Social Anxiety Support

Cyberboy82 · 10-19-2009, 09:53 AM

By some weirdness girl agreed to go see a movie with me (its going to be a epic fail but that’s a different topic). We agreed go as friends there for its not a date I guess, so we both pay for our own tickets and food right? I don’t mind paying its just that I don’t want to make her feel weird by me insisting on paying if it’s not a date…this is so confusing.

KyleThomas · 10-19-2009, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyberboy82

By some weirdness girl agreed to go see a movie with me (its going to be a epic fail but that’s a different topic). We agreed go as friends there for its not a date I guess, so we both pay for our own tickets and food right? I don’t mind paying its just that I don’t want to make her feel weird by me insisting on paying if it’s not a date…this is so confusing.

If it's not a date, then you should split the cost of the tickets and food. To do otherwise may make her feel that you're trying to make it into a date, which may make her very uncomfortable.

Fuzzy Logic · 10-19-2009, 10:03 AM

Even if it were a date you shouldn't necessarily pay for her, this is the twenty-first century after all.

nothing to fear · 10-19-2009, 10:35 AM

don't insist on paying, then. i don't see any reason why you should. it could actually make her feel weird.

Iced Soul · 10-19-2009, 11:24 AM

If it was me, and it wasn't supposed to be a date, a guy paying for me would seem kind of strange. Like he thinks it is a date when it's not.

Even if it was a date, I'd still feel weird having someone pay for me, but then, I think I'm just weird.

debby · 10-19-2009, 11:51 AM

I think you should offer to pay for her but if she insists on paying herself, then let her. Socially anxious guys and they tend to shrink back from paying that that is a clear signal that you are just friends - ie there is absolutely no way you are interested in her and this could be your last outing. Offering to pay keeps it in the neutral territory and is a friendly gesture.

nothing to fear · 10-19-2009, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by debby

I think you should offer to pay for her but if she insists on paying herself, then let her. Socially anxious guys and they tend to shrink back from paying that that is a clear signal that you are just friends - ie there is absolutely no way you are interested in her and this could be your last outing. Offering to pay keeps it in the neutral territory and is a friendly gesture.

well. they agreed already to go as "just friends".

i find it so odd how these incredibly minor practices are over analyzed to death on what could be their ultimate meaning. jesus why can't people be straight forward on these matters instead of putting so much weight into these basically meaningless and insignificant gestures. not to mean that they are not friendly and nice gestures and i do appreciate it when friends or anyone offers to pay, but using that as proof as to whether someone is interested romantically or not is a tad ridiculous.

smalltowngirl · 10-19-2009, 12:20 PM

If it's not a date, then you can each pay for your own. It's as simple as that.

You said you agreed to go as friends, so it should be as simple as that. Yet you still seem unsure as to whether or not it's a date which is what's complicating things for you. You're thinking it could be more than what you verbally agreed on?

On my first "date" with my boyfriend I think he paid for my pizza. But at the time we weren't together and neither of us considered that particular outing a date. Although in retrospect, it sort of was a date.

I understand how these things can be kind of unclear. Is it a date? Is it not a date? My boyfriend and I were just discussing last night whether or not that first "date" of ours was actually a date or not.

Anyway, even if it were a date you wouldn't necessarily have to pay for her. It's perfectly okay to split the costs on a date, or if you're going out on a regular basis you could take turns with who pays.

Do whatever makes you both comfortable.

But if you're looking to follow appropriate etiquette rules, then according to Amy Dickinson, a popular advice columnist, the person who asked the other out should be the one who pays for the date.

Personally I don't follow other people's etiquette rules because they can get too complicated and ridiculous. My advice is to just do what feels right. Or ask her. "Hey I'd like to pay for your meal. Would that be alright with you?"

