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Old 06-08-2011, 12:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Hello, I am very miserable with my life and need help :((

Hi. My name is Anonymous. I am horrendously miserable with my current life. I am not sure where to begin....I guess I'll begin when I was only 4 years old. When I was 4, my mother died from a blood clot giving birth. It devastated me as a child and I think it made me into who I am today.

The rest of my childhood was completely normal, but then puberty hit and everything changed. In 7th grade, I started to get bullied ALOT in school. Kids used to basically torture me (call me mean names, throw things at me, even psychical bullying). After that, I started to really worry about what the other kids at my school thought of me. In 8th grade, the bullying got much worse. 8th grade was the year I became completely mute. Infact the whole year of 8th grade, I barely muttered a word.

I thought that if I say something out loud in the class, another kid might make fun of me. So because I got bullied so much, I thought that if I don't ever say anything, maybe kids will have less "ammo" to make fun of me. I became so scared of negative feedback, to the point where I couldn't socialize at all. I also started feeling massive anxiety feelings. I used to shake alot, sweat alot and other things whenever I had to talk in class.

Because of the constant bullying, I started to believe what the other kids said to me. I started to believe that I was ugly, stupid, worthless and trash. I started to think very negative ALL the time. I used to constantly think of every negative thing possible. Whenever I would look in the mirror, I would say "You are ugly, You are worthless, You are less than everyone else, Nobody likes you, You will never make any friends, You are a loser". And I would say these things over and over in my mind, until I finally believed it. And once I believed all those things....I became depressed.

Depression was the worst thing I ever went through in my life and I can't imagine anything possibly worse. I felt horrible about myself, I wanted to commit suicide very bad, I had no friends at all, and worse of all...I was completely inside my head and I never talked to anyone about these problems. I felt like a complete freak because of my social anxiety (before I knew it had a name) because I thought that I was the only person who had it.

This was one year ago. Now....I wouldn't say I am depressed anymore, just very miserable with my life. I am 15 and a freshman in high school. I absolutely HATE what I look like, which causes my insanely low self esteem. My poor opinion of myself is a big reason why I'm miserable. And my social anxiety...which hasn't improved at all since I was depressed. I really want to make friends but I just can't. Since I'm so inside my head, I'm not sure how to talk and converse with other people my age...

Social Anxiety has ruined my life....

I just want to be happy. To be normal.

I want to meet people, get into a relationship, express myself and be who I really am...

But I just can't......does anyone have an answer???

In case your wondering, I am a boy.
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Old 06-08-2011, 02:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Hello there. First I'm impressed with how well you express yourself. I'm sorry you were bullied. At that young age you were probably very vulnerable and other kids used that against you. Why are we so mean to each other? It literally makes life unpleasant. I just want you to remember that nothing anyone has said to you as an insult was true. You are good. Hang out here and look for positives in real life. It will turn around.
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Old 06-08-2011, 03:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Welcome! Sorry about the bullying and depression.... It can really suck.
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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I also had a horrible middle school and high school experience. The best advice I can give is to act confident, even if you don't feel confident. Watch music videos or movies of people who are empowering and try to take on their confidence in your life and people will start to believe you and eventually, you'll start to believe yourself.
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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I had an awful middle school experience as well and became diagnosed with depression. I would look at my feet when i walked around and began to cut. I thought i was worthless too and also got bullied a bit. However, i realized that i needed to open up a bit to get better. i began to talk more and eventually found some tight knit friends to help me through hard times. i dont do everything i want to but im getting there. being bullied and thinking ur worthless can have a huge effect on ones life. Getting better took time though and thats what u need to realize. I might take a little bit but it wiiiiillll get better!!
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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They can be inspiring temporarily writer but theres got to be a radical change in the core beliefs.I'm not sure if i'm making big progress or if i just think i am, the thing is i'm not exactly sure what needs changing...my whole life has been a nightmare.I don't worry or care about the past anymore but i'm dealing with the aftermath of those experiences.As a kid onwards your mind is programmed like a robot, you just got to change that programming.You literally create what you believe.And sometimes theres no experience that was bad, it was that you were missing something you needed(compassion,parents guidance etc)so one thing builds up to another and it can be confusing.

