WTF is wrong with me?

[WineKitty]

As some of you might know, I am a married fem, pushing 40 years old, living grudgingly in Colorado. Both my husband and myself have very good jobs here, and while my job can transfer, my husband's cannot.

Also, I have a 21-year-old son that lives in Las Vegas, where I lived for a long time prior to living here.

I think I am starting to lose it, I really do. I feel like I am in a tank of water being pulled under, like I am struggling to breathe.

I like the relationship I am in but somehow I also feel trapped.

I feel like we both work all the time and dont really do anything.

We take vacations and try to travel and that is great but on the day to day level, its all about eat, sleep, work, TV, and start cycle over again.

I just feel some kind of impatience, some kind of pressure inside of me that is building. Time is really beginning to have new meaning to me, and I have felt that way for the last few years. While I dont look 40 at all, I get told that all the time, to be honest it doesnt really matter. In exactly 30 days from today I WILL BE 40. And I am sure the "looking" part is going to catch up with me in the next five years.

I feel some strange pent up energy, some kind of longing for something yet i dont know what...and some kind of urgency. I am not sure that this is the life that I want. I dont know that I want to live in Colorado for the next 12 years. I dont know if I want to live like this for another 12 years. I dont feel satisfied with my life lately.

I have whined about this before; this isnt anything all that new. But the urgency part is.

And I feel horrible and like a complete jerk for saying that, my husband is a great guy. But sometimes I feel like he holds me back.

But then I have to ask myself-- FROM WHAT??

Am I just finding some way to blame him for these strange feelings I am having?

The plan is for us to live here unless some other great opportunity comes up until my husband retires in 12 years. And then, we can live anywhere as we will have the money to have a good retirement. Perhaps live in the north in the summer and in Vegas or Arizona in the winter.

I am hitting some kind of time of confusion and I dont know if I have expressed what I am really feeling all that well.

I just feel like life is catching up with me and I cannot keep wasting time, hoping that in 12 years when my husband retires, then we can lead the life we want, live where we want to live.

If I told my husband that I would rather move back to Vegas than stay here he would have a fit. But I hate living where I do and I truly believe one's environment has something to do with their mental state.

I am probably rambling and not making sense.

But I feel like I have been living in somewhat of a coma for the last 4, almost 5 years. And I just dont know that its possible for me to do this another 12.

I keep thinking to myself I could take the next year to figure out some kind of plan to get out of this. To get away from here. To find something different.

Different how, I dont know but by the time I turn 41, I cannot go on feeling this way. I give it a year, which is quite generous considering how time has got me by the throat.

And, for some stupid reason, I have been thinking of an old boyfriend (one I havent seen in years) quite a bit lately.

WTF is wrong with me?

[WineKitty]

If no one replies to this I will understand....way too long of a post.

[Sunshine009]

You just need direction.

[Atticus]

Penny,

Your post made all kinds of sense. I'm at work and I've just been handed a small (I hope small) crisis, so I need to respond more fully a little later, but believe me, what you're feeling is normal. What you do about it is obviously the $64,000 question.

[Woody]

...

[findingmyself]

i agree with the personal growth theory...i have been having the same feelings for the last 2 years and have finally pinpointed it----i need personal growth in the form of taking control of my life----i think you feel like you have no control over your life---especially since you don't want to live where you are livng, i mean, that is a day to day, all day thing you have to deal with

take control of your life penny!

me and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up last night for this very reason---i am taking control of my life i am sick of living with SA and i am going to change it---let me tell you, it is the first time i have felt a sense of peace in 10 years and the first time i feel like everything is going to be ok ---i see the light at the end of the tunnel, and while i know the tunnel will be gross, dark and scary, once i reach the light there will be no turning back and i will be the person i know i can be

keep me posted

[Still Waters]

When you are young-Anything seems possible! Life has no limitations. Now everything feels written in stone. You are facing a future of inevitable losses.- Eventual physical and mental decline. Much of the zest for life now has a manufactured feel to it. It does'nt help that you are slugging it out for the next 12 years to get to the big pay off. Okay,okay maybe I'm in a foul mood today!! I'm sure Atticus will put a much better spin on things!!!!

