Just throwing my feelings out there - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:57 PM Thread Starter
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Just throwing my feelings out there

I think I'm the way I am because I never leave the house. And it's not by choice. I've hardly left the house in years because I live with my fiancé and we only have one vehicle which he uses for work. I would work too but it's hard to find a job with a schedule that works for sharing the vehicle, plus I'm a full time college student (online classes though) so that takes up most of my time. But I never have a reason to leave. We grocery shop once or twice a month, sometimes I have appointments. Once or twice a year I get invited out with friends. But since I've been a homebody my anxiety and depression has been considerably worse. I don't answer the phone for calls, I can hardly make my own appointments. When a friend wants to talk on the phone I make up excuses not to. My online classes want me to participate in discussion boards and work in groups with my classmates and it makes me want to just drop out of school. I hate wondering if I sound stupid in front of them. I always wonder if everyone I know, even my own family, think I'm weird or secretly can't stand me. I'm depressed a lot. I think that no matter how hard I try at school, I'm never gonna amount to anything, everyone is smarter than me. I tried to quit smoking. I lasted 4 days and gave in today. So now I feel like a failure again. I feel like a burden to my fiancé. He's great, always says nice things and tries to be supportive but it doesn't help. He pays for everything while I stay home and go to school. He tries to take me out when we can afford it but it just makes me feel like more of a burden. I'm constantly apologizing and thanking him for all he does for me. I have 2 friends that text me almost daily. But they annoy me most of the time so I cut conversations short. I love them and don't want them to dislike me but I'm never in the mood for them. I think I need to get out more. I feel like I was happier and less worried about people when I was working. Even if I hated my job. But now I can't so what do I do? I think the solution would be for me to be more social somehow but I can't bring myself to do it. Sorry for the ramblings. Even if no one reads all this if feels good to get it out there.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:05 PM
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Can you at least physically get out of the house? I run, or used to before the avalanche of amusement and tragedy arrived (but that's another story), and it made me at least see people and not shy away. Plus it got me more in shape. That and a runner's high isn't complete poppycock.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
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I was running. Even bought a bike and rode that for a while. But now it's winter and cold air + running + smoker doesn't work out well. I got an elliptical to work out with in the house. All that does boost my mood for a short time. Doesn't make me feel more social but makes me a little happier. And to makes things worse I live next door to my in laws. They're nice people, we get along. But if I step outside and they see me it's "heyyyy wanna come over for coffee, wanna see my Pokémon collection" and that sounds cool and all but they're just too much. You can't get away from them, they don't shut up. They scare me away more than make me feel comfortable lol.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Merlynn View Post
I was running. Even bought a bike and rode that for a while. But now it's winter and cold air + running + smoker doesn't work out well. I got an elliptical to work out with in the house. All that does boost my mood for a short time. Doesn't make me feel more social but makes me a little happier. And to makes things worse I live next door to my in laws. They're nice people, we get along. But if I step outside and they see me it's "heyyyy wanna come over for coffee, wanna see my Pokémon collection" and that sounds cool and all but they're just too much. You can't get away from them, they don't shut up. They scare me away more than make me feel comfortable lol.
I've never liked exercise machines but yes, not all of us are in less wintery climates so my bad.
So the ones available to you are at a 50 and you're just wishing you had a few 5s to chum around with. I can see that, one of my cousins has placed me in "best friend" category and I know nothing about him. Makes interacting a bit stressful.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:03 PM
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Hi Merlynn, I'm new here and very confused with much of the same feelings you have. Depression sucks. Have you told your fiance how you are feeling? I am divorced 3 times.. They all knew I suffered from severe depression, but somehow I was able to not really deal with the feelings. Still haven't and still confused. And convinced I sabotaged each marriage that way. I have no friends as it is "safer" without them (very mucked up thought processes going on). I can fully understand your entire post. I worked from home the last 10 years. Not much need to leave the house then. If I could post a hug and a good cry I would. I could probably use the same. Hang in there and consider speaking of your feelings to your loved one.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Awe that's kind of nice that he likes you so much but I get the annoyance. I have that effect on the teens in my family. Sister in law, nephew, and fiancé's little cousin are all 13 and have my number and text me constantly. I'm flattered but I can't stay on their level for as long as they want me to.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:12 PM Thread Starter
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Hi Merlynn, I'm new here and very confused with much of the same feelings you have. Depression sucks. Have you told your fiance how you are feeling? I am divorced 3 times.. They all knew I suffered from severe depression, but somehow I was able to not really deal with the feelings. Still haven't and still confused. And convinced I sabotaged each marriage that way. I have no friends as it is "safer" without them (very mucked up thought processes going on). I can fully understand your entire post. I worked from home the last 10 years. Not much need to leave the house then. If I could post a hug and a good cry I would. I could probably use the same. Hang in there and consider speaking of your feelings to your loved one.
Not sure if I'm replying correctly lol. Yeah he knows, he's witnessed many of my breakdowns when I can't just hold it in anymore. He doesn't really understand since he doesn't know the feeling but he tries to help however he can. Gives me words of encouragement and such. There's nothing he can really do though so I mostly try to keep the bulk of it from him. I hate that you feel the same way but glad you understand. Makes me feel less crazy lol. I may be close to having no friends soon too. I keep ignoring them. One just texted me asking if I was still awake but I'm pretending not to be. I've already gotten my cries out for the day but *hugs* and thanks for talking to me
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:30 AM
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Welcome, Merlynn!

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You are a success story waiting to happen!
Live and let live VACUUMS more than a Hoover....
Live and HELP live is better!

TROLL ALERT STATUS:
CHAT -> BERT

FORUMS -> ERNIE
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WATCH WHAT YOU TYPE!
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