my story and intro.

[rolphrico]

Hey everyone, just thought i would introduce myself and tell my story of social anxiety and ask a few questions (sorry about writing this essay, but if anything I just had to vent and get this stuff out.).

My name is Corey, I’m 21, currently in college, and am working a summer job at a golf course right now. My problem started way back in elementary and middle school. As a child I was unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with tourette’s syndrome and ocd; as you can imagine dealing with this took a critical blow to my self esteem and social image. I was singled out and flat out shunned by almost every social group for no good reason. I did try to fit in many times and almost always was rejected, severely chastised, and in some cases physically hurt. Now, on top of that, the medication they prescribe to you when you have tourette’s is an oddball combination of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. And I cycled through dozens of varieties of pills, searching for the right one. Each one either made me emotional unstable, gain weight, or gave me intense skin rashes all over my body. I felt like absolute **** for most of this critical period in my life.

For a while I developed a severe hatred towards people in general, I had a few friends, but the constant peer abuse had taken its toll. I ****ing hated every living soul on this planet (forgive the language), as much as I hate to admit it now. Then, something strange happened. In the middle of high school my tourette’s cleared up very rapidly and for the first time in my life I was able to go un-medicated. My weight dropped dramatically, and my self esteem skyrocketed. It felt like a new beginning and I tried to make it that. I quickly made many amazing friends who I still hold relationships with today. Eventually I actually gained entry into the "cool group" I guess you could call it; and I felt like I pulled the secret move and was able to enter the door that was previously locked and marked private.

Then college came and bam! Even more success, I made even better friends and found an amazing girlfriend who I held a relationship with for just over 2 years. For that time I almost completely forgot about my wretched past and attended many social meetings and had very little fear. Then, last year when I first acquired a summer job at a golf course, there was a guy there who knew me from junior high. Now this guy is an arrogant prick of a man, and he threw me right back to square one. He didn't like me for unknown reasons, and this place was like school all over again, social groups and all. I was out’ed yet again, and I couldn't believe it. Now for the entire summer it felt like I was leading the double life. I was shy and insecure at work, and outgoing and happy outside. Eventually at a house party, the arrogant prick showed up and one of my buddy's actually knew him and his friends, and because of that, he just gave up his grudge and accepted me.

Now even though the immediate threat was gone, I still felt awkward around everyone at my work. I got that fear that you all talk about, the blushing, loss of speech and extreme nervousness. I worked hard, and tried desperately to clear my mind, and on some days I could do it. I would bond and laugh with them and have a good relaxed time, but other days I turn into a complete nervous introverted wreck. Now I know that most of them can tell this, and aren’t sure what to make of me. I'll be talking to someone fine, and then someone else will walk up and it creeps up like a bad acid flashback; my heart races and I can't escape. So now I’m afraid or random outbursts of anxiety, and to add to that my girlfriend and I broke up so I feel insecure outside of work too. I'm all good with my friends; however strangers are the devil again, and they cause me lots of grief.

Now that I found this forum I feel soooooo good because it all makes sense now. I never put the pieces together and reading your stories made me realize how irrational my thinking is. Now my biggest complaint is I feel that I have bipolar social anxiety (if that exists). On some days I feel like "the man" and have no cares and chat up everyone. Then other days I don't look at anyone, shake, and blush like there’s no tomorrow. Now I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't exactly want to see a psychiatrist; I saw one for almost my entire life and haven’t been there in four years. I defiantly grasp my problem, and I need to know what advice you have for curbing the urges to freak out from time to time. I'm thinking about talking to my doctor about some atavan or something to calm my nerves, but what do I do about my negative repetitive mindset? I feel like I’m loosing my mine here!

[FairleighCalm]

Hey, welcome. I'm so glad your tourette's has cleared up. The negative repetitive mindset............that is an ongoing issue we struggle with as you may have noticed. It can be as simple as accentuating the positive...............or it can be, IMO, as complex as knowng if we are oparating our lives in accordance with the internal role we know is right for ourselves. If I know I'm not in accordance with my internal role/goals/expectations then I'm bound to be negative about lots of the stuff I do. I hope that doesn't sound like crap.

[Thunder]

[millenniumman75]

RolphRico,

I have had to get it through my head that what anyone thinks about me doesn't amount to much - it's all how I perceive myself. Other people will react with like or dislike; not everyone will like me. This is something I have to accept. It is this way with everyone . In a utopia, we'd be all friendly. We're not, though .

SAS is pretty cool because it is like a simulated world - there are people you will get along with, and then others? well..... For the most part, it is a pretty cool place, as you may have seen . I hope that you will take advantage of what we have to offer.

Welcome to the forum

[mindfulgirl]

[UltraShy]

[Speak Easy]

[rolphrico]

Thanks for the comments guys, today felt a lot better than a few days ago, allthough that could be because its sunny out

[inna sense]

[WineKitty]

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