28/M - Lonely and stuck with Social Anxiety + Depression

[Rayacle]

Hello all,

I have had depression and social anxiety for about 14 years. It started I think because of all the stuff that happened in the past. I am looking for some friendly people to talk with. I just stare at the computer all day and fill out job apps, then eat and go to sleep, not much of a life, I know..

I feel like everyone is out to get me sometimes, and I hear this is because of the social phobia. I think right now depression and social anxiety take turns because one moment I am nervous and the next I feel like I am lost in abyss of nothingness. I am trying to fight it by talking in here with people to remind myself everyone isn't out to get me.

I was recently laid off from work and now I have no job and that is making my depression even worse. My social anxiety caused me to panic during a new job that I managed to get because of the harsh conditions of the job environment. I regret quitting but I could not handle being cussed out for silly reasons like their cell phone doesn't get a signal. People these days just seem more cruel than ever, and online I noticed they are just as cruel. I wonder sometimes if I can ever find someone to talk with and not be personally attacked or patronized. To make it worst people recite cliche lines to me sometimes like "Life sucks, deal with it", "The world is harsh", "No one cares", "Be strong, toughen up". I am aware of all these things, and hearing these like this just makes me feel even more hopeless. If it was that easy there wouldn't be so many people suffering.

I have tried meds in the past but had really bad side effects and quit taking them. I have a huge fear of being allergic to the newer meds and refuse to take them. I feel like I have no hope from ridding myself of this burden. If I am allergic to the meds I can have an incredibly bad reaction and it's not something that goes away quickly. Therapy was a joke and they tried cognitive behavioral thinking training on me but all is it did was insult my intelligence. A few simple phrases and sentences are supposed to make me more confident talking with people? I don't think so..

I admit I am a sensitive person so I may easily be offended at first because my defenses are always ready now and it feels like the world is against me sometimes. I take things pretty literal the first time meeting someone especially, and am always worried about what they are thinking. I am quick to pick up on sarcasm and don't really care for it when it is used to personally attack me.

I don't really need advice or anything, just a friend who is down-to-earth and knows how it feels to be depressed or have social anxiety and willing to be a friend.

Also, I can be pretty shy upon first or second contact and it's hard to carry on a chat for me, so please don't be offended if I am overly quiet or something. I am working on this though and I am getting better because I can actually talk in IMs now, woot!

Thank you for reading

I can be contacted at rayacle@hotmail.com or rayacle@yahoo.com or rayacle@AIM.com. I mostly use Yahoo these days though.

-Rayacle

I had several people as about my name Rayacle. It was the combination of Ray, my first name, and miracle, which it would be if I ever got over my problems.

[PlanetarySauce]

Hey Rayacle!
Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm also 28 and I sit at home and play video games all day. I'm afraid to go outside because I feel everyone's talking about "that guy that still lives at home with his parents" so I try to avoid it as much as possible. I really don't have many friends so I don't get out much at all. If I'm in the company of friends I'm more comfortable in public, but by myself it's a nightmare. It got so bad that I've pretty much just been a hermit for the last few years, which I know isn't helping, but I kinda just don't care anymore.
Anyway, good luck to you. And welcome to the forums. I love this place

[Rayacle]

@planetarysauce cool man. what video games do you play you remind me of me lol

maybe we can get some online gaming going im quite the MMO geek these days, and a bit of FPS sometimes

[PlanetarySauce]

Hey that would be awesome.
You play on 360? Cause that's all I play.
Right now I have Rock Band 2, Saints Row 2 and Forza 3. I'll be gettin some Halo action goin soon though when my buddy decides to give back my halo 3 odst. He's borrowed that game WAY too long now lol.

[Rayacle]

i just got a 360 actually, not that many games yet. i do need to pick up a hard drive for it though to play online once i save up some cash heh.

i hear halo was EPIC, so that will be on my list for sure also

right now ive been playing a lot of PS2 games and some free MMORPGs like Rappelz or Shin megami tensei, until my pocketbook can afford some new stuff anyway. i tried the new MMO Aion and i was disappointed with all of the bots and stuff.

