Hello everyone.

[stereophonic]

Hi.

Well, where to start?

I guess i should give you an introduction.

I'm a 28 (almost 29) year old guy from Sydney, Australia. I've had social anxiety/avoidance personality disorder since i was little. I've never had a job (well i had a job here and there, but i only lasted a few days at each one, 'cept for one i had for 6~ months). All my life i've been highly critical of myself and terrified of what others have thought of me. School was a nightmare, i refused to go and would do things like self-harm or threaten to kill myself (this is at the age of 7). It drove my mother up the wall, every morning i would try and pull some illness or some excuse to not go to school, and alot of times i succeeded.

I ended up seeing people about it at a young age and they tried to find out why i hated school so much. They ended up just giving up and telling my parents, "He just doesn't like school, so if he doesn't want to go, don't make him go."

I was always a really smart kid in school, but i would never show it, even from a young age, when we would get exams and stuff, i would work out what the average score would be for my class and purposely get answers wrong just so i wouldnt stand out.

Anyhow, i didn't have many friends growing up and at around 14 i got heavily into music, started playing guitar and met like minded people at school. I started socializing alot more and all that but still had bad anxiety.

Eventually i ended up doing drugs. I started smoking pot at first and i hated it. It made me paranoid and heightened my anxiety, yet i continued to do it to "fit in". As time went by, we experimented with harder drugs until i became a full blown heroin addict at around 17. I still finished school even if i only turned up once a week, if that (i think they had a special clause for me, cause my grades were always average/above average).

So, yeah, part of the reason i never got a job was because i was a junkie. I used heroin for many years. I would stop here and there, for 2 weeks, 6 months etc, but i always went back to it.

I dated a few girls in high school 'cause im actually pretty good looking, long blonde hair, slim... classic "rocker" type look.

Anyhow, when i was around 19-20, i met a girl online who lived in Melbourne. She was also a heroin addict. I was working at the time (the job that lasted 6 months) and we were both getting "clean". We talked alot, she didnt work or anything, and the job i had was only 4 hours a night, so we spent most of the days/nights just talking about drugs and music.

She ended up coming up to sydney for a visit and we got together. to be honest. I was pretty happy but at the same time, she had ALOT of emotional problems. She ended up moving to Sydney and i freaked out badly. All of a sudden i had this girl living with me in my parents home and we were both trying to get off drugs... It was then that i realised i didn't actually like her, the only things we had in common were drugs and music. She also had a very very bad temper and would verbally and physically abuse me for no reason. I had no idea and i was too gutless and too afraid of being alone to break up with her. Needless to say, we ended up back on heroin. I felt like i couldn't be around her if we were straight.

I was going to break up with her and then she fell pregnant. I really didnt want a baby at the age of 20, but she did. another thing i freaked out on. she ended up having a miscarriage. She was very upset and again i felt like i couldnt end it... she heightened my anxiety really bad, i saw psychs and doctors and was put on effexor and zyprexa (they thought i was schizo).

The years passed and we would go thru periods of soberity and drug addiction, until one day when i was 24 i woke up one day with her kicking me out of bed saying "we have to go score". I sat up in bed and just said "i'm sick of it..." - i wasn't getting high anymore, i was sick of being a junkie, of lying, cheating, stealing to get money for drugs. I was addicted to the needle more than anything.

So, we stopped doing drugs, didn't go on methadone, just went cold turkey. Went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings... and it worked. I've been clean for almost 5 years, well i had a tiny relapse a couple of years ago (and ended up OD'ing from it... to be honest i cant count the number of times i've overdosed off heroin).

a few months after we were clean, she got a job, we kept fighting, she ended up moving out (again) and then one day, i picked her up from work, we got into a fight before the car started and she got out and said she was walking home. I watched her walk up the street, fully expecting me to come after her, say "im sorry baby.. lets not fight" etc. Instead i turned the car around and drove away.

And that was it, i was free.

I had no friends what so ever and no job, no prospects, nothing. I ended up playing video games all day/night for years. I played for a couple of years and ended up stopping my medication. I thought i was alot better (and i was). I didn't do much in the "real world" tho, but i didnt care. I had resigned myself to being single forever.

Thru a game called WoW, i met a girl from Brisbane. Complete opposite to me, she was 19, in University, never so much as smoked a cigarette in her life. She came down to Sydney to get a visa (she was going to the states for 6 months to study).

I invited her out when she got to Sydney. i was drunk at the time and felt i was just being polite, i never expected two weeks later to get a message from her saying "Hi, im in Sydney, are you still going to take me out?"

I kinda freaked 'cause i really didnt want to go out to the city that night. I ended up thinking "i'll just go, take her out for a beer or two and say thanks for the evening, take care." and come home.

So i catch the train into the city and i call her phone to ask where she is. I had told her i have really long blonde hair, a goatee and im wearing a leather jacket. She says, "I see you, im across the street".

I look over across the street and im scanning the big crowd. I see this very pretty girl waving in my general direction... i think "not her" and say "can't see you".

"I'm wearing a pink jumper, i'm waving at you"

I look over again, the pretty girl is wearing a pink jumper and waving.

"Nope, still can't see you"

"Ok, i'm gona come to you"

This pretty girl in the pink jumper who was waving in my general direction starts to cross the street to me.

My mouth drops open. She walks right up to me and says Hello.

I'm floored.. but i think to myself "wow she's pretty but still... meh, i'll take her out and go home soon".

