use my depression and anxiety to excuse my behavior and lack of motivation.

I know this is treating the symptom and not the cause, but I find it helps to eliminate distractions as completely as I can. I physically try to remove myself from them, and to put myself in environments where I can be productive (i.e. not my house). I also think you might want to look into finding a good CBT therapist, as it sounds like you've been meaning to.

There's really no advice I have for getting odious tasks done other than "just do them." Organizing your time and activities well gives you more space to get things like this done: to-do lists and calendars help.

[Haydsmom2007]

It takes time. And yes avoidance is literally like an addictive drug. You avoid something or someone, and you get that intense moment of relief... and that solidifies in your mind that avoiding is the way to go. When you're just making things worse. I don't know how, but you just have to force yourself to go into things that cause anxiety and just deal with the anxiety. let it come. I've been really positive lately, I made a list of things that i'm going to start doing. Avoiding avoiding is my number one thing. Im going to just force myself to keep going and holding my head up and saying hi to whoever instead of sneaking off or getting my phone out and pretending like I didn't see them.

[hopena]

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[Breakfast0fChampions]

Like others have said before me, I'm dealing with intense avoidance, too. My medication has removed much of my anxiety, but the habit of avoidance is still alive and kicking.

I have some tips I try to utilize for myself, not very well, but perhaps they'll work better for you:

1) Give yourself a reward after you've accomplished something you were avoiding. For example, if you need to study, study for an hour or forty-five minutes and then give yourself 15 minutes of something pleasurable (whatever that is for you: a video game, reading a blog, watching sports, etc.) If you need to exercise, set up a reward for when you're done with it or have reached a goal. Example: Once I've exercised at least five days a week for at least three weeks, I'll buy that <whatever would be a treat for you>.

2) Repeat motivating thoughts to yourself. "One foot in front of the other" is one I like using. It reminds me to keep going step by step instead of trying to make leaps.

3) This builds on #2: take things step by step. If you think to yourself "Tomorrow I'll go out and run for 20 minutes and make every meal healthy and get a start on looking for opportunities to advance in my career" you're extremely likely to 'fail' tomorrow, because you're taking on way too many things at a time. Start small, and build up. This goes for exposures especially, because if you don't start small you'll flood yourself and exacerbate your anxiety instead of decrease it.

Hope this helps somewhat, or inspires someone else to build on or correct what I've mentioned.

[rdrr]

this is a major problem for me; i always feel bad after saying i don't wanna do something when i really do because of the anxiety and fear. i know the only way I will get comfortable is if i force myself to gradually experience it. I also know I shouldn't default to bad past situations and fears I've had that cause me to avoid, but when something happens enough times, how can you not find it true? I also feel bad when I get the courage and confidence to go, and find it was ridiculous that I even considered not going. I think the avoidance stems from not feeling part of the group and feeling out of place and being the 'weird' one with my group of friends. Anyone have any good tips please pm me with some ideas. i know if i can conquer this i can get rid of sa 100%.

[jellybelly]

Avoidance is my main problem. My social anxiety symptoms really aren't unbareable; I'm fortunate enough to not suffer from panic attacks or physical shaking etc. I do go hot and red with racing heart and it sure is uncomfortable, but I can cope with it, I know because I've coped so far. Yet I still avoid. Recently, I actually did something I had been putting off for a year; I booked and attended a fitness test at the gym. The amount of times I had walked through reception intending to book a test and then wimping out is shocking. But amazingly one day I did it. I think it may because I hadn't intended on doing it that day (had more or less given up the idea) and it wasn't planned so I hadn't built up enough nerves. Then the test was cancelled so I had to book again. At first I didn't think I could do it, but success builds of success and I did it. The test itself was embarassing and the worst my actual SA had been in such a long time, but not really so worth avoiding. Annoyingly, I still avoid, as I am too scared to go in the weight section of the gym again and if I avoid it next time, that's it I probably won't go there again.