[PlanetarySauce]

Oh man I miss my ps2 for games like that. Xenosaga, Shadow Hearts, Arc the Lad, all the great jrpgs.
But it's getting better, 360 already has Lost Odyssey, Star Ocean 4, Eternal Sonata, Tales of Vesperia, and a few others. And Final Fantasy 13 soon can't wait.
Well my gamertag is CosmicNeurotica if you wanna add me that's cool.
If you do get Halo 3 though, I'd get Halo 3: ODST because it has a co-op campaign plus all of the multiplayer maps from halo 3 and downloadable maps. It's a better deal.
Anyway, hope to see you on soon man!

[Rayacle]

star ocean 4, sonata ( I WANT!), tales of vesperia, all great games! im an JRPG nut too haha. ok i cant add ya now because i dont have a hard drive yet but i will for sure later. Halo 3 coop , that sounds FUN. coop games are my fave for sure.

i hear that star ocean 4 and ToV are going to be re-released on the PS3 with new features, i was a bit upset ><

[2Talkative]

Just thought I'd join in since im 28 and suffering the same fate as the 2 of you..... although I do have job ect.. it doesn't matter still lonely and bored as ever. I don't know guys things have to change somehow ??????????

I play way too much video games but seriously when there is nothing but movies and video games left in your life what are you supposed to do ? I can only workout so much. If I didn't work I think I wouldn't last very long.

[Rayacle]

hey there 2talk, yea i have to admit i felt better when i was working, not perfect but better in general. i love video games they are my passion, and a part of my life for now and maybe forever, i dont know. without friends or job not much to do. i focus now on losing weight and lost about 60 lbs from doing aerobics, and feel good about that. but like you ssay you can only workout so much, that void of lonliness still lingers and tugs at our side..i am trying to find a way to get rid of that.

i guess video games fill the void a bit, but once i stop playing i feel it again. hmm i dont know the answer yet though, im sure we can all figure it out someday though right? nice meetin ya too , btw

[TorLin]

HELLO Rayacle


Welcome to SAS !

[chunkylover53]

Hi! I'm the female version of you. Welcome!

[Toad Licker]

Hey Ray, welcome to

[Rayacle]

@chunkylover53
A female version of ME? COOL! I would like to talk to you sometime What do you have in common with me mostly? .. now I'm Curious curious! Hope to hear from ya hehe.


Thanks for all the welcomes guys, im always here if you need a friend or someone to talk to if you would like to share anything with me or chat im willing to be a good friend and hang out with ya! i always have an open ear (eye? lol) and am more than willing to share stories and relate.

see ya and thanks !

[Kates01]

It's nice to hear i'm not alone with this! Had a horrible day of people talking bad about me because they think i'm being rude around people by not talking- but in reality i'm just too nervous to talk and i'm constantly thinking that i'm being judged. I wish some people would take a second look and realize that behind this sa there is someone really fun to be around!

Anywho feel free to chat anytime!

[Stu]

Hiya!

I'm pretty much in the same exact boat as you, except I've got a very frustrated partner and a very confused child. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder because I do get a lot of support from my missus, but people sure do get a lot more judgmental once you've got the responsibility of being a parent.

Like you I'm pretty much a hermit, I have trouble even going to the park with my daughter, feels like eyes are everywhere and I can't handle it most of the time. No friends or acquaintances although weirdly at work I'm really quite gregarious and as such I get a lot of invites to things, so most of the time I'm running pretty low on excuses not to attend.

Tried meds and found it horrible on them and even worse trying to get off the bloody things, loved online PC games but now most of them are clan-based I've drifted back to single player RPG's and FPSers to avoid the awkwardness of being social.

