what do you think?

[epril]

Tonight I went to the workshop. There was an improv. game. It seemed fun and at first I was happy to watch everyone else take a turn. I started to lose a little confidence though as more and more people took their turn. Some were quick, some were funny, and all were lovingly booed when they messed up. The game was winding down and the director was still looking for participants. There was some commotion in the room. I wanted to try, just to challenge myself and see if I could do it, so I put my hand up to volunteer and said, in a louder than normal voice, that I wanted to try, could I please try, I just don't want to go last? And.....I guess no one heard me. The director either didn't hear me, or imo, didn't think I could do it or would be good enough. I don't know. Sometimes this group seems so clicky. Well, it is. There are favorites. Right after I said it, I felt like crap and thought I would start crying, so I walked out the door, not noticeably I believe. Then, I said, screw it, I deserve to be there just as much as anyone, suck up your pride, and go back in. So, I came in another door and continued to listen in.

I just hate being so damn quiet and unknown and shy, and boring. I don't know how to act, and I'm feeling too old for this. I want to be cool and loved, and not ignored. Lately, at this workshop, I feel like a useless dork. I don't know if I should smile and be friendly, or just act cool, or what. I can't even talk to the nice girl with the baby. I feel so inept. I keep telling myself I'm ok, things are sometimes like this, and just suck it up and move on, and I will do this, it's just so hard sometimes.

Does anyone get what I'm saying? Anyone feel the same way? Ever? I think people just don't want to talk to the shy one with no cool and no posse. So, sometimes I seek out the other shy people and sometimes I force myself to be loud. People DO pay more attention to me when I do that. It's like, you have to knock people over the head to be seen, acknowledged and appreciated.

Please please please tell me you care, you understand...something???

[Atticus]

I wan't there so I can't say for sure, but from what you describe, it sounds like the director may not have heard you, rather than having passed any sort of judgement on you. I know not being heard is a concern also. I've felt unheard or invisible and it can be very humbling for me.

I think you deserve credit for wanting to participate, though, and for coming back after you made your exit. If this is something you'll be doing again, or if you do something similar, you might try getting involved earlier. For myself, I find that I have a tendency to avoid participating in things that challenge me until the last minute, and that adds pressure and sometimes makes me feel like an afterthought, whether I'm perceived that way by others or not. These days, if I know I have to do something tough, I try to jump in early rather than late, and I find that helps.

[epril]

Thank you Atticus for responding! I appreciate it so much. I like what you said about jumping in earlier. I wish I had. It takes me so long to feel comfortable, and then it's so late that I stick out like a sore thumb. ha. I'll try to volunteer earlier so I make less of an impression if I mess up. The thing is, it's ok for a cool person to look foolish, but not a quiet person. Guess what. I'm tired of hearing myself pity myself. I need to stay strong.

I honestly don't know if the director likes me or not. She has no reason not to like me, so..I don't talk to her hardly ever. I think she's great and I wish I could be more outgoing and witty like her. Well, that's why she's the director.

I just need a pat on the back sometimes. Even in these forums, I feel like I don't fit in a times. Thanks again.

[rubyruby]

You have gumption!

[hopena]

Originally Posted by epril

Does anyone get what I'm saying? Anyone feel the same way? Ever? I think people just don't want to talk to the shy one with no cool and no posse. So, sometimes I seek out the other shy people and sometimes I force myself to be loud. People DO pay more attention to me when I do that. It's like, you have to knock people over the head to be seen, acknowledged and appreciated.

Please please please tell me you care, you understand...something???

I understand, and thank you for reminding me why it took me so long to do certain things! You do have gumption. I thought about taking acting lessons, when I was 20, to see if it would help to ease my social anxiety, but I didn't go through with it. I was afraid that it would be just like high school, and that I would be the big joke. to you, for your courage.

[epril]

Originally Posted by hopena

I understand, and thank you for reminding me why it took me so long to do certain things! You do have gumption. I thought about taking acting lessons, when I was 20, to see if it would help to ease my social anxiety, but I didn't go through with it. I was afraid that it would be just like high school, and that I would be the big joke. to you, for your courage.

^Thanks you two! You made me smile and feel special! I wish things came easier, for all of us. We're all special. I want to have fun just like everyone else, but gosh I just clam up, and clam up more, and more, until if I speak I feel like they all can see my anxiety and are laughing at me, or they think I'm crazy. I know, that kind of thinking only holds me back, and gives me a reason to not try. So, thanks, I'll do more and just go for it next time!

[Sunshine009]

Was this a Dr. Richard's workshop?

[leonardess]

epril, I too struggle with these same issues. I could have written that post.

From what I see on here, you have a great sense of humor and it is unique.

But, we can be told that a million times, can't we, but never really believe it until we can somehow internalize it.

You will continue to question these incidents until you can believe that it just doesn't matter, and move on to whatever you want to do next and completely forget about it.

i don't know - I have the same issues. If someone reacts to *anything* I've said or done in anything less than the manner I want, everything comes tumbling down.

You did the right thing by going back in. At least now you know you can survive a perceived threat, and basically it will be ok. next time, make certain that you can be heard. I've found that when I try to make myself known and I am hesitant, then I too am not heard. If you can be certain that you spoke loud enough and all that, and still you are passed over or basically ignored, then you can be certain that the other person has the problem, because not to at least acknowledge is just plain rude.

[epril]

Originally Posted by Sunshine009

Was this a Dr. Richard's workshop?

No. Don't know who he is.

[epril]

Originally Posted by leonardess

epril, I too struggle with these same issues. I could have written that post.

From what I see on here, you have a great sense of humor and it is unique.

But, we can be told that a million times, can't we, but never really believe it until we can somehow internalize it.

You will continue to question these incidents until you can believe that it just doesn't matter, and move on to whatever you want to do next and completely forget about it.

i don't know - I have the same issues. If someone reacts to *anything* I've said or done in anything less than the manner I want, everything comes tumbling down.

You did the right thing by going back in. At least now you know you can survive a perceived threat, and basically it will be ok. next time, make certain that you can be heard. I've found that when I try to make myself known and I am hesitant, then I too am not heard. If you can be certain that you spoke loud enough and all that, and still you are passed over or basically ignored, then you can be certain that the other person has the problem, because not to at least acknowledge is just plain rude.

Thanks Leonardess! I have a soft voice, and I was nervous, so she probably didn't hear me. Plus, there was some hootin' and hollerin' anyway. Wish I weren't so painfully shy and sensitive, but, not going to let it destroy me. I could write on something for every interaction I have with a person, but it would drive people nuts. Gotta not dwell. Someone mentioned on a post we are Indigo children. I like that!