So my advice would be to start small, but don't think about it too much. Maybe do something a little bit scary, but not overwhelmingly so. And this, I think is the key bit: do not rest too much inbetween trying it again or trying something a little different or harder. It's so easy to fall back into avoidance as I have recently re-discovered. The little push inbetween exposures might be hard, but it's so much easier than the bigger push that is needed if you leave it too long. It is hard and scary, but I really do think success breeds success. Keep going! We can all do it

[Jeff]

I'd like to respond to a few of you who offered some tips:

polythene - Yes, to do-lists do help. I probably plan way too much. I write everything down. But you're right, sometimes having a plan for the day can really help.

Haydsmom - I love your phrase: "Avoiding Avoiding". I've tried over the past couple of months to make a list of behaviors to avoid each day. I go down the list at the end of everyday and checkoff the things I was successful in avoiding. Problem is, I tend to cheat myself by allowing a few minutes here and there......which often turn into a few hours.

Breakfast - Rewards are good. I'm going to try that more often. It's funny you mentioned the 'one foot in front of the other' approach. My first counselor way back in college used to drill into my head the idea of 'baby steps'. And it was a thought that always helped me. I think I need to get back to that.

Jellybelly - You said: Success breeds success. I agree. Even the smallest successes give me a positive-high that no medication ever could. Success does have a way of fueling more success. I couldn't agree more. I also like your comment about not allowing long gaps between successes. Very true.



Thank you all for your comments!

[hopena]

I edited out my miserable comment from last night (I meant to do so last night, but I crawled onto the couch and lost myself in a TV show, before falling asleep on the couch).

A couple of years ago, I listened to Wayne Dyer tapes, when in the shower (showering twice a day). I left the bathroom feeling more relaxed and motivated... and I think I'll try that today. When I don't want to get out of bed, the thought of a hot shower and a mug of tea usually helps (eventually). I remind myself of how good I'll feel once I get something done.

There's a flower essence that works for me at times; unfortunately, I can't find my little bottle, so I need to get some more when I can. It's called Clematis, and it's supposed to help you to focus (you can find it on a list of Bach remedies, and order it via the internet, if interested). Another one is Avocado, from Masters/Spirit-In Essences. Instructions are usually to take it for a week or more, but I just take them until I feel better (in this case, until I realize that it's working, because I was in and out of the shower in five minutes, instead of dawdling, enjoying the feel of being under the water, bright sunshine coming through the window, the music; or that I loaded the dishwasher whilst waiting for the kettle to boil for my morning mug of tea. You get the idea. )

My mother ordered me a supplement called Eleviv, in September, when she was worried about me (I'd hit rock bottom). It calmed my anxiety, and helped me to sleep... it also helped me to be more "with it" in my daily life, even as I felt as though I was getting sick. When I first started taking it, I was up one morning at 3am, and had the dogs bathed between 5am and 6am (rather than putting it off until later). It's overpriced, though, in my opinion ($70), and I've had similar results when I took a blue-green algae supplement, in the past.

Watching home-improvement shows, such as Trading Space, in the past, had me up and getting things done around the house (watching the participants clean and move things, in preparation for painting, left me looking around at the things I needed to get done, and feeling guilty). I'd rinse off cups, dishes and silverware, and load the dishwasher whilst watching it on the little kitchen TV, get a load of laundry started during the breaks...

So my advice would be to start small, but don't think about it too much. Maybe do something a little bit scary, but not overwhelmingly so. And this, I think is the key bit: do not rest too much inbetween trying it again or trying something a little different or harder. It's so easy to fall back into avoidance as I have recently re-discovered.

This is one way in which I've messed up in the past.. as well as messing up in the opposite way" pushing myself too hard (as Breakfast0fChampions mentioned above). I'm not feeling at all motivated at the moment, but I'm sure that will pass in a couple of days. Ever since I overcame agoraphobia, I've had more of a need to get out of the house when I feel anxious and/or depressed, so I'm hoping to find - and build on - my old motivation.

(I might edit this post, when this latest feeling of over-sensitivity has passed, and I can think of something other than wanting to go back to sleep.)

[freshjive]

You just gotta do it. Often I just force myself to do things even if Im not feeling confident and good.

Dont want to talk to people? Just do it. Afraid to say something? Just do it.

This has really helped me lately. As a result I've felt a lot more confident. Am I completely confident? No, but I feel much better.