Oh and I hate the phone. My throat locks up, my hands start shaking and I spend hours and sometimes days or weeks working myself up to one call.

It's quite a shameful affliction being anxious to the point of paranoia, people don't understand it and most of the time it's quite lonely. I guess that's what makes this site so great.

[millenniumman75]

Welcome, Rayacle!

[PlanetarySauce]

No kidding, this site is a godsend, so to speak.
I think I had been in denial for so long that I really didn't think I had a problem. Well, I knew I did, I just didn't pay any attention to it and stayed in denial that anything was wrong. But with this site, it makes me feel a little more comfortable in knowing there's others "like me".
You always hear that, but you don't ever realize the comfort of it until you see it and know it's there.

The experiences of others you will find, are uncannily similar to your own. For nearly every topic, or every subject that someone speaks of you want to say "oh man that's me exactly".
I want to respond and convey that I feel the same way, but then I realize, well that's really all I have to say lol.
Here's to hoping we all can find a bliss somewhere in our lives that sustains ourself forever! *cheers*

[Neptunus]

Welcome to SAS, Rayacle! And I agree with "PlanetarySauce," this place is indeed a godsend.

[KaiserNeptune]

Originally Posted by Neptunus

Welcome to SAS, Rayacle! And I agree with "PlanetarySauce," this place is indeed a godsend.

Wow, I feel totally unoriginal now after seeing your username and avatar! haha I promise I had no idea there was a fellow Neptune-phile on the board!

BTW, Thanks for posting, Rayacle! Good to see I'm not the only new person.

[Rayacle]

It's nice to hear i'm not alone with this! Had a horrible day of people talking bad about me because they think i'm being rude around people by not talking- but in reality i'm just too nervous to talk and i'm constantly thinking that i'm being judged. I wish some people would take a second look and realize that behind this sa there is someone really fun to be around!

@kates

Yeah! So far I'm lovin this board lots of friendly people on here. I had that problem a lot in the past too for some reason people took my shyness for arrogance or "stuck upness". I remember some girl coming up to me at work in the past and asking me why I don't talk a lot. Boy I was embarrassed and blurted out "I only talk when I have something meaningful to say" she laughed in my face along with a group of my co-workers. Haha I don't think I'll ever forgot how dumb I felt that day. I just think people that never had S.A. will NEVER understand it because they think of it as a personal problem more than a mental disease, and don't realize it's not our fault at all. Sure thing I'll send ya a PM right after this post.

I'm pretty much in the same exact boat as you, except I've got a very frustrated partner and a very confused child. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder because I do get a lot of support from my missus, but people sure do get a lot more judgmental once you've got the responsibility of being a parent.

Like you I'm pretty much a hermit, I have trouble even going to the park with my daughter, feels like eyes are everywhere and I can't handle it most of the time. No friends or acquaintances although weirdly at work I'm really quite gregarious and as such I get a lot of invites to things, so most of the time I'm running pretty low on excuses not to attend.

Tried meds and found it horrible on them and even worse trying to get off the bloody things, loved online PC games but now most of them are clan-based I've drifted back to single player RPG's and FPSers to avoid the awkwardness of being social.

Oh and I hate the phone. My throat locks up, my hands start shaking and I spend hours and sometimes days or weeks working myself up to one call.
It's quite a shameful affliction being anxious to the point of paranoia, people don't understand it and most of the time it's quite lonely. I guess that's what makes this site so great.

@stu

My first thoughts to you is : GRATS on having a wife and child too! That is an amazing feat in itself, the fact that you have a family of your own. Right now I am dreaming of that hehe. I can only imagine all of the people picking at parents and trying to tell them how to be a husband or a raise a kid. For some reason people like to think what works for them will work for us. I think definitively think it is awesome that your wife supports you though. It does seem harder when you have a family because you certainly have a large amount of stress to contend with.