[liarsclub]

..

[Atticus]

Here's my spin

When I say I think this is normal, I don't mean in any way to diminish your experience. Childbirth is "normal" but I'm told it hurts like hell. The confusion and "losing it" feelings you have are a normal and predictable part of facing a big birthday and taking stock of your life. What you do in response to those feelings will determine whether you go middle age crazy or make a smooth transition and grow in the process, as others have said.

Try not to give yourself a hard time about feeling restless, or about questioning how your husband factors into what you're feeling. Its definitely a time to think before you act, and then think again, but you only hurt yourself if you don't take a hard look at what works in your life, and what doesn't.

Same thing with the thoughts about the old boyfriend. Those are just thoughts, and they seem normal in your circumstances, too.

Cudos for you for having the nerve to share what you're feeling. Good luck.

[WineKitty]

Thanks for the replies .

I am old enough to have learned to think before I act (well at least most of the time )but that is sage advice because that is what lots of people do. I dont want to do anything stupid.

My question is what do you DO about the restlessness, these feelings??? I am not sure that I can just ignore them. And I am not even sure what I want. (This is more rhetorical as I know there is no answer to this I guess).

For the first time in my life, I am realizing there are more days behind me than ahead of me. Its kind of scary.

And there is the lack of control thing, I believe that to be so true. But then again, I dont know that anyone has total control over their life do they??

One year. I am going to take one year to change things, to examine things, and if things arent ironed in ONE YEAR...then I will act before I think.

And even though a year isnt a long time anymore that seems like a long time to give things.

Although my husband is a great guy, and I have expressed some of this to him, I dont think he really GETS what I am saying, and being that he is 53 you think that he would. I mean, he has been there right?

I need to clear my head and start really sorting things out. I dont want to screw up my marriage, or what I have worked for. I am not sure I could ever find anyone who has been more supportive or kind or more of a friend than my husband.

But I dont want to just walk through my 40s in a coma either...

Jesus, am I one selfish jerk or what??

[WineKitty]

In the movie American Beauty, Kevin Spacey's character Lester Burnham decides to take control of his life. He quits his job and gets a severance package and begins to concentrate on getting in better physical shape, (of course with the idea of sleeping with his daughter's friend but that is beside the point). I am going to start by taking control of the few things I DO have control over and my body is one of them. I never really work out anymore, just long walks with the dog. Well, today I shook the dust off my weights and used them.

I cannot quit my job but I only have to work 3 to 4 days a week. I have plenty of time to focus on things I want to focus.

First step: Taking control of things that I CAN control instead of mulling over the thousands of things I cannot.

[Bon]

First of all, you're not selfish.

You have to know what you want to take control of, how can "we" take control of our lives when "we" don't know what we want.

And, I was right with ya, until I heard about looking your age in the next five years, that was cruel;-)) I'll soon be 45, and when people assume I'm 35, I let them;-)

You know Penny, I really don't have any advice for ya (yeah, I know write this date down), I can empathize like you wouldn't believe. That's why I say "we."

I used to do the same thing, "The person I'm with is a great guy" that's a non issue, he can be the greatest person on earth, he can be the most supportive person on earth, but this is about how you feel, not about him, for some reason we always have to clarify so no one blames or think's its the person were with (and I don't think it is usually, well, in my case;-D) but it wasn't all there was)

I think we're bound to think of people from our past from time to time, maybe the one that got away or the one we had hopes with, perhaps we heard how happy they were, or they made us feel a certain way. When in reality, theres a reason their an ex;-)

You have a handle on maturity, you don't want to do anything to cause friction where you are what you have now, that's more diligent than many.