Have fun!

nothing to fear · 10-19-2009, 12:22 PM

when i hang out with friends and they have money i don't offer to pay, but if they don't or i know they are low on cash i'll offer. they often do the same. the next time i see them the other person will pay for the other. or for example if i want to get a drink and they don't want to spend money i'll offer to buy them a drink and i won't expect them to pay me back. gender hasn't had much to do with it.

i do find it kind of odd when i'm with someone for the first time, i have a lot of cash out and they still insist on paying and practically won't let me, since it kind of goes beyond that friendly gesture thing. maybe thats just how they like to make first impressions with girls but eh, i'm quite capable of supporting myself and paying the whole $12. i guess i'm going against what i said in my previous post about overanalyzing it but it still feels a bit like they are trying to get their "foot in the door"

Iced Soul · 10-19-2009, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smalltowngirl

If it's not a date, then you can each pay for your own. It's as simple as that.

You said you agreed to go as friends, so it should be as simple as that. Yet you still seem unsure as to whether or not it's a date which is what's complicating things for you. You're thinking it could be more than what you verbally agreed on?

On my first "date" with my boyfriend I think he paid for my pizza. But at the time we weren't together and neither of us considered that particular outing a date. Although in retrospect, it sort of was a date.

I understand how these things can be kind of unclear. Is it a date? Is it not a date? My boyfriend and I were just discussing last night whether or not that first "date" of ours was actually a date or not.

Anyway, even if it were a date you wouldn't necessarily have to pay for her. It's perfectly okay to split the costs on a date, or if you're going out on a regular basis you could take turns with who pays.

Do whatever makes you both comfortable.

But if you're looking to follow appropriate etiquette rules, then according to Amy Dickinson, a popular advice columnist, the person who asked the other out should be the one who pays for the date.

Personally I don't follow other people's etiquette rules because they can get too complicated and ridiculous. My advice is to just do what feels right. Or ask her. "Hey I'd like to pay for your meal. Would that be alright with you?"

Have fun!

You put that perfectly.

shyvr6 · 10-19-2009, 12:26 PM

Do you have any kind of feelings for her or is she just a friend?

TheDaffodil · 10-19-2009, 01:19 PM

Yeah you should pay separately. There have been times when I've just paid a friend's way on something just to be nice and they didn't seem to mind, just said thanks, but...generally speaking friends pay for themselves.

With dates though, I think whoever does the asking is the person who should pay unless something else has been discussed. If I asked someone on a date I'd expect to pay.

nubly · 10-19-2009, 01:39 PM

pull the old i forgot my money bit and let her pay for both of you.

Just Lurking · 10-19-2009, 02:30 PM

^

Yeah how about you pull that one and tell us how it goes.

Split it.

TorLin · 10-19-2009, 02:35 PM

3 ways to pay on a date;
A - both pay for their share
B - guy pays for date
C - girl pays for date

Amocholes · 10-19-2009, 03:07 PM

The one that asks the other one out pays. That one should also have the activities planned. Dinner, movie, etc.
If dating on a regular basis then take turns but don't get upset if you end up paying 2-3 times in a row. It's not about sharing expenses, but about sharing experiences.

In this case you say that you are going out as friends so gender and who pays shouldn't enter into it. It's not actually a date so you should each pick up your own expenses or split them. (1 pays for the movie and the other buys the snacks.)

Null · 10-19-2009, 03:53 PM

If going as just friends, I'd split it.

Brightpaperwarewolf · 10-19-2009, 04:02 PM

I always pay on a date. I feel weird if a girl pays for a date, I prefer them to cook for me

pokeherpro · 10-19-2009, 04:13 PM

Since you wrote that you don't mind paying, you could offer to pay this time, and then she can pay the next time.
Or you could split it, if she insists.
As for who pays on an actual date, I think whoever asked the other person out should. But again, if the other person insists on splitting, don't fight it. Just say "are you sure?". If he/she says yes, drop it.

SADuser · 10-19-2009, 11:00 PM

At the very most, offer to buy the food, but don't pay for her ticket.

I wouldn't do this with my mates, but if i went out with a girl as friends, buying the food in one clean sweep is a responsible thing to do, and eliminates the awkwardness of ordering food seperately. This is my opinion anyway.

Goodluck man, wish i had your luck.