Haha I have to agree with you about the meds, they caused more trouble for me than the S.A. itself. Chills, all my skin would ache, dizzy, diarrhea, panic attacks, and more and more. The worst part is that ever therapist I've went to tells me that I can only help myself so much (50%) and I think yea right...these pills that are making me sick are supposed to help? Yea right..pal...

I suppose I 100% agree that the gaming community has worsened over the years. When I was in my late teens the people were very fun and open minded. I can't a game anymore without getting insulted for saying one single word. Everyone seems to have an elitist mindset and newbies are treated like scum more than potential friends nowadays. Being a recent player of WoW (4 year sub) I can say I don't even want to deal with it anymore, it made me S.A. worse because they pick at me for anything : gear, dps, knowledge, ANYTHING. Gamers seriously need to chill..and in FPS I am lucky to see a single person speak now, they are just in kill kill kill mode 24/7.

I find myself playing JRPGs/RPGs a lot more now as well, at least my computerized teammates motivate me instead of cutting me down, haha. Right now I'm hooked on the Shin Megami Tensei series, they have very challenging games and a deep battle system.

Phones! I have a funny story about that with me. I couldn't even order a pizza when I was younger but by pure desperation I signed up as a credit analyist a few years back. I joined with the promise of not having to do customer service (my worst fear in the world). At first I was pouring sweat and couldn't even pick up the headset and sat there, dreading that first call. BEEP BEEP! The first call arrived! It was a pissed off sales associate, she called me stupid, dumb, ignorant, etc. This was my FIRST call too! I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to quit on the spot. But later I realized I WAS IN CONTROL, and told her, you WAIT and I'll solve this problem ok? She backed offed instantly. Of course customer service was a different story, but I don't want to get into negatives...but let's say once I was promoted to customer service it was a nightmare, LOL. I made it through until I was laid off though.

Later I thought I could do 8 hr shift customer service because I got a bit confident with my phone skills, boy was I wrong. I danced my way through the interview and was instantly hired. T-Mobile had a downright malicious customer base, forcing me to quit after my third day. Now here I am regretful, but at the same time glad I quit that job. I want to get hired already (so boring stuck at home but at least my parents finally realize that I'm trying) and I am filling out apps that I qualify for left and right, and I'm glad I have the state backing me up until I'm employed again. Someday I will get a great job and start growing again, I think..hehe. The job competition is insane, I can't believe when I see 30+ people signing up for the same single position that I am, and most of the time I am not hired because one of them is more qualified (exp, degrees) than I am..doh

No kidding, this site is a godsend, so to speak.
I think I had been in denial for so long that I really didn't think I had a problem. Well, I knew I did, I just didn't pay any attention to it and stayed in denial that anything was wrong. But with this site, it makes me feel a little more comfortable in knowing there's others "like me".
You always hear that, but you don't ever realize the comfort of it until you see it and know it's there.

The experiences of others you will find, are uncannily similar to your own. For nearly every topic, or every subject that someone speaks of you want to say "oh man that's me exactly".
I want to respond and convey that I feel the same way, but then I realize, well that's really all I have to say lol.
Here's to hoping we all can find a bliss somewhere in our lives that sustains ourself forever! *cheers*

@Planetary

Yea man, this site is great. I think we can really do something here, and it's easier to start this way than in one of those circle group sessions..though I want to try one eventually. I was in denial for probably most of my life, I never thought it was my fault, I thought it was everyone elses. "I am quiet because people are mean" but then I just realized I am in fact afraid of talking to people because I was afraid of rejection.

It's funny how many times I do say "wow that's like me" and makes me feel less weird, it sounds like there's a bump in our life somewhere that cause this, and it just becomes a larger problem the longer it is ignored. I agree, WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! Let's fight for that, and make it our mission statement. Down with the negatives, Up with the positives ++++++++

@Everyone

Thanks for all the feedback, and hope to hear from all you great people again

I may have some typos here and there, I haven't typed this much in a quite besides my intro post..hehe..peace!