Where to next

[Atticus]

I'm venting, so be forewarned. I have a feeling that comes and goes. Each time it returns, its a bit stronger. The feeling is that I've ****ed up my life, and that I can't fix it. In order to not further **** it up, I need to go to work, take minimal care of myself, and see to my kid's needs. That leaves little time and no $$ to do much for me. So I'm trapped in this "place".

I know that what I'm feeling right now will pass, but the pattern is that the feeling returns, and with a vengence. I have no idea what to do.

[WineKitty]

Originally Posted by Atticus

I'm venting, so be forewarned. I have a feeling that comes and goes. Each time it returns, its a bit stronger. The feeling is that I've ****ed up my life, and that I can't fix it. In order to not further **** it up, I need to go to work, take minimal care of myself, and see to my kid's needs. That leaves little time and no $$ to do much for me. So I'm trapped in this "place".

I know that what I'm feeling right now will pass, but the pattern is that the feeling returns, and with a vengence. I have no idea what to do.

****ed it up it what way? Are we talking career? Money?

[Bon]

There's no PM icon. I'll attempt to figure it out before the end of day;-)

I think finances can induce a myriad of emotions. I can prove it;-) I'm going over my check books now, my balances, I'm looking at my other accounts and I don't have this warm fuzzy feeling;-)

[Atticus]

In answer to Bon and Penny,

I work in social services, for a private not-for-profit, which is definitely not profitable. My career choice made some sense when I was married and part of a 2 income family, but my ex stopped working over 15 years ago. We made no financial progress from the time I was 35-45, and soon after I left. She still doesn't work, which hasn't helped my finances much since I left.

This economy sucks, and my job isn't secure, but what is right now. Even if I could screw up the courage to do a serious search, this seems like no time to start over somewhere. And admittedly, I'm a bit overwhelmed thinking about making a big change at my age.

I'd work a second job, but I'm also very involved with my 2 youngest children (17 and 14). This can start to sound likie an ex wife rant, but but she doesn't take them anywhere, do any school oriented stuff, or even listen to them. I'm most of their support. Its hard for me to justify being less available for them in order to make only a small difference in my current finances. That applies to a second job or going to school and taking a long shot at doing something more lucrative at 54-55. Ouch. Meantime I juggle which bill to pay late and hope that the furnace lasts one more season.

There's a self image side to this, also. However foolish it may be, I judge myself to some extent by my financial well being, and how well I manage my life. I'm feeling like a total failure on both counts. Up until a year ago, I fought off these feelings by telling myself that I had time to get some of my personal issues settled, and then look at my work/$$ life. I'm sitting here at 51 and my personal **** is far from together, and I'm suddenly an old man who has to think long and hard about jumping over a ****ing puddle. It all seems pretty emasculating.

[Bon]

God Paul, your not alone in your feelings.

You know how I feel on the issue.

You may have to swallow hard and ask J for some help. The way I wrote the last sentence made it sound like she would be doing you a favor, that's NOT the case. I don't know if the situation is the same, but when there are two parents involved in day to day living, it takes both of them.

Your not a failure, what your feeling is very normal. You would be surprised at how many people are in this situation. Sometimes it looks like your the only one, but your not.

We have to get real with ourselves, that IS the hardest. It's OK to say to the kids "I really want to do this, but I have to put some money aside", cut down on one activity. Your allowed to do that, and or again, ask J to chip in. Theres nothing wrong with this.


I just delete two paragraphs, I thought Jesus, you have to practice what you preach before you can suggest to others;-)

I think Penny said she was making us a Steak dinner, salad, the works;-)

[WineKitty]

Well I am not sure who "J" is....and I admittedly only know a few things about you, Paul. Your ex, I am presuming. Bon's advice sounds good (as usual).

As someone who has had to work two jobs, I strongly advise against it unless you ABSOLUTELY have to. The time you miss with your kids isnt worth a few dollars more in your pocket.

Its hard NOT to judge ourselves based on financial progress and I think that is more a thing when you get older rather than when you are younger, I guess because when we are younger we assume that we have LOTS of time for things. But you are in a place MANY people are, not being as well off as they would like...esp in today's economy.

There are classes you can take online which is somewhat more convenient but it takes a while to get a degree and a lot of time, time you dont want to spend away from your kids. Also, considering other job opportunities is an idea you can consider. My husband changed jobs at 47 to his current job, one that pays rather well.

I think its a good idea for your ex to be sharing more of the financial burden. But dont expect her to change her ways as far as being more involved, I beat that dead horse with my ex and it never worked. I finally realized that I could make him cough up some money but I could not make him be a more involved parent.

