Anyone else go into SA-overdrive in college?

[tvgirl48]

I am currently in my freshman year of college and am now pretty much totally alone. In high school, it was easy to kind of hang out with some people and make semi-friends because you're constantly forced to be around everyone else and there's lots of downtime like between classes or during lunch where you can't leave and have to deal with being around people.
Now that I'm in college, I am wondering how on earth people make friends here. It seems like the first week people made their friend groups really quickly and now they are set in stone. I get the first stage of friendship, the talking part and I talked to a lot of people my first few weeks and I try to talk to people at group meetings and things, but I can never get to the next level of a friendship into the realm of actually hanging out with others. No one ever asks me to go anywhere and there's no way I'm going to impose myself on others. Of course, the problem with that is even if I would get invited somewhere, I am extremely avoidant of possible awkward situations and I avoid any socializing activities because I can't convince myself they are worth the stress, but I still really hate being alone.

I've always been socially awkward and now that I'm out of high school and my one friend from high school is at another college, I am so alone. I go to a college two hours away from my home and I am incredibly miserable and lonely. I can't imagine spending four years here all alone without anyone to talk to, but I just don't know what to do. You really have to force yourself to get out there and meet people because in college all you do is go to class then back to the dorm and if you don't make a conscious effot you really don't meet people. And the problem is I've been socially isolated so long that I feel like I can't really relate to anyone else because they all lead such different lives than me with friends and weekend plans and boyfriends.

Anyone else out there have this problem in college? Or did anyone overcome this problem and have helpful advice?

(All I could think about today was the song "The ***** of Living" from Spring Awakening and the line of "It's the ***** of living, of living in your head." Man that is my life right there.)

[HoneyyDew]

It seems like you already know what you got to do, you have to "force yourself out there and meet people." But, now you have to apply this concept. Try joining some clubs or something, that's usually where others meet new people. And yeh, I know what you mean about not being able to relate to people, because you've been so socially inactive for so long. But, you shouldn't let that self-consciousness get in your way--I know it's hard. Everything takes determination.

[fizzywater]

I found that a fairly unintimidating way to meet people in college is to ask someone in one of your classes if they want to study together for a test or work on some homework together. That way when you get together you already have things to talk about which takes a little bit of the pressure off... and if you don't end up becoming friends, at least you got some studying done.

[er52]

I feel the same way, a good way to meet people is ask if you can join them/ if they want to join you for lunch or dinner. Especially if they are in a big group, then you get some company, but you can fade into the background and don't feel pressure to talk.

[mikailum]

College can be tough when you have social anxiety, but it's also a great opportunity to learn, try new things, and discover who you are. My advice would be to try not to let your anxiety inhibit you from seizing opportunities.

- Find activities that you like, and look for clubs where you might be able to make some acquaintances. For me, music was one of my interests, so I joined the university marching band. I didn't make a ton of friends, but I did make a few.

- Identify classes that you like, and get to know professors. Going to office hours can be intimidating but it's less so if you're really interested in the material. Professors are always impressed with people that make the effort to get to know them outside of class.

- Don't worry about fitting in. Unlike high school, college is a place where the risk of being "judged" is a lot less. Just work on getting to know yourself, who you are and who you want to become.

Obviously it's tough to be optimistic when you're feeling lonely, but college is really a great opportunity. Think of where you'll be 10 or 20 years from now ... when you look backwards, what will you want to have accomplished?

[LALoner]

"It seems like the first week people made their friend groups really quickly and now they are set in stone."

Yeah, that's college. That is how I remember it, though unlike you I remember HS being worse. My advice is DON'T join clubs, that never works. Joining a sports team works, even if its just a club team playing a sport people make fun of. I'm on the wrong side of 30 and have given this advice to young people before and they never really understood it, but I'm going to give it again: know what kind of person you are. Some people aren't meant for socializing in large groups. Some people are meant to just have one or two close friends. And lots of people are really programmed in a way so that they're main form of socializing is romantic. In college these people tend to have 1-3 relationships that are sort of "mini marriages". Thats how some people are, they mostly just want to be with a romantic partner, some people want one or two super close friends and some people like to belong to a large group that does everything together. My uncle has a circle of friends that plan all their vacations together, everywhere they go its 10-15 people all going together. Some people are like that, some people aren't.

College is so expensive now, I'm so glad I went when it was cheaper. I had such a mediocre time, if I had effing loans to pay off for that crap I'd have a heart attack.

[jim695]

I did too when I was in college.

In fact I think that is when my SA starting getting much worse. You leave your family and the friends you grew up with and you are stuck living with strangers and away from home.

Yes, that can be a very very difficult time and it was very much for me. I retreated into myself very badly during my college years. I went to a lot of stoned out and drunken parties but it is easy to hide in those situations since everyone is stoned to the gills. It was a very very lonely time for me even though I had a few girfriends.

[Draztek]

You wrote my story.

[MavenMI6Agent009]

university got me motivated for five years but finally started having panic attacks after being in so many clubs so trying to practice out in the field to desensitive mysrlf backfired.

[mypasswordneverworks]

being a transfer student is worse than being a freshman. My sa was bad during my first year that I only said 1-2 words to my roommates. I did one group thing with one girl who had a lot of friends and she turned my life around.

all it takes is one person & you're in---just like that one movie said!