Im hungry at this stage and so is she so i take her to a restaurant/cafe tpye place. We talked and talked and talked. It was amazing, i was really honest with her and told her i didnt work, but had alot of money, i was an ex-heroin addict, that i had no friends (all my old friends died from heroin overdoses, were still junkies or were in jail). Everything.

and she actually listened to me. and i listened to her. She was fascinating. We ended up at a pub later on, after a few drinks, i asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. Well, needless to say we walked to a park and i gave her my jacket (she was cold) and we ended up kissing and spending the night together. It was a beautiful night, the whole evening was just magical.

anyhow, we started a relationship and it was very good, very different, we loved each other a great deal. But because of my anxiety/depression/mood swings (i can get very angry for no reason and i tend to lash out at loved ones), We broke uo for a little while last year. I ended up going to a see a new psychologist who is really good and she helped me put things into perspective. I ended up realising how much i loved this girl and went over to her place with flowers and we talked, not about our relationship, just talked, like the old days. We were back together soon, but my "illness" took over and i freaked out. She kept asking me to get my life together and to stop playing video games all day and to do something with my life, which didnt even mean getting a job, just... do something... I didn't.

She went overseas for christmas and the day she came back, she broke up with me. I was devasted because while she was gone i made a decision to actually do something this year, clean my **** up, move in with her, maybe go to University etc.

It was too late tho, i freaked out big time and got so depressed, i couldn't believe it. I kept calling her trying to talk to her and it pissed her off alot. she kept asking me to leave her alone and how she didnt love me anymore and all that.

So with that in mind, i decided to take a holiday to Perth. I just sorta packed up and went. No one knew where i had gone. Some online friends were worried about me and got my gf (now ex) to ring my phone. We spoke for a while and she gave me some hints that she still had feelings for me.

the next day i was in a very good mood, since i thought we still had a chance... how wrong i was.

She broke up with me because she met a guy in the states. A friend of both of ours whom we played video games with. He travelled from Ohio to Washington to see her. I had no idea. It took me a great deal of effort to get her to admit that yes, she had slept with him and she was now "with him" and loved him.

I went off the rails. I was on the phone to her and i lost it completely. I smashed up my hotel room and used broken glass to slash open my wrists. Everything came out, all the old feelings, the loneliness, the depression, the anxiety, the fact that i have done NOTHING with my life.... it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I dont remember too much of this, but apparently she called the police, cause they broke down the door with the paramedics and "saved" my life.

CONT Below

[bowen87]

Hi

[stereophonic]

CONT.

Back in Sydney i ended up in a psychiatric hospital, which i just left on monday this week. I couldnt handle it.

I've now just started a new drug, Cymbalta. 4th day on it and feeling very strange.

I have no idea what to do now. My mind is in a terrible state, i have such negativity, my body is broken due to the years of drug abuse. I have no idea what to do with myself. I quit the video games cause i realised they were just an addiction as well. I have no friends, nothing. It's been so long since i even looked at a job or a course to study. I doubt i could do something like that just yet.

the only thing i want to do is be in a band. Be a singer/guitarist/songwriter. The problem is, im so scared... i havent jammed with anyone since i was in high school really. I'm terrified i would just "lock up" in that situation. I can play guitar fairly well in front of people, but i cant bring myself to sing, even tho i'm told i have a beautiful voice. I just doubt myself so much.

I know that if i were to get into a band and play gigs and do well ( i dont mean a rock star, just playing acoustic numbers in bars/cafes etc, regular gigging), being up on stage and singing/playing to a roomful of strangers would be very scary and all that BUt... i know if i did it and people liked it, it would do wonders for my mind.

Just so damn terrified of what people think of me, i try and be a perfectionist which means i end up doing nothing for fear of rejection, failure.

One thing i have learnt about Anxiety, Depression and all that, is that its a lie. It's your mind lying to you. All this stuff is in my head.

I'm still young, im good looking, im smart, i'm a nice person deep down, i can hold a good conversation when im having a good day and im pretty talented.

Yet i just can't seem to shake these feelings. I envy you people who at least have jobs or study to go to during the day. I stare at a wall most of the day, too afraid to leave the house.

I know i have to do something and do it soon, or i'll end up alone and i'll probably commit suicide or go back to being a junkie. I really dont want that. All i want is to make some music, maybe even study eventually, meet a good girl who loves me for who i am and shake this "disease". I know anxiety/depression will always be with us, but we can learn to control it... doing it on the other hand... well thats the biggest battle. And it will be a life long battle. We can do it tho.. all of us have the power to change our thinking, we just have to try. One step at a time.


...Wow... so much for a "brief introduction" right? jeez... i actually feel a bit better.


So yeah... hi guys.

[Toad Licker]

Hey stereophonic, welcome to

[LALoner]

Stereophonic, suicide isn't something you do because a girl dumped you, its something you do because you have gambling debts.

[stereophonic]

Originally Posted by LALoner

Stereophonic, suicide isn't something you do because a girl dumped you, its something you do because you have gambling debts.

Wasn't just because a girl dumped me. As i said, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[UltraShy]

[millenniumman75]

Stereophonic,

You are still here for a reason. You have a story to tell others. Someone may need your advice someday.

Welcome to the forum!

[leomouse]

i really enjoyed reading your story, and i think you must be a really strong person for dealing with addiction, and i can relate to a lot of what you're feeling, probably all of us can

[Bassman]

Your story is very sad and touching. You're obviously smart and aware of what your problems are and that you need to do something about them, and that's half the battle. Good luck!

[bflygirl]

stereophonic if you don't know what to do with your time until you figure it out I suggest you write, you do that exceedingly well (I say that with 100% sincerity).

[TorLin]

Hello.


Welcome to the SAS forum.