When are you satisfied with your parenting?

[epril]

I am so anxious because I can't seem to help my teens do well in school, get friends, be organized, be motivated. When is it time to give up helping? When will they grow up, be self sufficient, take responsibility? I'm afraid for their future. I feel like I'm a bad parent. I see my friends' kids doing greater things. I know I should not feel bad, because every person is an individual with unique skills, but I still feel like if I could just get it right. I feel like I've done things wrong, and been lazy about parenting. I feel helpless. I have had depression a very long time, and that really holds me back. I have done what I could. They are both kindhearted, non trouble makers. How can I say 'tough' to the rest of the world, including in-laws, relatives, friends, and the real world, when asked why they're not working, or getting good grades, or dating..

Do other parents feel this pressure, even when your kids are older?

[Atticus]

Your feelings are totally understandable, at least to me, because I have had the same feelings. I have 3 kids. The first was an A-B student and hit most social milestones right on time although he was a bit shy (mild). My middle child is a Senior in HS now and has had 2 Bs her entire 13 yr school career, was in advanced or gifted classes all her life, and is almost annoyingly outgoing

Then there's my youngest. She almost had to repeat 8th grade. She just got by without having to go to summer school after her freshman yr. So far this yr she's doing much better, but I still watch and worry. I have to encourage her to do ordinary chores. She has a social life but she sort of takes it for granted. She generally seems only moderately motivated to take care of her self/her needs.

The two girls especially were raised in similar circumstances and are only 2 ish yrs apart, and yet their approaches couldn't be more different. I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did or didn't do with my younger daughter to cause her to be so casual about things. I bargain with her and I read and and I plan ways to help her. I think maybe she's turning a corner now, but it seems to be in spite of what I did, and not because of it.

I think if you take an honest look at what your kids have going for them, encourage them in those areas, support them when they hit tough spots, and provide some age appropriate boundaries and responsibilities, you're doing all you can. The child has to take it from there.

My 2 cents.

[epril]

Thanks. Teachers and counselors have told me it's up to them how well they do in school. They both have a.d.d. and aspergers, and learning disabilities, but I still think they can do better than they are. I hate knowing I only have a few years left with them. I wish I could experience that moment where people say, 'we were worried about them but they pulled through, they showed us, they did it!' I want for them what any parent would want. A successful school career, friends, character. I wish I could afford more help. I can't afford counseling. That really hurts. They have so much potential. There are those who would say just leave them alone. I don't feel right doing that. I want to help them. I'm going nuts here, I feel like they are slipping away, as time marches on, and I'm not done yet! I'm sitting here doing nothing. I want to be proactive. I have to think of yet another concrete plan to help them. Even when they don't even see that they need help. Ugh.

[kpiper0101]

You only have so much power. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. I think as long as you love and support your children no matter what and try to steer them in the right direction, you're doing your job. It's their choice what direction they ultimately take. I was in the mentally gifted minors program as a kid, always had straight A's, and was a very straight-laced kid. Still, I am the only one of eight children who didn't finish college, has always had minimum wage jobs, and has been in abusive relationships. It really had nothing to do with anything my parents did or did not do. One of my brothers who always seemed to be in trouble and always struggled in school due to dyslexia, is extremely successful. If they'd been made to guess, they probably would have expected him to be the screw up in the family, not me. All eight of us grew up with the same two parents, and we're all very distinct personalities with our own strengths and weaknesses. I have three very different children myself. My middle son has had problems from birth; he's disabled in some ways and quite gifted in others. As an adult, he has the potential to far surpass the others or he might end up living with me for the rest of my life. You never know. Same with my youngest, on one hand I'm almost certain she's destined for greatness, but then again, given her extremely social make-up, she could end up pregnant at 15 and turn into a welfare mom. I am cursed with ultra successful siblings who have extremely successful children. It's difficult not to compare, but realistically, like I always told my oldest, when you get right down to it what I really want the most is for my kids to be good people, and it sounds like your girls are doing a good job of that.

[epril]

Thanks all. I know I've posted on these issues before, but when my doubt and anxiety raises a certain level, I need some reassurance!