10-19-2009, 09:53 AM	#1 (permalink)
Cyberboy82 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Toronto Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 107	Who pays on a date? By some weirdness girl agreed to go see a movie with me (its going to be a epic fail but that’s a different topic). We agreed go as friends there for its not a date I guess, so we both pay for our own tickets and food right? I don’t mind paying its just that I don’t want to make her feel weird by me insisting on paying if it’s not a date…this is so confusing. __________________ “Happy ending is just a story that didn't finish yet”

10-19-2009, 10:03 AM	#3 (permalink)
Fuzzy Logic Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: United Kingdom, Northern Ireland Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 312	Even if it were a date you shouldn't necessarily pay for her, this is the twenty-first century after all. __________________ “There is but a thin line between madness and genius. I have been trying valiantly to cross it, but I don’t think I’m mad enough yet.”

10-19-2009, 10:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
nothing to fear Status: silence is sexy Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 4,842	don't insist on paying, then. i don't see any reason why you should. it could actually make her feel weird. __________________ everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt. ~ i really like music. and photography, though i'm nothing special.

10-19-2009, 11:24 AM	#5 (permalink)
Iced Soul Status: Dancing on Rainbows Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Calilalaland Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 1,775	If it was me, and it wasn't supposed to be a date, a guy paying for me would seem kind of strange. Like he thinks it is a date when it's not. Even if it was a date, I'd still feel weird having someone pay for me, but then, I think I'm just weird. __________________ I scraped my knees while I was praying And found a demon in my safest haven. Seems like, it's getting harder to believe in anything Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts. I wanna know what it'd be like To find perfection in my pride To see nothing in the light Just turn it off In all my spite, in all my spite, I'll turn it off. - Turn It Off - Paramore http://twitter.com/MissEerie

10-19-2009, 12:20 PM	#8 (permalink)
smalltowngirl Status: SAS Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 1,077	If it's not a date, then you can each pay for your own. It's as simple as that. You said you agreed to go as friends, so it should be as simple as that. Yet you still seem unsure as to whether or not it's a date which is what's complicating things for you. You're thinking it could be more than what you verbally agreed on? On my first "date" with my boyfriend I think he paid for my pizza. But at the time we weren't together and neither of us considered that particular outing a date. Although in retrospect, it sort of was a date. I understand how these things can be kind of unclear. Is it a date? Is it not a date? My boyfriend and I were just discussing last night whether or not that first "date" of ours was actually a date or not. Anyway, even if it were a date you wouldn't necessarily have to pay for her. It's perfectly okay to split the costs on a date, or if you're going out on a regular basis you could take turns with who pays. Do whatever makes you both comfortable. But if you're looking to follow appropriate etiquette rules, then according to Amy Dickinson, a popular advice columnist, the person who asked the other out should be the one who pays for the date. Personally I don't follow other people's etiquette rules because they can get too complicated and ridiculous. My advice is to just do what feels right. Or ask her. "Hey I'd like to pay for your meal. Would that be alright with you?" Have fun! __________________

10-19-2009, 11:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
debby Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto Gender: Female Posts: 13	I think you should offer to pay for her but if she insists on paying herself, then let her. Socially anxious guys and they tend to shrink back from paying that that is a clear signal that you are just friends - ie there is absolutely no way you are interested in her and this could be your last outing. Offering to pay keeps it in the neutral territory and is a friendly gesture.

10-19-2009, 12:22 PM	#9 (permalink)
nothing to fear Status: silence is sexy Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 4,842	when i hang out with friends and they have money i don't offer to pay, but if they don't or i know they are low on cash i'll offer. they often do the same. the next time i see them the other person will pay for the other. or for example if i want to get a drink and they don't want to spend money i'll offer to buy them a drink and i won't expect them to pay me back. gender hasn't had much to do with it. i do find it kind of odd when i'm with someone for the first time, i have a lot of cash out and they still insist on paying and practically won't let me, since it kind of goes beyond that friendly gesture thing. maybe thats just how they like to make first impressions with girls but eh, i'm quite capable of supporting myself and paying the whole $12. i guess i'm going against what i said in my previous post about overanalyzing it but it still feels a bit like they are trying to get their "foot in the door" __________________ everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt. ~ i really like music. and photography, though i'm nothing special.