Its easier to change the younger you are so its good you can accept theres something going on.Its 100% possible to change, doesn't matter who you are,what you been through it might be easier for some harder for others but its possible.Social Anxiety is just a symptom of a core problem, we must deal with the roots.Although i am confused sometimes i know its possible to change because i've had glimpses of it, life is just waiting to be lived man, its a matter of when we will let go of our conditioning.
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Old 06-09-2011, 10:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Hey Pliskin99 welcome.
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Wednesday came with many bricks
I woke up feeling kind of sick
What was a hand is now a fist
I'm so tired of wondering

In every song I'm struggling
Will she find her comforting
Like a book you've read on a rainy day
I'm the girl without a name
The one that's always left off the page

But have you seen the Butterfly
How it wakes into another life
More beautiful as the one that died

Today is such a great day to be alive on this sunny April afternoon

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Old 06-09-2011, 01:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pliskin99 View Post
Because of the constant bullying, I started to believe what the other kids said to me. I started to believe that I was ugly, stupid, worthless and trash. I started to think very negative ALL the time. I used to constantly think of every negative thing possible. Whenever I would look in the mirror, I would say "You are ugly, You are worthless, You are less than everyone else, Nobody likes you, You will never make any friends, You are a loser". And I would say these things over and over in my mind, until I finally believed it. And once I believed all those things....I became depressed.

Depression was the worst thing I ever went through in my life and I can't imagine anything possibly worse. I felt horrible about myself, I wanted to commit suicide very bad, I had no friends at all, and worse of all...I was completely inside my head and I never talked to anyone about these problems. I felt like a complete freak because of my social anxiety (before I knew it had a name) because I thought that I was the only person who had it.

This was one year ago. Now....I wouldn't say I am depressed anymore, just very miserable with my life. I am 15 and a freshman in high school. I absolutely HATE what I look like, which causes my insanely low self esteem. My poor opinion of myself is a big reason why I'm miserable. And my social anxiety...which hasn't improved at all since I was depressed. I really want to make friends but I just can't. Since I'm so inside my head, I'm not sure how to talk and converse with other people my age...
Can relate to all of this. I was depressed at school, suffered all sorts of stuff and just put up with it mainly. I never said anything and just simply bottled everything up inside.

I found that the starting point for my slow improvement was university, not that I got involved much with all the social and night activities as I mainly avoided all that stuff but it was an experience that forced me to meet and speak to new people because of living in Halls of Residence. Over time I've made some friends and have made some improvements but the self loathing is always there.

I still have problems in my life and struggle to deal with situations or interact with people because I'm always judging myself or trying to be someone I'm not or trying to meet impossible expectations I place on myself but all it does is create a situation where the only outcome is failure and it's not a good feeling when you feel like a failure so it just makes it harder for me to try and deal with situations.

All I want is some happiness in life and I'm still trying to find it but the whole SA thing certainly doesn't help matters but all I can do is just keep on going and maybe one day things will improve.

So welcome.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Welcome, Pliskin99!
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You are a success story waiting to happen!
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Hi pliskin99, yes I can certainly point you in the right direction, if you can recognize it. The rest is then up to you. It will take time though because there is no quick fix for the problems of our modern culture. Everyone just wants to be happy and yet virtually everyone is going about it the wrong way. Being 'normal' guarantees unhappiness. So please see that normal is not good enough. The answer, as you rightly say, is to be who you really are. And this is no small thing, because it is way beyond 'normal'. But it's the only way. But how? I'll give you a couple of first steps to get you started. In truth there is no past, so never, never, think about it if you want to be happy. In truth there is no future, so same thing. Begin by doing what you are already doing but with much more care and consciousness. Life is showing us things all the time yet most people never notice them because they are so self obsessed. Life will teach you if you pay attention to what you need to learn, about your self. You will never be your true self until you really know your true self first. And trust me, you are not what you think. To know more you can read my other posts or see my website.
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Old 06-10-2011, 01:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by writer260 View Post
The best advice I can give is to act confident, even if you don't feel confident. Watch music videos or movies of people who are empowering and try to take on their confidence in your life.
i.e:- someone get this kid a dvd of purple rain!

@Pliskin99; when i was around your age i was really into philosophy, science, things like that. it helps me, because once you learn certain things that are common to us all, you can feel a part of things (even if you're apart from them, hah.) maybe that's bad advice, i don't know. but books by people like epicurus, descartes, nietzsche really helped me define my own mind, and thus others'.
it's like batman1 said above me, you need to know exactly who you are and what you believe before anything else. and it's not as easy as it sounds.
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