The restlessness? Like wanting to run and run, do something, anything yet you have no place to run, and nothing to do........I think you have the right idea, concentrate on what you can change, not what you can't. That's the first step.

I don't know about self growth, I think you've done a great job in the last couple years, but what do YOU want, that's the question;-)

[WineKitty]

What do I want? I wish I knew. That would make life a lot easier.

And you made a good point Bon in that the person I was thinking about represents a time of more freedom in my life, a time where I was in my super early 20s, a time that I really felt free for lots of reasons. This person was my boyfriend at that time. I guess that is where this is coming from.

I didnt think I would be one of those OMG I am turning 40 people.

[Bon]

For me, I think much of OMG I'm now my mothers age.....Is Madison Ave. We think we're suppose to be a certain way, or be in a certain position, behave a certain way, or our looks are fading......you know what.......They are, but so what.....On the outside......So we aren't 20 anymore, youth IS beautiful, but where is it written that a woman of 40-50-60 isn't just as lovely in a different way.

You speak of your husband, where you would think he would understand or have gone through what you are, I think with men, it's different (Not it's any less Paul;-p), most don't handle or see it the same way.

Also.......I don't know how many years you were alone, where you could actually do what you wanted without taking anyone into consideration, but that was a biggy with me.
I don't know what your relationship is with your husband, but for me, I was always "Have to fix dinner, do this, haven't vacuumed in how long" (Of course it was always pointed out to me) "I don't like this, I don't like that" so, I wouldn't make it. I never had time to learn what I wanted, or how I wanted to live...... (These are the little issues.....but they can play an important role).
I got tired of the sacrifcing. These are the small roles, giving, being a caretaker, making sure everyone is happy, but, hello, waving loudly......We forget about us, and wake up, guess what, the 20s are gone, how could that happen....cause aren't we still in our 20s in our minds......

I just deleted a whole 10 paragraphs cause I was starting to talk in circles, basically saying the same thing. Be true to yourself Penny, you have to live with you.

I'm not your pillow but it sounds like you have a good handle on things, you're not acting on impulse, you're thinking, putting things in perspective, all this is a positive;-)

Oh man......."Can I call you Joe." Too folksy for me, and I usually like people like this. Oh, yeah, we're not talking over the fence;-)

[RubyTuesday]

Possible suggestion: go back to school and study something you've always wanted to do.

Otherwise, take up a hobby that you could make money from -e.g. jewelery making. ...start a little business. Do some volunteer work that's what you're passionate about.

...basically find and follow what you're passionate about and try to make something with it.

[WineKitty]

Originally Posted by Bon

So we aren't 20 anymore, youth IS beautiful, but where is it written that a woman of 40-50-60 isn't just as lovely in a different way.

Make no mistake its not like I desire to be 20 again, not on your life frankly I love the life experience I have now as compared to then.

You speak of your husband, where you would think he would understand or have gone through what you are, I think with men, it's different (Not it's any less Paul;-p), most don't handle or see it the same way.

Isnt is supposed to be even worse for men? Middle age crisis (I dont really like that term )was a term that originally was attributed to men rather than women. I think back in the day women were supposed to just suck it up, while men were allowed to have a crisis. Thank God times have changed.

Also.......I don't know how many years you were alone, where you could actually do what you wanted without taking anyone into consideration, but that was a biggy with me.
I don't know what your relationship is with your husband, but for me, I was always "Have to fix dinner, do this, haven't vacuumed in how long" (Of course it was always pointed out to me) "I don't like this, I don't like that" so, I wouldn't make it. I never had time to learn what I wanted, or how I wanted to live...... (These are the little issues.....but they can play an important role).
I got tired of the sacrifcing. These are the small roles, giving, being a caretaker, making sure everyone is happy, but, hello, waving loudly......We forget about us, and wake up, guess what, the 20s are gone, how could that happen....cause aren't we still in our 20s in our minds......

