New to this site, but not to Social Anxiety

[Cynara]

Hi All. I've struggled with social anxiety and depression much of my life, both in therapy and on my own, and while I'm going to vent about my life in a minute, I do want to emphasize they’re conditions that can be improved. There are ways to build one's self-confidence. For me, one way to do that involved determining what I loved, and then taking baby steps toward that. I think depression and social anxiety are issues I’ll need to counteract all my life; and while the struggle can seem exhausting, it’s all I can do. If I don’t struggle against it, I feel as if I’m embracing death in some way: whether it’s contemplation of suicide, or simply the slow, gradual death of someone who isolates herself from life. And I’ve considered both many times.

Anyway, I'm not at a good place in my life right now. I've tried to come to peace with the fact that I'm introverted, prone to depression, and very sensitive, and to work within all that. But the past few years I've experienced a lot of loss, and that, on top of the near-constant feelings of sadness and exclusion, has gotten me to a point where I just drag myself out of bed and go to work at a job that's killing me creatively, and then come home and escape by watching movies. I've been doing this for at least two years now, and I've managed to isolate myself from the few friends I had and feel even more damaged.

I'm afraid of getting older and things just getting even harder. I feel cheated in life; I don't think I got my share of joy along with the loneliness and pain. As a troubled kid, at least some play and fun—if only on a surface level--was built into my existence: recess, going out to play, etc. As an adult, not only do I seem to lack every skill I apparently need to make my life joyful, there's no room for play anymore, either.

I'm starting to hate being me again. I hate being a socially-phobic introvert. I hate having depression. I hate that introversion is seen as some kind of disease in our society; and that loud, braying (and often talentless) people are rewarded with friends and recognition. I hate that many people bore me to death. I hate how mundane almost everything is. I hate feeling like a whiner; but I also hate that society has made me label myself a whiner for being depressed, as if it's a choice.

Yeah, I know. That's a lot of anger. That's where I am right now.

But...I've recently gotten back into exercise and, most importantly, yoga. Those things do help my state of mind, at least temporarily. I think what I need to do now is explore what I love, again. It's hard and terrifying, as it involves putting myself out there around other people (yuck!). But whenever I've done that in the past, it’s resulted in some good things happening, along with the bad (because I’m not going to lie: some of it IS bad).

Anyway, hello to everyone.

[Toad Licker]

Hey Cynara welcome.

[Borophyll]

Hi Cynara welcome!

[millenniumman75]

Welcome, Cynara!

[Ventura]