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judge me.

795 views 7 replies 8 participants last post by  ANCIENT 
#1 ·
soo i "signed myself up" on this site about a month ago but haven't really been able to grasp the concept that maybe i do have some kind of "disorder." i started reading some stuff tonight... and the topic - weird stuff we do with sa - really hit home for me. this is what i just posted there... but since i am new, i guess i'll do the whole hi thing. & maybe get some feedback on here too from what i just wrote.

...

ok, so this is my first post. this is really my first time on this site, i've always known myself to be "overly self-conscious" but one day my friend brad convinced me that i had some kind of anxiety. i thought he was crazy. we sat up all night looking online & this is what we came up with. i just thought i was out of my mind.

anyway. weird stuff...

my appearance is a big one. i always think that people are constantly looking at me, judging me by what i'm wearing or how my hair/face/everything looks. i can't even take the trash out without my makeup on. i carry makeup with me everywhere i go, constantly checking or reapplying in bathroom stalls on campus or when i go out. i've been getting my nails done for 5 years. i still shake every time i get them filled because i think they are judging me. that my hands are weird or that i waited longer than 2 weeks and somehow they will look down upon me. i shake a lot. even when i'm at my apartment & people come over, i get so nervous. i think in class that people are constantly staring at me, the way i'm sitting or how i'm holding my pen. walking around on the street or on campus i feel like everyone is staring at me too. i probably don't walk right. i buy all name brand clothes. i won't be caught dead in anything "uncool," not because i'm stuck up, just because it makes me feel more comfortable with myself. i've been drinking a lot lately, to the point of blacking out because i know then i am more outgoing and not always over-analyzing my every move. but then i have a constant anxious feeling the next day - cause i was that girl the night before, everyone must hate me. i keep editing this thinking that you are going to judge the way i'm typing or tell me that i am crazy. i missed a lot of days in high school, not because i hated school that much but because i thought i looked bad & didn't want anyone to see me. & all the days i went i was late. but being late... people would look at me when i walked in the room. same now - if i'm going to be late to class i just won't go. i would start driving to school and keep going, driving around for hours and eventually going home. i can't talk in class. i can't do speeches, my voice shakes and my hands shake uncontrollably. i turn my music down in my car when i come to a stop, i don't want people to think i'm weird or that my music is weird. i've always gotten labeled as a @#%$. when i was a freshman in high school, the upperclassman would scream at me in the hall, or write things on my locker like "smile @#%$." i was just too shy & afraid to talk a lot of the time. i want to go to the gym, but there's no way in hell that i could ever work out in front of so many people. when i go shopping, i feel like the clerks are always judging me by what i'm buying. i too go for the check out lines where there are old women if possible. i don't buy shoes in stores where i have to try them on in front of someone, so i order online a lot. i won't buy cigarettes, cause the cashier will probably think i'm dirty. if i'm in an uncomfortable social situation i'm constantly pulling out my cell phone pretending to text someone. i let people walk all over me to avoid any kind of controversy or instance where i would have to stick up for myself. i had a boyfriend of 2 years who was constantly calling me fat (i wear a size 2) and telling me that i couldn't find any better, which worked out perfectly cause he had the same views of me as i did of myself, until i finally woke up one day.

i could go on forever. but this is really long.
& i'm sure you're judging me too. :sigh
 
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#2 ·
Nope - not judging, but this is defintely SA - trying to look perfect. The problem is that it is so exhausting and it is really a hiding tactic. You're hiding your natural sensitivity, warmth, compassion. The fear is in showing that to others since you think of it as inferior. We can turn this kind of thing into an advantage, though.

While it is nice to like nice things - sometimes the best things in life don't carry a brand name!

Overcoming SA is being comfortable with who you are outside of the nails and clothes and hair. It is relational! :)
 
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