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Is it normal to be 25 and have no female friends?

1K views 15 replies 6 participants last post by  Moxi 
#1 ·
Why is it so hard to find female friends?
This is something that only started around the age of 18 for me.. When I started discovering "myself".

I find that since creating more boundaries, I've lost a significant amount of friends. Truthfully. Things like "I'm no longer going to let people use me " " I will not let people be racist around/toward me" these are just examples of course.

When I make new friends I give it my all. I try not to overdue it but I make it a point to let you know I want to maintain the friendship... But I always end up in one sided friendships .. And eventually for the sake of my anxiety I have to let them go. And back to square one (no one wants to be lead on)

I'm grateful for my boyfriend but he is a man and don't really understand females himself.. Anyways just needed to vent. I have tried everything from changing myself to joining clubs! What is it? I find most women get jealous of me and not express or tell me and then build up resentment..(not being conceited this happens EVERYTIME, I'd rather work through the resentment but oh well.. Can't force the, to overcome obstacles if they don't want to) and then BOOM our friendship is over bc of something stupid and silly. I'd really like to reach out to my old female friends but then I'd be going back to the old me.. Always TRYING to be friends with people ..who don't want to be friends with me.. Always in a one sided friendship. I love my boyfriend but I just want a girl to talk with is that so bad? Why does everything have to be a contest? Since being burned so many times I don't even try anymore.. Making my anxiety worse.. How do I not get discouraged? This cycle really sucks
 
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#2 ·
Obviously from a male perspective, but I suppose, was the old you necessarily bad? I justified my anxiety for years saying it was other people who were bad, but then I realised they certainly didn't help, but I didn't either. I forgave and even though I wanted many friendships, most were too long gone due to self-imposed isolation. I think one day you'll find (hopefully a female friend) who you click with. If not then overcoming anxieties and insecurities or setting goals can just make you feel better about yourself so you don't crave such things as much but will inherently make them along the way. Life's easy, if you don't make it complicated haha.
 
#3 ·
I get what you're saying, the old me was only "bad" bc I let people make fun of me/use me and get me in bad situations. You know being a follower instead of a leader type thing.. But I'm 25 now and really have taken time to really honestly look deep inside myself to figure out what *i* may be doing wrong.. I've reduced my ego so low, I really have and yet still, alone again. Idk if I'm just too genuine of a person, (always trying to help) too empathetic or am I/they just very immature unknowingly .. I'm just saying, all this getting burned is making me want to just start acting like them.. I often find myself lately not listening to people on purpose and trying NOT to be so thoughtful and caring.. It shouldn't have to be that way and last thing i would ever want is to make someone feel as lonely as I do.. But then again people make me feel that way all the time so.. Why not just play the game like they do! Thanks for your reply and listening btw ! Nice to vent
 
#5 ·
Again, I can only comment from a male perspective. I'm 31 and have never made any female friends. I have a few work acquaintances that are female, but they merely 'tolerate' me.

I haven't got a clue what I've been doing wrong for so many years and I'm the first to admit it's one of the issues which has lead on to me being diagnosed with depression in the past.

I've tired changing how I approach and act more times than I care to remember. Nothing has worked. It's the same old results of being insulted, joked about or completely ignored. I've never known any different and I've now got to the stage where I'm really having to force myself to keep on communicating with women. It isn't through nerves and I know I've made improvements with regards to my general anxiety around them anyway. It's merely down to 'damage limitation' as I'm tired of being made to feel three inches tall.

This is why I am the way I am… I learnt that it's no longer me that's creating the brick walls or problems. It's other people's stigmas against me that's now adding to the problems I've spent several years trying to get over…
 
#6 ·
Again, I can only comment from a male perspective. I'm 31 and have never made any female friends. I have a few work acquaintances that are female, but they merely 'tolerate' me.

I haven't got a clue what I've been doing wrong for so many years and I'm the first to admit it's one of the issues which has lead on to me being diagnosed with depression in the past.

I've tired changing how I approach and act more times than I care to remember. Nothing has worked. It's the same old results of being insulted, joked about or completely ignored. I've never known any different and I've now got to the stage where I'm really having to force myself to keep on communicating with women. It isn't through nerves and I know I've made improvements with regards to my general anxiety around them anyway. It's merely down to 'damage limitation' as I'm tired of being made to feel three inches tall.

