yo yo

[deadinside]

Whats up! I, like you, am consistently annoyed by this anxiety stuff. 20 years old. Over the past year or so I've been obsessing about it, mainly because my self-presentation is totally inaccurate. I'll start with that story, so you get a sense of who I am.

Ok, so I'm spending my life playing video games, smoking weed, and trying obtain a deep understanding about life. I had a few friends(who smoked me up almost everyday), no job, no girlfriend(actually still a virgin, sucks but whatever), and almost no future in which I would be proud to be a part of. I am nearly an absolute perfectionist and if I weren't I wouldn't be any of these. Anyways, I started to obsess about how little I was living, and how much everyone else was, which made me hardly able to talk(when anxiety struck), caused a hallucination and some depersonalization. I was also noticing how deeply introverted I had become in my 3 year isolation, which added to it, I was constantly panicking around others and trying to get my mind right, which only added to the problem.

So then one day I asked my mom if I could start taking her anti-depressants(how idiotic, I know), which then triggered a psychosis(outside influences added to it, I thought my thoughts on 9/9/09 indicated I was the anti-christ, lmao). I started off forming a ton of delusions based on some stupid pattern of perceptions and memories, the belief in them ended about a month later after I went to jail and was hospitalized. I then had to argue with myself to end worrying about the non-reality of the world, and a few other stupid things, which ended a couple months ago.

Now, I'm at the point where I realize all of this is the consequence of being isolated, including my lack of perception of my life or the amount I interact with my environment, and having no motivation. The anxiety I experience now is a result of all of this, that I have no life. There is also that I don't have much to say, and sometimes say something pointless that people don't usually say. Also some from my broken up speech patterns.

Next, I'd like to say some things that either knowing may give me comfort, and what my strategies are to combat my lacking social life. Things that give me comfort: that my somewhat lacking social life in the past is a result of things i couldn't control; largely avoidance as a result of being chubby or different from some people(which caused anxiety); caused by other factors(family I was born into), and that anyone who dislikes someone for a tiny communication issue is an idiot I don't want to associate myself with anyways. Things I will be doing to combat the lack of people around me will be to get a job(sigh, so sad), then get involved into things that interest me so that I have things to talk about to people interested in the same thing(jokes are usually spawned from stuff like this), all of this should get me more acquainted with society again, and should make socializing absolute cake, once I get my groove back that is.

Sorry about the overly long boring post, I just wanted to give anyone a sense of how I deal with it and what it has done to me. It's made me feel weak, and this is something I absolutely will not tolerate. I've felt completely comfortable before. If what I said seems like non-sense let me know.

[Toad Licker]

Hey deadinside welcome.

[Annie K]

Hello! Welcome to SAS.

[millenniumman75]

Welcome, DeadInside!

[UltraShy]