Selfish son

[howard66]

Im divorced from the wife of my children and have 2 sons,one aged 50 who i see very often,and is a great lad.The other aged 48 still lives with my ex wife with his girlfriend.
The son living with my ex 20 minutes away will only come and see me,or phone three times a year,Christmas,birthday,and fathers day,doesent sound that bad cept i think he only appears as i allways give him a good amount of cash,and he spends very little on me.
He comes on fathers day.......i think as his birthday is the next day,the 17th,and he allways gets a decent pressie.
Ive told him i dont want any presents,and to save his money,a card is great,but year in year out ive said,come and see me more often,not just on his birthdays,or christmas.....but he never does.
Anyway he phoned today,and said are you home this afternoon,as ill bring your fathersday card,cant come on my birthday...Sunday as ill be drinking with my mates.
I lost it and told him if he cant be bothered any other times,dont bother
to show your face,and i hung up.
so fed up with 25 years of his selfish attitude.Was i wrong to act like this

your veiws welcome

[Zeeshan]

He is 48 and lives with his mom. I think your feelings are the least of his problems. Could you imagine how sad that is

[howard66]

Originally Posted by Zeeshan

He is 48 and lives with his mom. I think your feelings are the least of his problems. Could you imagine how sad that is

Living with his mum suits him,as i think he pays no board,nor does his girlfriend,and if he runs out of money his mum funds him.....daft cow!!!
His girlfriend is a thick *****,usually jobless,so no way is she going to advise him to go see his father.....or drink less....or stop taking drugs.

I feel bad for basicly telling him to sod of,but 25 years of this is enough,
but maybe im in the wrong,for doing so.

[lisbeth]

It really sounds like he takes you for granted so it's natural that you should have reacted the way you did. It might not have been the right way to react, but it was the normal way to react. I don't know who could keep calm in that situation.

[the cheat]

I dunno, it's probably normal to feel how you were feeling when you said what you said, but I'd advise you to apologize. Actually, apologizing will give you the opportunity to sit down with your son and explain why exactly you said what you said...and it will in turn give him a chance to respond. Conversation and honesty are key. Tell him that you feel, as father and son, that you should have a closer relationship, and that relationships aren't one-sided. Offer to make effort to spend more time together, and ask him to do the same...it doesn't have to be much...

[Rufus]

I agree with the Cheat. Also, find out how his emotions are tied to his drug use. He might actually feel guilty and hopeless. I certainly don't know enough to speculate based on what you've told me, but I understand how you feel. Does he have a problem using drugs?

[Zeeshan]

I think that given that he is 48, you might as well put up with how he is, and sacrifice your feelings.

No use being upset at him now, just love him for who he is

[Rufus]

I don't think so, Zeeshan. Life is too important, and short, to neglect the Father-Son bond. What has (not) happened between them is too sad to forgo.

[leonardess]

go with the Cheat's advice. it's sound. don't apologize for feeling the way you feel, just for how you handled it at that moment.

Life is short. try to talk it out with him. then you'll know exactly how things stand. and stop giving him your money.

[howard66]

Many thanks for your veiws,so far,the problem son is exactly the same with my other son whom ive a great relationship with,we sometimes fish together,and i metal detect about 20 times a year with him and his wife,but as brothers have no time for each other,so wonder if his mum,my ex wife,is polluting his mind against us both.
Might add my good son has no time,and no good words for his mother.
Very complicated.

[WintersTale]

I had a similar problem with my family. Several of my family members were selfish towards my grandma, and now that she's gone, they're all acting selfishly over the will...like they ever were here!

I don't blame you for being upset, but it's a little late in the game. He's not going to change now. The best thing you can do is dote on the son who treats you with kindness, and ignore the bad seed.

[Puppet Master]

No I see nothing wrong with your actions can only take so much after all family or not.

[PickleNose]

Well, I can only guess as to what's up with your son.

But I'll speak for myself. This is a possibility. I have a really hard time showing emotions or talking about sensitive issues. I don't know if I've ever actually told my father "Happy birthday" or "Happy Father's Day" or even given him a card. I do care about my father. Deeply. I just can't show it.

He probably thinks I hate him because I never say anything nice to him and sometimes I get upset with him and yell. Ironically, the one time I don't have a problem showing emotions is when I get upset. I wish I could tell him I love him but it's probably just never going to happen.

This is only a theory but maybe your son is dealing with internal issue that he can't really talk about. I know I tend to avoid people when I don't know how to talk to them.

Also, it's easier for me to talk to my mother. I don't think I tell her things like "Happy Mother's Day" either but I communicate with her better. My dad was a trucker and was gone most of my childhood, teens, twenties and early thirties. I learned to have a relatively open conversation with my mother. As a result, I end up preferring her. If I need to go somewhere, I ask her instead of him. I wish this wasn't so but it just is.

[komorikun]

How old are you if I may ask? You'd probably win this thread:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...post1060040541

[howard66]

Hi im 68 this august