Laments of a 41-year-old virgin - Page 11 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #201 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 01:08 PM
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Sigh...really stretching it here. It was an example. To say it's just society is a copout. Society isn't all bad. You know, get a job, contribute etc.

I didn't say I thought he needs reminding. Not sure where you're getting that from. And, that's what the thread is about.


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Quoting you

'Or, maybe he does need to be reminded - a kick in the pants'

'To say he doesn't need reminding, well, isn't that what this thread is all about?'

You said it twice...

I'm not saying society is bad, I'm saying it expects you to achieve things at a certain age, and if you don't you are looked down upon. Which I think is unfair because it's harder for some people and shouldn't be judged for it.
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post #202 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 01:13 PM
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OP and I have the misfortune of living in a time when society has become hostile towards anyone who is different. Society would rather that guys like us go away and die rather than get help.
That's the way it's always been. I don't care how far you go back in time, you're probably gonna catch crap for being different. I was watching this documentary one about this indigenous tribe in Africa. And the American lady that went to study them wanted some time alone to go over her notes. Well the people in this culture believe that isolating yourself is either the result of sickness or demonic possession. So while she's trying to get some quiet time, the entire village kept showing up in her hut asking if she was feeling ok. They couldn't fathom why she'd want to be alone and as a result started to treat her oddly until she explained herself.

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post #203 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 01:26 PM
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Laments of a 41-year-old virgin

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Quoting you



'Or, maybe he does need to be reminded - a kick in the pants'



'To say he doesn't need reminding, well, isn't that what this thread is all about?'



You said it twice...



I'm not saying society is bad, I'm saying it expects you to achieve things at a certain age, and if you don't you are looked down upon. Which I think is unfair because it's harder for some people and shouldn't be judged for it.


Sooo...where did I say I thought he needs reminding, again? And my point is it isn't relevant, because the thread exists and a poster was giving his honest opinion on the situation. It may be unfair, but that doesn't mean we pretend it's all hunky dory either and bury it - these aren't mutually exclusive conditions. Yes, it's unfair; yes, the expectations are there, but they aren't exactly unreasonable either.

What is your situation?


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post #204 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 03:43 PM
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OP and I have the misfortune of living in a time when society has become hostile towards anyone who is different. Society would rather that guys like us go away and die rather than get help.
That's the way it's always been. I don't care how far you go back in time, you're probably gonna catch crap for being different. I was watching this documentary one about this indigenous tribe in Africa. And the American lady that went to study them wanted some time alone to go over her notes. Well the people in this culture believe that isolating yourself is either the result of sickness or demonic possession. So while she's trying to get some quiet time, the entire village kept showing up in her hut asking if she was feeling ok. They couldn't fathom why she'd want to be alone and as a result started to treat her oddly until she explained herself.
I'm sure that's what parts of Africa are like. I'm talking about "progressive" American cities. Women in just about every major American city have become just as cruel as men. Someone like me isn't welcome anywhere.
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post #205 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 03:52 PM
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Sooo...where did I say I thought he needs reminding, again? And my point is it isn't relevant, because the thread exists and a poster was giving his honest opinion on the situation. It may be unfair, but that doesn't mean we pretend it's all hunky dory either and bury it - these aren't mutually exclusive conditions. Yes, it's unfair; yes, the expectations are there, but they aren't exactly unreasonable either.

What is your situation?


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I did literally spell it out to you

No one is pretending it is hunky dory or sugar coating it, but it is a sensitive topic and the OP would probably be feeling bad enough about it, any negatives or judgements (not aiming that at you) will only make that person feel worse and I don't see a point in that. Better to be encouraging and supportive in my opinion.
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post #206 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 04:46 PM
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I'm sure that's what parts of Africa are like. I'm talking about "progressive" American cities. Women in just about every major American city have become just as cruel as men. Someone like me isn't welcome anywhere.
That's not the point I was trying to make. But if you say so.

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post #207 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 04:08 AM
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I did literally spell it out to you



No one is pretending it is hunky dory or sugar coating it, but it is a sensitive topic and the OP would probably be feeling bad enough about it, any negatives or judgements (not aiming that at you) will only make that person feel worse and I don't see a point in that. Better to be encouraging and supportive in my opinion.


Nope, never said that I thought that he did. $50 wager to win, "Woodbine"?

It is what it is - a tough situation, and being encouraging and supportive hasn't exactly worked out over the course of, I don't know will have to check. It's only an assumption that the person will feel worse, and may spark the motivation needed to get it done.


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post #208 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 04:09 AM
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So, December 2014 - going on 3 years.


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post #209 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 08:42 AM
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So, December 2014 - going on 3 years.
This is what effort and optimism get you when you're in your 30s and 40s still a virgin.
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post #210 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 08:46 AM
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I'm not sure what to tell you, we are all f...up in different ways , while I never had problems getting laid , I feel like my anxiety /depression has made me a ghost .

