soo i "signed myself up" on this site about a month ago but haven't really been able to grasp the concept that maybe i do have some kind of "disorder." i started reading some stuff tonight... and the topic - weird stuff we do with sa - really hit home for me. this is what i just posted there... but since i am new, i guess i'll do the whole hi thing. & maybe get some feedback on here too from what i just wrote.
...
ok, so this is my first post. this is really my first time on this site, i've always known myself to be "overly self-conscious" but one day my friend brad convinced me that i had some kind of anxiety. i thought he was crazy. we sat up all night looking online & this is what we came up with. i just thought i was out of my mind.
anyway. weird stuff...
my appearance is a big one. i always think that people are constantly looking at me, judging me by what i'm wearing or how my hair/face/everything looks. i can't even take the trash out without my makeup on. i carry makeup with me everywhere i go, constantly checking or reapplying in bathroom stalls on campus or when i go out. i've been getting my nails done for 5 years. i still shake every time i get them filled because i think they are judging me. that my hands are weird or that i waited longer than 2 weeks and somehow they will look down upon me. i shake a lot. even when i'm at my apartment & people come over, i get so nervous. i think in class that people are constantly staring at me, the way i'm sitting or how i'm holding my pen. walking around on the street or on campus i feel like everyone is staring at me too. i probably don't walk right. i buy all name brand clothes. i won't be caught dead in anything "uncool," not because i'm stuck up, just because it makes me feel more comfortable with myself. i've been drinking a lot lately, to the point of blacking out because i know then i am more outgoing and not always over-analyzing my every move. but then i have a constant anxious feeling the next day - cause i was that girl the night before, everyone must hate me. i keep editing this thinking that you are going to judge the way i'm typing or tell me that i am crazy. i missed a lot of days in high school, not because i hated school that much but because i thought i looked bad & didn't want anyone to see me. & all the days i went i was late. but being late... people would look at me when i walked in the room. same now - if i'm going to be late to class i just won't go. i would start driving to school and keep going, driving around for hours and eventually going home. i can't talk in class. i can't do speeches, my voice shakes and my hands shake uncontrollably. i turn my music down in my car when i come to a stop, i don't want people to think i'm weird or that my music is weird. i've always gotten labeled as a @#%$. when i was a freshman in high school, the upperclassman would scream at me in the hall, or write things on my locker like "smile @#%$." i was just too shy & afraid to talk a lot of the time. i want to go to the gym, but there's no way in hell that i could ever work out in front of so many people. when i go shopping, i feel like the clerks are always judging me by what i'm buying. i too go for the check out lines where there are old women if possible. i don't buy shoes in stores where i have to try them on in front of someone, so i order online a lot. i won't buy cigarettes, cause the cashier will probably think i'm dirty. if i'm in an uncomfortable social situation i'm constantly pulling out my cell phone pretending to text someone. i let people walk all over me to avoid any kind of controversy or instance where i would have to stick up for myself. i had a boyfriend of 2 years who was constantly calling me fat (i wear a size 2) and telling me that i couldn't find any better, which worked out perfectly cause he had the same views of me as i did of myself, until i finally woke up one day.
i could go on forever. but this is really long.
& i'm sure you're judging me too. :sigh
...
ok, so this is my first post. this is really my first time on this site, i've always known myself to be "overly self-conscious" but one day my friend brad convinced me that i had some kind of anxiety. i thought he was crazy. we sat up all night looking online & this is what we came up with. i just thought i was out of my mind.
anyway. weird stuff...
my appearance is a big one. i always think that people are constantly looking at me, judging me by what i'm wearing or how my hair/face/everything looks. i can't even take the trash out without my makeup on. i carry makeup with me everywhere i go, constantly checking or reapplying in bathroom stalls on campus or when i go out. i've been getting my nails done for 5 years. i still shake every time i get them filled because i think they are judging me. that my hands are weird or that i waited longer than 2 weeks and somehow they will look down upon me. i shake a lot. even when i'm at my apartment & people come over, i get so nervous. i think in class that people are constantly staring at me, the way i'm sitting or how i'm holding my pen. walking around on the street or on campus i feel like everyone is staring at me too. i probably don't walk right. i buy all name brand clothes. i won't be caught dead in anything "uncool," not because i'm stuck up, just because it makes me feel more comfortable with myself. i've been drinking a lot lately, to the point of blacking out because i know then i am more outgoing and not always over-analyzing my every move. but then i have a constant anxious feeling the next day - cause i was that girl the night before, everyone must hate me. i keep editing this thinking that you are going to judge the way i'm typing or tell me that i am crazy. i missed a lot of days in high school, not because i hated school that much but because i thought i looked bad & didn't want anyone to see me. & all the days i went i was late. but being late... people would look at me when i walked in the room. same now - if i'm going to be late to class i just won't go. i would start driving to school and keep going, driving around for hours and eventually going home. i can't talk in class. i can't do speeches, my voice shakes and my hands shake uncontrollably. i turn my music down in my car when i come to a stop, i don't want people to think i'm weird or that my music is weird. i've always gotten labeled as a @#%$. when i was a freshman in high school, the upperclassman would scream at me in the hall, or write things on my locker like "smile @#%$." i was just too shy & afraid to talk a lot of the time. i want to go to the gym, but there's no way in hell that i could ever work out in front of so many people. when i go shopping, i feel like the clerks are always judging me by what i'm buying. i too go for the check out lines where there are old women if possible. i don't buy shoes in stores where i have to try them on in front of someone, so i order online a lot. i won't buy cigarettes, cause the cashier will probably think i'm dirty. if i'm in an uncomfortable social situation i'm constantly pulling out my cell phone pretending to text someone. i let people walk all over me to avoid any kind of controversy or instance where i would have to stick up for myself. i had a boyfriend of 2 years who was constantly calling me fat (i wear a size 2) and telling me that i couldn't find any better, which worked out perfectly cause he had the same views of me as i did of myself, until i finally woke up one day.
i could go on forever. but this is really long.
& i'm sure you're judging me too. :sigh