There have been very few points in my life, if at all really, that I have been able to do what I wanted without taking someone else into consideration.

I havent had that luxury since I was 17. I had my baby at 18, and while that has been a good thing, you sacrifice some of yourself for that, you know that, you are a mom.

And now I am heading into year 7 of this marriage and its been a good marriage, and I have been happy and I still love my husband and I think the dissatisfaction is not so much with him, its with our circumstance and his unwillingness to recognize how I feel.

I will always be in my early 20s in my mind ....And the person I have been thinking of is from that time period, so suffice to say it was A WHILE ago.

That person is from the one time in my adult life I experienced some real freedom. Ironically, it was when I was moved back in with my parents for a short time during the summer and fall of 1992.

I was laid off, so I collected unemployment, and moved back in with the parents. They were okay with me taking the summer off, and spent that summer having fun like people that age ARE supposed to have fun, going out at night, partying, late night jacuzzi soaks, all with that person I mentioned....I could put my kid to bed around 8, go out for the better part of the night and be home in the morning, nap in the afternoon. I got into some things I shouldnt have been into but it was the one time in my adult life I really felt like a kid again, without the shackles of adult responsibility and yes, even a break for full time mothering, selfish as that may be.

I feel like time is coming on strong and I dont have forever, like I used to. I feel like I have spent my life doing things I HAD to do, and not always doing what I wanted to do. So much so I dont even know what I want anymore....God I am an idiot. Am I even making sense???

I'm not your pillow but it sounds like you have a good handle on things, you're not acting on impulse, you're thinking, putting things in perspective, all this is a positive;-)

You are always a good source of sage advice and have a great head on your shoulders, Bon, and I appreciate you!!

Oh man......."Can I call you Joe." Too folksy for me, and I usually like people like this. Oh, yeah, we're not talking over the fence;-)

See S & C, dont get me started on that again!!

[WineKitty]

Originally Posted by RubyTuesday

Possible suggestion: go back to school and study something you've always wanted to do.

Otherwise, take up a hobby that you could make money from -e.g. jewelery making. ...start a little business. Do some volunteer work that's what you're passionate about.

...basically find and follow what you're passionate about and try to make something with it.

Thanks, Elisa. I am trying to recover some of the things I "used" to do but have let slip away. And I am trying to take a first step to feel some control over my life. School holds no interest for me. In the lab I work in, I could easily go into the tech program but the thought of balancing school and work makes me tired to even think about.

[Bon]

Your not selfish Penny, yes you make sense. Good grief, I was older when I had my child, we can love them too death, but as I was told by another parent, we all need "My time" the life you spoke of sounds inviting even now!

Do what makes you feel good, hey if it takes you a while to find this out, so what, your on the right path. Make yourself happy, then you can really make those around you happier;-)

Time;-) this is what I have TRULY learned, TRULY, Carl, a man I dated died not too long ago, I look back, and I TRULY, regret what I did not do in a given situation, because I was afraid how I would look, how the situation would look, rejection, you name it........ we regret what we don't do, when it was in our grasp;-) This is so important.
Be true to yourself.

You do need to hold back the urge to jump Cain's bones though, that won't get you anywhere, you want to talk about the guilt you would feel;-)

[WineKitty]

The thing is that there is some nameless feeling nagging at me and this is stirring up all kind of strange thoughts in my mind, making me question everything. That in itself isnt such a bad thing, we should question things and not be complacent, but I feel like nothing is satisfactory all of a sudden, I wonder if I even truly know who I am, if I have done enough at this point in my life. The restlessness that I feel is probably normal but it sure doesnt feel that way to me.

[WineKitty]

Originally Posted by Bon

You do need to hold back the urge to jump Cain's bones though, that won't get you anywhere, you want to talk about the guilt you would feel;-)

Yeah...isnt this the mistake that lots of people make when having some kind of life crisis? I would never want to be THAT cliche.