This is why I am the way I am… I learnt that it's no longer me that's creating the brick walls or problems. It's other people's stigmas against me that's now adding to the problems I've spent several years trying to get over…
I feel it believe it or not.. I'm kinda almost with you. Excuse me if I sound like a misogynist (which is funny cud I'm a female lol) but I'm thinking maybe majority of women are raised to take more than they give.. I definitely wasn't raised that way.. I'm the oldest of 3 and times were not good for me growing up.. I'm guessing for now I am just doomed.. Bc I REFUSE to let go of the healthy boundaries I've set just to have a friend. I can say I do a lot of damage limitation, that's why I can relate.. I'm not willing to "waste" anymore time on people who don't want to "waste" theirs on me. That's all I can say for now 😭 Haha
 
#7 ·
Not to sound rude, but we all play the game some way or another. We are all followers in some regards. In certain relationships, you are a leader (because they are submissive, hate responsibility or whatever reason). At work, you are a follower (submissive of the boss). You might be a leader within colleagues. I think in all honesty, most people are followers and that's okay. It's a good way to make friends and we can adopt different ways of being to suit. We can also become leaders but that is through rising up the ranks by not being a ahat, but my learning better social skills and emotional intelligence. It's not all black and white I'm afraid. You need to stop this black and white victim mentality or it will be the end of you. "X WAS BAD TO ME, PEOPLE SUCK SO NOW I MUST SUCK TOO" ANd by that I'll be a complete a-hole because other people were. Seek support, kindness, love, do CBT and you'll learn that that thought pathway is just your anxiety winning. It's a trick. It's convincing you to believe this viewpoint so you will be miserable. You will let your hate, anger resentment linger until no one wantsto be near you because they get those vibes and you don't want them either and you're lonely and got more anxiety and hate your life. I admire how genuine and you seem like a kind-hearted soul. Look for the good in people. If all comes and fails (and it won't), talk to me or another SAS user. I'm sure they'd love to have a conversation with you. As a rule, I also try and put 110% into everything so I can guarantee I would put just as much effort into a relationship or at least try my best. Hope you are doing well.
Good luck!
- I'm glad you are feeling better after ranting. Sometimes you just need to get those frustrations of your chest.
 
#9 ·
U don't sound rude at all! It's weird bc I know this.. The whole people getting those vibes from me. And it's true. I just get so discouraged when EVERYTIME I make a friend (female) it ends up the same way.. But a thousand bad apples shouldn't spoil the whole bunch eh?! But I get it lol excuse my sarcasm .. Anyways thanks for the advice I have this unfortunate ability to see all sides of the coin. So I see what you mean. I'll admit i still have some work to do on myself , it's hard getting away from victim mentality. Sometimes I think I've been stuck in victim mentality for just way too long so sometimes it's hard foe me to identify when I'm being that way. Maybe I'm too sensitive? I just don't have the willpower to play the games people play.. Even down to my job. I refuse to play the corporate game so I started my own art business.. But there I go again being black and white lol maybe I'll learn to find the grey someday :grin2: thanks a lot. I'm going to try to learn to be more open without letting go too much of my self. That way I don't feel betrayed when they eventually leave. Just hate wasting time is all! I'm new here sorry if I'm posting this all wrong
 
#8 ·
Haha! It's okay! I don't really want to go into too much detail as I know it can upset people (I explain more in my blog section both here and on my Wordpress blogsite as linked in my signature), but all I'll say is that I feel you're definitely correct.

I have spent several years (the last twelve months in particular) breaking my existing boundaries in order to try and make some sort of progression in life. Basically listening to and taking advice from those who have never been in our situation to understand. Sadly, all it's done is hurt me and confirmed in the first place why I put up those barriers/boundaries… Nothing has changed and if anything, the situation for me in terms of making friends has only got worse. It's only because I'm now so used to being ignored or insulted that I've grown a thicker-skin to it over the years. A decade ago, this sent me into depression. Three separate spells of it, to be exact.

I've got to an age where I'm tired of trying to put on an act to impress people - especially women. I've accepted that I'm simply not liked. I'm not destined to get anywhere. I just want to be myself. Not the egotistical, over-confident types that they seem to always like :?. The only reason why their preferred choice are this way is because they always get positive attention. I'm sure I'd be a more confident person if I was treated in the same way, but the reality is that I'm nothing more than a walking joke to people in general, not only women!

They either take me as I am and accept me for who I am - as they do with other people, or I'll point them to the door. So far, every last one of them opts for the door - thus I have no female friends. I've been willing to push my boundaries in order to make friends and this is what I've done in an attempt to gain friends. It's done the square root of naff-all, I'm sorry to say. Instead, I'm expected to do even more legwork whilst no one is willing to meet me even a quarter of the way - never mind half way!

