Hi, my name is Anthony, and I'm here I guess because just want to find people that understand me and how I feel. I'm 21 years old and I have social anxiety, but I also have general anxiety, and depression and I've been in therapy for the past 5 or 6 years. I feel like I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
I have no friends, no friends all though out high school, I mean I have two friends, one of which is my best friend who I grew up with, we've known each other since were four years old and he is the complete opposite of me, Extroverted , Athletic, Popular. He moved away to the other side of the country right before I started therapy, we still keep in touch from time to time, but I haven't seen him since. The other is a guy who I'm friends with because his and my family are friends, He's four years younger than me, and I never see him. He's always busy with soccer or his girl friend, I haven't seen him in months. He never calls me or wants to hangout, even when he doesn't have a girlfriend. He couldn't even take a night off from soccer to go the comedy club with me on my birthday to see Joy Koy preform. Yet he was able to take a week off to go to beach week with his friend Andy.
I just feel so alone. I never even been to a party before or been out on a date, never been drunk, never been to a concert before like all my older cousins have. And when ever I hear about people doing these thing and all their fun experiences it just makes me more depressed. I remember once my older cousin's husband told me I should worry about about making friends and and meeting girls it will all come naturally, and I can't help but think of what a huge lie that was.
I feel like I'm a ****ing freak. It's like I'm autistic or something, IDK. And I feel like people can tell just by looking at me. I don't think I could ever possibly hold a conversation with someone, I have no idea how to start one, and I feel like whatever I say sounds retarded. I have no job, and I'm in college but I still haven't picked a major. I don't know what the **** I want to do with my life. Does it really matter what I do if I'm gonna be alone for the rest of it, I'm be miserable no matter what I do. I feel like ever since my best friend left I've just been rotting away. And I'm seeing people way younger than me having experience that I never had, being part of a group like I never was, Living life. It's enough to make me blow my brains out, but I would never do that, so I'm just going to have to continue to rot.