Its being a great parent that is a great accomplishment, money isnt everything. I have spent the majority of my life with barely two nickels to rub together so you are not alone in that. That doesnt make you a failure, it makes you human. The time you spend being an involved parent is worth far more than money.

[RubyTuesday]

Hi,

Maybe you are judging things to harshly. I can already see some positives in your situation: - you haven't stuck in a marriage which you felt was unhappy (there are people who do and who probably are very miserable); your children are soon going to be old enough to support themselves; money is important and it is worrying at this time, but there are other things like job satisfaction.

There are probably people who are wealthy, and yet still worried or tormented about money and keeping it; and maybe a number of them just work for money and don't feel satisfied otherwise.

ANd I figure that when kids are older they appreciate more emotional support than financial support.

[Atticus]

Thanks for the responses. I've been mulling them over while I run the last few days (distracts me from the pain) and I they've helped me realize a few things.

The story I was telling myself privately as I started this thread was about me being a victim. A victim of a society that doesn't much value the kind of man that I am. A victim of the way my SA limited my choices, and in part made me the man that I am. A victim of my non-SA related circumstances and the way they're awakening me, it seems too late, to the need to make some significant changes. That was the back story I told myself.

That story makes my current struggles easier for me to look at. But its not the real story. There's an old joke about some guy crawling in the grass under a streetlight and someone asks him what he's doing. He says he's looking for his car keys. The person absent mindedly asks if he lost them here, and the guy crawling in the grass says "No, I lost them around back, but the light's better here."

The light's better in my "victim" story, but I won't find any answers there. The truth is here in the dark. SA limits my choices, but it doesn't determine them. I've always had options. By the age of 30, I knew I could be a good student and a good employee. At 30 I knew my marriage was hopelessly broken. Most of the problems I face now relate to the practical fall-out from not using my strengths to push myself ahead educationally/professionally, and from not facing my relationship problems.

Along with the practical fall-out, I'm now disappointed in myself, not for failing really, but for failing to try. At a dozen points in my life after 30, after I knew I could be a functional adult, I sold myself short and did things the easy way. At work. At home.

So it becomes clear now. This fight I'm having with myself is a battle between the part of me that knows that I need to choose a harder path for a while, and the part of me that wants to take the easy way. Again. Still. Always?

[Bon]

Paul, we get tired.

I think Penny suggested on line classes, that may not be a bad idea, I believe you can defer loans until you're finished. I know you have reservations of starting over, and I would never suggest this.
I then say, in 10 years will you be beating yourself up because you didn't try then (now).

Getting real is hard;-)

[EremitaGermanus]

Atticus, judging by all your latest posts my guess is that you are going through a bout of male midlife crisis. Unfortunately when speaking about that issue the focus seems to be still primarily on the hormonal changes and not on the emotional problems. You might want to look into that a bit more.

Objectively you did as well as you could in life but subjectively nothing you did seems to have met up your own expectations in life.

[Maslow]

Money problems suck. I got into a profession where I'm able to work from home and make enough to get by, but when you're stuck at a job 40 hours a week and you still have money problems, that really sucks.

My wife is going to start working on her doctorate next year and she's 50. It's never too late to change your life.

[Atticus]

Yeah, Maslow. I'm working too much to be this poor

I think (hope) I'm getting somewhere with this stuff. I bottomed out Monday when my car broke down and I couldn't get my daughter into her MD because of an old bill. At that point I had no energy left to resist, and I took a good hard look at how this happened. What I see isn't a pretty sight, but its pretty accurate, I think.

A lot of my problems are avoidable in the first place, and there are things I can do about the recurring issues that are driving me a bit batty, which are mostly $$ and EX issues. Pretty common stuff, really, and nothing I can't deal with. I just HAVE to deal with it.

[Sillouhette]

My situation is not anything like yours is yet it is in some ways BUT I have the same thoughts and feelings about my life that you are describing. It usually happens when I am hungry or need sleep. We are weak at those times and everything we think about that makes us unhappy looms very large.

[Mjh]

I just thank the stars I dont have kids, cause I would surely **** their life up if i did. Im getting panicked about where Im at right now. Primarily im worried about losing this relationship I'm in, my finances (that doesnt bother me too much), but most importantly of all - im worried im not gonna achieve anything with my life. Not talking about climbing a corperate ladder, just talking about a feeling of satisfaction from doing something that makes me happy. Right now that simply isnt the case. Im trying to change it though.