Hi everyone

[mg1]

Hi everyone

I apologize if this is a bit long.

I am a 21 year old female and have been suffering from depression/anxiety for as long as I can remember. In early high school I was officially diagnosed and began taking paxil. After my first year at college, I felt things had leveled out and that I could cope without the medication (it was 25-20mg). The months that followed were incredibly difficult and I would often just sit in my apartment frozen with fear and depression and racing thoughts. Late that year I started seeing a psychiatrist who was great and put me back on Paxil. It helped a little, but I wanted to try something else. I have since been on Effexor for a year and a half or so.

However, things have changed a lot since my first real year at college. During the time when I was off my medication I began a relationship and slowly lost contact with my friends. I was just way too anxious to go out like parties like I used to. The relationship I was in was not the best, he was/is an alcoholic. We were together for a little over a year, and broke up in October of last year. During our relationship he was basically my only friend.

It was so incredibly difficult to end the relationship, but I did. I became pretty good friends with my co-workers but never formed a social life outside of that. I often did things by myself, mostly shopping, some things causing more anxiety than others. I was lonely and depressed and felt like a freak that I had no friends. This in turn made me very depressed. For the most part though, I was ok being on my own, I knew I would be moving soon.

This brings me to today. I have just moved to a new city which is larger than anywhere I have ever lived and has a big student population. I moved in on Saturday. I am still taking Effexor (225 mg) but I am absolutely terrified. My old psych doctor prescribed me a very small dose of Xanax (.5mg) and advised me to take a pill or half a pill to curb anxiety so I am able to go out. I rarely do, and haven't in months, but I had to take one the other day just to go up to Target.

I will be starting some classes in about a month, and I still have to find a job. I am absolutely dreading this. I hate all of this because I feel I have wasted my entire life. I know all the misery I bring upon myself is all in my mind. I used to fantasize about traveling alone, riding trains and buses and going to airports. But when it comes down to it, I am just too scared. Watching TV/movies/browsing the internet makes me freak out that I have no social life. I had to get rid of my Myspace and Facebook for these reasons. Sometimes I log back in to 'expose' myself to what other 'normal' people are doing, and in turn I get very depressed.

I don't want this to turn into pages and pages of rambling, but I thought this would be a good time to join this forum. The thought that is holding me back from doing anything is that people will look at me weird because I am by myself. I feel like I should have a reasonable 'deadline' to have a social life here. When I go out and see groups of people talking and laughing and having fun, it just makes me withdraw further.

I am close with my family and they (and myself) have a great sense of humor about this. I feel sometimes though that they do not truly understand it is not as easy as it sounds. I feel I am just as capable and deserving as someone else and that life is mine for the taking, but something always holds me back.

I look forward to talking with you all, especially those of you who are, or have, relocated to a new city where you are alone. I originally moved out of state to go to college, but I had roommates so I was forced to socialize. We became great friends, but here I am living on my own and know absolutely no one.

Talk to you soon!

[batman can]

Welcome to SAS! Good luck with your new classes and finding a job.

[WinterDave]

[millenniumman75]

Welcome, MG1!

[Slim Shady]

No need to apologize for long posts here, mg1. Feel free to pour your heart out. This is a support community for us folks after all.

[UltraShy]