Hi all, this is my first post here on the forum. I just need to vent my frustration and my sadness at reaching the age of 20 without ever, ever having any kind of intimate involvement with women. If anyone can relate to this in comments I would be very grateful:
Well throughout my life since I was very young I have always sensed I was "different" than the other children around me. I would cry very easily when embarassed at primary school and the other children considered me weak and sensitive, although they did seem to like me in general and I had friends. I was always extremely shy though, much shyer than anyone I knew. I was a short, skinny kid although I generally did well in sports. Anyway, the one thing that didn't change about me all the way through school is that I never, ever talked to girls. If my friends were talking to girls and I was there, I would be silent and wait until the girls left. If I had some kind of social event coming up, like a birthday party or other things kids do, I would simply not go. In fact the very first time I had a real conversation with a girl was after my 17th birthday. After that through university life and such I have been forced to talk to girls on numerous occasions, but I have learnt to limit the conversations to the absolute minimum necessary to pass off as "normal".
I tried to deny my shyness for a long time between the ages 15-19, saying that I was just introverted and that I didn't like people and wasn't bothered about a girlfriend. But now I have grown up a bit and realised that there is something really wrong here. Almost all of the boys I knew at age 16 had had multiple girlfriends, many of them having active sex lives. Why couldn't I be like this? I would wonder. Why couldn't I just be normal and have girlfriends. After I turned 19 was when I really began to get lonely. University life in the first year was really bad for me. I was depressed, had no friends, did no socialising and as a result my motivation to work faded and I barely scraped a pass in my first year. Whenever I saw a cute girl at university I would get sharp feelings of pain and sadness because it reminded me of what it seemed I would never experience. I also developed a really bitter resentment towards women in general; I sort of saw them as loud and idiotic and ignorant. Although I've realised since I was just redirecting my self-loathing onto them.
Anyway here I am now; 20 years old, no nearer getting a girlfriend than I was when I was 12. The thing is, I am just so terrified that I might do something embarrassing that I just avoid women altogether. My pathetic avoidance has turned me into a ridiculously over-sensitive lonely childlike man. I have the social skills of a 12 year old and just no idea what to do to progress. Please comment, sorry for the massive read.