It seems the people who struggle the most to mix and have the least opportunities/chances are the people who have to do all of the legwork, all of the time for nothing more than "maybes" in terms of chances. Regular people can literally sit back and materalise positive fortune without having to do even half as much... :bah This is the point I'm trying to make the general public see. This is why we are the way we are... This is why we have anxiety issues as we know we're singled out regardless of what we do.

One thing I keep on saying here on SAS is that I'm not asking for special treatment. I don't want the red carpet rolled out to me. I simply want my fair 'slice of the cake'. Equal reward for equal effort. Sadly, we're expected to be as happy and as confident as everyone else by putting in five times the effort over an indefinite period of time and getting nothing back. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that...
 
#10 ·
One thing I keep on saying here on SAS is that I'm not asking for special treatment. I don't want the red carpet rolled out to me. I simply want my fair 'slice of the cake'. Equal reward for equal effort. Sadly, we're expected to be as happy and as confident as everyone else by putting in five times the effort over an indefinite period of time and getting nothing back. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that...[/QUOTE]

This really sums up my problem. Thank you for responding btw. I hope things get better for you. Maybe it's just the new generation of females.. Or maybe we REALLY are that annoying lol one thing I can say is be true to yourself. That's my delinma. I'm always myself off bat.. I just don't have time for the BS talk/fronts. I either want to be my friend or nah. But as the other person pointed out maybe we're being too black and white with it *sigh* im a firm believer in accepting people for who they are (I know that sounds contradicting but I really do try I just can't put up with it sometimes bc a lot of people aren't themselves n I can see straight through a disguise, being an introvert adapts your Ability to read people haha ) anyways I hope things get better for you. I think I'm just going to accept things for the way they are. Besides I don't mind being alone. Married once (abusive marriage, not going to get into detail but it relates so much to the problems I have with people bc again I let someone into my life that wasn't really who they said they were ) & had 2 kids.. If my boyfriend had never found me, I'd live my life out on a mountain with my animals and my kids and just be ourselves ! Like a mini tribe lol until they eventually leave like everyone else oh man!! I'm rambling now
 
#11 ·
Why is it so hard to find female friends?
This is something that only started around the age of 18 for me.. When I started discovering "myself".

I find that since creating more boundaries, I've lost a significant amount of friends. Truthfully. Things like "I'm no longer going to let people use me " " I will not let people be racist around/toward me" these are just examples of course.

When I make new friends I give it my all. I try not to overdue it but I make it a point to let you know I want to maintain the friendship... But I always end up in one sided friendships .. And eventually for the sake of my anxiety I have to let them go. And back to square one (no one wants to be lead on)

I'm grateful for my boyfriend but he is a man and don't really understand females himself.. Anyways just needed to vent. I have tried everything from changing myself to joining clubs! What is it? I find most women get jealous of me and not express or tell me and then build up resentment..(not being conceited this happens EVERYTIME, I'd rather work through the resentment but oh well.. Can't force the, to overcome obstacles if they don't want to) and then BOOM our friendship is over bc of something stupid and silly. I'd really like to reach out to my old female friends but then I'd be going back to the old me.. Always TRYING to be friends with people ..who don't want to be friends with me.. Always in a one sided friendship. I love my boyfriend but I just want a girl to talk with is that so bad? Why does everything have to be a contest? Since being burned so many times I don't even try anymore.. Making my anxiety worse.. How do I not get discouraged? This cycle really sucks
don't worry about what's normal. worry about what's healthy for you.
are you okay with not having any female friends? if so, then there's nothing wrong with that.
if you aren't, then you should definitely try to get some.

you're not wrong in setting higher standards and boundaries now that you've become an adult. as teenagers we pretty much were friends with whoever paid attention to us, because we were hungry for approval. we also didn't know better, couldn't recognize harmful relationships / bad people. and most of us have simply grown away from what we might have liked or were interested in as teenagers.

do you have particular hobbies/interests? for example, i'm a feminist. it helps me to engage myself with online feminist communities and local, real life feminist communities. this way i make friends who have similar beliefs to me. i also rescue strays, so making connections with other people that rescue strays helps me make friends.

so if you have any particular hobbies or interests, maybe try finding groups / communities to participate in? the internet removes the obstacle of being nervous around new people. making friends over the internet and then perhaps engaging with them in real life is a great way for people with social anxiety to make friends. and then, check out your local library for club / group meetings that you might be interested in. your gym probably has some classes that have a lot of girls in them, like yoga or aerobics; it would be worth your time checking these out too, if you're interested in exercise.
 
