Hello, I am very miserable with my life and need help :((
Hi. My name is Anonymous. I am horrendously miserable with my current life. I am not sure where to begin....I guess I'll begin when I was only 4 years old. When I was 4, my mother died from a blood clot giving birth. It devastated me as a child and I think it made me into who I am today.
The rest of my childhood was completely normal, but then puberty hit and everything changed. In 7th grade, I started to get bullied ALOT in school. Kids used to basically torture me (call me mean names, throw things at me, even psychical bullying). After that, I started to really worry about what the other kids at my school thought of me. In 8th grade, the bullying got much worse. 8th grade was the year I became completely mute. Infact the whole year of 8th grade, I barely muttered a word.
I thought that if I say something out loud in the class, another kid might make fun of me. So because I got bullied so much, I thought that if I don't ever say anything, maybe kids will have less "ammo" to make fun of me. I became so scared of negative feedback, to the point where I couldn't socialize at all. I also started feeling massive anxiety feelings. I used to shake alot, sweat alot and other things whenever I had to talk in class.
Because of the constant bullying, I started to believe what the other kids said to me. I started to believe that I was ugly, stupid, worthless and trash. I started to think very negative ALL the time. I used to constantly think of every negative thing possible. Whenever I would look in the mirror, I would say "You are ugly, You are worthless, You are less than everyone else, Nobody likes you, You will never make any friends, You are a loser". And I would say these things over and over in my mind, until I finally believed it. And once I believed all those things....I became depressed.
Depression was the worst thing I ever went through in my life and I can't imagine anything possibly worse. I felt horrible about myself, I wanted to commit suicide very bad, I had no friends at all, and worse of all...I was completely inside my head and I never talked to anyone about these problems. I felt like a complete freak because of my social anxiety (before I knew it had a name) because I thought that I was the only person who had it.
This was one year ago. Now....I wouldn't say I am depressed anymore, just very miserable with my life. I am 15 and a freshman in high school. I absolutely HATE what I look like, which causes my insanely low self esteem. My poor opinion of myself is a big reason why I'm miserable. And my social anxiety...which hasn't improved at all since I was depressed. I really want to make friends but I just can't. Since I'm so inside my head, I'm not sure how to talk and converse with other people my age...
Social Anxiety has ruined my life....
I just want to be happy. To be normal.
I want to meet people, get into a relationship, express myself and be who I really am...
But I just can't......does anyone have an answer???
In case your wondering, I am a boy.