10-19-2009, 12:26 PM	#11 (permalink)
shyvr6 Status: Makin Waves Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Somewhere on a map. Gender: Male Posts: 9,645	Do you have any kind of feelings for her or is she just a friend? __________________ Music

10-19-2009, 01:19 PM	#12 (permalink)
TheDaffodil Status: Antsy. Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Maryland Gender: Female Age: 19 Posts: 1,170	Yeah you should pay separately. There have been times when I've just paid a friend's way on something just to be nice and they didn't seem to mind, just said thanks, but...generally speaking friends pay for themselves. With dates though, I think whoever does the asking is the person who should pay unless something else has been discussed. If I asked someone on a date I'd expect to pay. __________________ "Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt." - William Shakespeare NotForSaleCampaign.org \| StopTheTraffik.org \| SlaveryMap.org

10-19-2009, 01:39 PM	#13 (permalink)
nubly Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: USA the greatest and best country in the world!! :) Posts: 7,065	pull the old i forgot my money bit and let her pay for both of you.

10-19-2009, 02:30 PM	#14 (permalink)
Just Lurking Status: Student.. Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 2,852	^ Yeah how about you pull that one and tell us how it goes. Split it. __________________ "The psychiatrist says, 'I think you're crazy.' The man says, 'I want a second opinion.' The psychiatrist says, 'Okay, you're ugly, too!'" ~Henny Youngman

10-19-2009, 02:35 PM	#15 (permalink)
TorLin Status: MayTheForceBeWithYou Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: California Gender: Male Posts: 17,058	3 ways to pay on a date; A - both pay for their share B - guy pays for date C - girl pays for date __________________ MTFBWU (May The Force Be With You) - TORLIN AIM, MSN, YIM: T0RL1N Skype: Tor_Lin Visit me at; ToryLing.com \| LivingAnxious \| Facebook \| Myspace \| Last.fm

10-19-2009, 03:07 PM	#16 (permalink)
Amocholes Status: Super Moderator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hello my freaky darlings! Gender: Male Age: 49 Posts: 12,599	The one that asks the other one out pays. That one should also have the activities planned. Dinner, movie, etc. If dating on a regular basis then take turns but don't get upset if you end up paying 2-3 times in a row. It's not about sharing expenses, but about sharing experiences. In this case you say that you are going out as friends so gender and who pays shouldn't enter into it. It's not actually a date so you should each pick up your own expenses or split them. (1 pays for the movie and the other buys the snacks.) __________________ In the kingdom of the blind, the one legged man is king.

10-19-2009, 03:53 PM	#17 (permalink)
Null Status: Absolute Zero Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: PA Gender: Male Posts: 5,452	If going as just friends, I'd split it.

10-19-2009, 04:02 PM	#18 (permalink)
Brightpaperwarewolf Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Northern Virginia Gender: Male Posts: 928	I always pay on a date. I feel weird if a girl pays for a date, I prefer them to cook for me __________________ Happiness is only real if shared.

10-19-2009, 04:13 PM	#19 (permalink)
pokeherpro Status: Previously Banned Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Canada eh? Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,375	Since you wrote that you don't mind paying, you could offer to pay this time, and then she can pay the next time. Or you could split it, if she insists. As for who pays on an actual date, I think whoever asked the other person out should. But again, if the other person insists on splitting, don't fight it. Just say "are you sure?". If he/she says yes, drop it.

10-19-2009, 11:00 PM	#20 (permalink)
SADuser Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Australia Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 111	At the very most, offer to buy the food, but don't pay for her ticket. I wouldn't do this with my mates, but if i went out with a girl as friends, buying the food in one clean sweep is a responsible thing to do, and eliminates the awkwardness of ordering food seperately. This is my opinion anyway. Goodluck man, wish i had your luck.