#12 ·
Well honestly I wouldn't have a problem with it just being me and my little tribe family haha but I guess when it comes to wanting to talk about gross girl stuff or relate to another female about girl stuff I only have my boyfriend lol so yea I'd like atleast one friend I can talk to.. I mean my boyfriend listens to me but he doesn't want to joke about periods or farts or hair lol he does his best but something has GOT to give lol

I'm an artist. A kick *** one at that.. But even the art realm is starting to dissinagrate. I have an art website and it isn't like how it used to be. No one gives feedback anymore! They just like my pics and move on 😤😤 and I would go to the gym but I don't want a catty female friend. I want a level headed one, all I'm saying is I don't want to force it! Why can't it just happen naturally. If I played the game, wore tons of make up, dressed sexy and started acting like my **** don't stink I'd have TONS OF FEMALE FRIENDS oddly. ( done this before as an experiment as a poor attempt to make friends) and BOY did I make them but they were only around me bc for some reason being an ******* gives off a confidence vibe. I'm not an *******, I hate make up and I HATE when people ogle my curves. So I can't be that female. Just wish it was easier to be like "hey I like art and pizza do you ?!" " why yes let's go get some?!" DONE lol but maybe I'm being black and white again. I've really been trying to be aware of that lately! Thanks for the tips and responding
 
#15 ·
Why is it so hard to find female friends?
This is something that only started around the age of 18 for me.. When I started discovering "myself".

I find that since creating more boundaries, I've lost a significant amount of friends. Truthfully. Things like "I'm no longer going to let people use me " " I will not let people be racist around/toward me" these are just examples of course.

When I make new friends I give it my all. I try not to overdue it but I make it a point to let you know I want to maintain the friendship... But I always end up in one sided friendships .. And eventually for the sake of my anxiety I have to let them go. And back to square one (no one wants to be lead on)

I'm grateful for my boyfriend but he is a man and don't really understand females himself.. Anyways just needed to vent. I have tried everything from changing myself to joining clubs! What is it? I find most women get jealous of me and not express or tell me and then build up resentment..(not being conceited this happens EVERYTIME, I'd rather work through the resentment but oh well.. Can't force the, to overcome obstacles if they don't want to) and then BOOM our friendship is over bc of something stupid and silly. I'd really like to reach out to my old female friends but then I'd be going back to the old me.. Always TRYING to be friends with people ..who don't want to be friends with me.. Always in a one sided friendship. I love my boyfriend but I just want a girl to talk with is that so bad? Why does everything have to be a contest? Since being burned so many times I don't even try anymore.. Making my anxiety worse.. How do I not get discouraged? This cycle really sucks
I'm in the same age range as you and I do not have any friends as well. I have a friend I text every now and then and one I talk to on facebook, but as far as hanging out goes....its just me, myself and I and my bf.

At least you try and put your all into it when trying to maintain friends. When I make friends I have a hard time putting my all in. I don't drive so I don't have a car, so that makes hanging out almost impossible if they don't pick me up. It seems most people want to meet up and I can't do that without a car. I have lost many of potential friends because of this. I feel like I don't know how to have fun anymore either. Dealing with social anxiety and anxiety, not hanging out much or being around people has made my personality revolve around being alone so when I'm actually around people I feel as if I can't really express myself.

I wonder why women get jealous of you. Are you sure thats what it is? I find that women around this age seem to be more chill and inviting, its just all about clicking and finding that connection.

I agree with trying to connect with old friends just ends up being hard because of a difference of interest.

I tried to reconnect with one of my old friends, invited her over and we just weren't on the same page. She still like to do things we did when we were teens and I just feel I'm passed that.

All I want is a friend that wants to come over and watch stupid reality shows with me, talk about life, go on walks, walk around the mall, exercise together and text.
 
#16 ·
Setting boundaries is good, but yeah. Some people won't like being told no to even unreasonable or unpleasant things. That's why you need the boundaries, though.

When I was a teenager I mostly talked to other women because boys and girls were more awkward around each other. Now it's mostly men because I primarily socialize online through games and I often can't tell people's gender, anyway. If you try to overthink it, like trying to analyze what women are like, that can actually make it harder.

I agree that I really wish I knew more women specifically, but it's hard without forcing it or making special exceptions. Sorry you're having a hard time with this, too.
 
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