I dont know dude...I wish you the best luck for next year!
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post #211 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:12 PM
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About the guy being supposedly rude with advice, it sounded to me it was just a flippant reaction to the thread and hardly thought out. There are a bunch of factors that are glossed over. If a guy hasn't been in a relationship by 30 it's pretty much over already unless he's super rich or talented or somebody fairly successful. Being alone and without friends isn't going to cut it. Women will immediately figure it out and judge it. A guy needs to have some social influence. I had happened to meet a few girls I'd wanted to go on a date with and even went on "coffee dates" with a few. But it always ends quick the same when they find out I'm a SA loner loser nobody and have no peer friends. Anyways, there are a bunch of factors other than just going out trying to meet women. And it's harder or impossible when you're over 30 or 40 and most women close to your age are already attached with kids and if you approach young women in their 20's you look like an older psycho. Not saying OP should stop trying, or needs a "reminder" but there are a bunch of other factors than just getting out there.
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post #212 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:36 PM
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About the guy being supposedly rude with advice, it sounded to me it was just a flippant reaction to the thread and hardly thought out. There are a bunch of factors that are glossed over. If a guy hasn't been in a relationship by 30 it's pretty much over already unless he's super rich or talented or somebody fairly successful. Being alone and without friends isn't going to cut it. Women will immediately figure it out and judge it.

This assumes all women have it together, always. The first chick I went out with was more or less in the same place I was, which surprised me. So there is hope. Maybe a board member or two here?


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post #213 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 09:58 PM
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About the guy being supposedly rude with advice, it sounded to me it was just a flippant reaction to the thread and hardly thought out. There are a bunch of factors that are glossed over. If a guy hasn't been in a relationship by 30 it's pretty much over already unless he's super rich or talented or somebody fairly successful. Being alone and without friends isn't going to cut it. Women will immediately figure it out and judge it.

This assumes all women have it together, always. The first chick I went out with was more or less in the same place I was, which surprised me. So there is hope. Maybe a board member or two here?


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So you're suggesting that OP and others should pin their hopes to the less than 1% of all women who are in the same boat as them. This is foolish advice.
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post #214 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 02:20 AM
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So you're suggesting that OP and others should pin their hopes to the less than 1% of all women who are in the same boat as them. This is foolish advice.

I'm saying it's possible, the "1%" figure is probably higher than you think, and it's not necessarily limited to that percentage anyway. Nothing foolish about it.


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post #215 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-20-2017, 06:37 AM
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So you're suggesting that OP and others should pin their hopes to the less than 1% of all women who are in the same boat as them. This is foolish advice.

I'm saying it's possible, the "1%" figure is probably higher than you think, and it's not necessarily limited to that percentage anyway. Nothing foolish about it.


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Whether it's 1% or more than 1%, you're basically encouraging a guy living under a bridge to get rich by playing the lottery.
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post #216 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-20-2017, 03:22 PM
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I didn't mean to upset the original poster. Besides, there are posts in this thread which are far more negative (and self-defeatist) than mine. There are also many which go off on an irrelevant tangent.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin, true, but that is irrelevant to this thread. The OP does in fact want a partner, is lonely, frustrated and at 43 I think it's about time we started giving him some useful advice before it's too late? Wake up and smell the coffee guys.

Skimming through this thread confirms my suspicions that there is more at play here than social anxiety. Probably the number one reason for virginity is poor social skills, closely followed by body issues. Seems the OP is working on weight issues... good. You need to address the core issues which effect your self esteem. For me it was acne scarring... couldn't look people in the eye. It's still a work in progress and there are no quick fixes, but you can't wait for things to be "perfect".

Looks like the OP had a golden opportunity recently with a single mother. Well... invite her out, make your intentions known early on. Women are people too and enjoy sex. Flirt, compliment her, make her feel special. Just see where it goes. If it doesn't lead anywhere then it's no big deal. You don't want to marry the first woman you sleep with anyway.

This thread has been going on since 2014 for christs sake. I know personal development is slow, but OP is a lot older than me and he needs to get this monkey off his back.
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post #217 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-20-2017, 03:34 PM
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NA
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...asfuhi-867833/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...sfuhii-870193/

Why did you sign up under a second account...? If you lost your password, perhaps you can request it in the Board Help & Feedback forum...?

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post #218 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-20-2017, 03:37 PM
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http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...asfuhi-867833/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...sfuhii-870193/

Why did you sign up under a second account...? If you lost your password, perhaps you can request it in the Board Help & Feedback forum...?
It's just a throwaway. I don't post here regular anymore.
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post #219 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-20-2017, 05:53 PM
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I
3 I think it's about time we started giving him some useful advice before it's too late? Wake up and smell the coffee guys.

Skimming through this thread confirms my suspicions that there is more at play here than social anxiety. Probably the number one reason for virginity is poor social skills, closely followed by body issues. Seems the OP is working on weight issues... good. You need to address the core issues which effect your self esteem. For me it was acne scarring... couldn't look people in the eye. It's still a work in progress and there are no quick fixes, but you can't wait for things to be "perfect".

Looks like the OP had a golden opportunity recently with a single mother. Well... invite her out, make your intentions known early on. Women are people too and enjoy sex. Flirt, compliment her, make her feel special. Just see where it goes. If it doesn't lead anywhere then it's no big deal. You don't want to marry the first woman you sleep with anyway.

This thread has been going on since 2014 for christs sake. I know personal development is slow, but OP is a lot older than me and he needs to get this monkey off his back.

Which is exactly why the poster who said step it up was bang on - not rude.

Yes, I agree OP is trying to run before walking - wanting to find someone long-term is an admirable goal but you just need to go with the flow regardless and enjoy whether it works out or not, and not evaluate dates in those terms.



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post #220 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-20-2017, 06:37 PM
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Whether it's 1% or more than 1%, you're basically encouraging a guy living under a bridge to get rich by playing the lottery.

You want him to succeed?


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