Laments of a 41-year-old virgin - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-18-2014, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Laments of a 41-year-old virgin

Well, it's a few hours left until midnight. Hopefully I'll be asleep by then. Nothing will have changed since last year. I'm still being outpaced in my personal life by the average middle-school kid. Astounding.

My recent attempt at trying to outreach a low-income therapy program crashed and burned when I was told that I'm not eligible for services. This has really thrown a wrench into my attempts to try and get better and start the new year on a positive note. My depression and deep anxiety continues.

I was cut back to a 20-hour work week back in October, and managing money has become a mess. I'm trying to maintain my composure but it's not easy. My economic stability is my main priority. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that my complete lack of a romantic history and experiences have had a lingering negative impact on me.

I'm still applying for various jobs, and even some potential work/study graduate-school fellowships. I won't know if I'm a finalist for consideration until late February/early March at the earliest. Until then, I just hope that winter here doesn't become horrific with snow and ice. A car repair bill a few months back pretty much wiped out my savings as I was at the cusp of having my hours cut. I really haven't been able to save money at all.

2014 turned out to be another year of no dating, no girlfriends, and no prospects for sex at all. I'd give my personal life an F and my professional life a D. I don't know what 2015 exactly will bring, but as of right now I just feel awful, and even with my best efforts, nothing seems to change.

"With great power, comes great responsibility"
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post #2 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-18-2014, 08:07 PM
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I'm not sure what to tell you, we are all f...up in different ways , while I never had problems getting laid , I feel like my anxiety /depression has made me a ghost .

I dont know dude...I wish you the best luck for next year!
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post #3 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-18-2014, 08:13 PM
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Ah, the future I have to look forward to...

I don't have anything to add, so I might as well wish you luck. At least you're trying - not that that's any comfort, yeah.

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
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post #4 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-18-2014, 08:17 PM
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hang in there man. you're trying, and that's a positive. I've been trying the opposite approach lately, and I can tell you that that doesn't work. so hang in and keep pushing.

cheers
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post #5 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-19-2014, 12:30 AM
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Why don't you just pay for sex? I don't think there's any shame in it.
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post #6 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-19-2014, 06:14 AM
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Sorry to hear about it. I'm in a similar situation with no gf either. What I noticed was that girls would at least once in a while (maybe 2 or 3 times a year) look at or talk to me. But that was when I was 50 lbs lighter and had a lean face over a decade ago. I keep trying to think about the diet thing, but that's just it. I don't do it nor consistently for months. There was a poster who posted about procrastination ruining a life despite SA or in combination with it. Not saying this refers to your situation, but relating my own. Even when I did meet someone, I'd be a non-person after a few minutes when they realize I don't "talk like a contender" etc. Maybe because I'll forever be 10 yr old in communications, whether in id, ego or superego state. there used to be that book out there named "i'm ok, you're ok". maybe it's a brain limitation.
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post #7 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-24-2014, 08:27 AM
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Happened top run across this article linked from a posting in happierabroad.com

supposedly about a 58 yr old virgin:

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/12...ld-virgin.html
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post #8 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-24-2014, 01:34 PM
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Red face

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Originally Posted by cupoftealee View Post
Why don't you just pay for sex? I don't think there's any shame in it.
This. There's certain European countries where you can pay to get laid legally.

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post #9 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-24-2014, 02:17 PM
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To get sex in a relationship can take a lot of work to be honest. Not that I'm saying it's a game or anything, but you have to play by rules, take dates and flirt and keep her happy and in constant contact, bla, bla, bla. It can be very tiring! And if you don't have the etiquette, you might fall at the first hurdle.

There's other things I could say but they're maybe for another thread.
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post #10 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-24-2014, 02:21 PM
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Not only is paying not legal here but it is not necessarily desirable...

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
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post #11 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-24-2014, 08:22 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by ils25r View Post
Happened top run across this article linked from a posting in happierabroad.com

supposedly about a 58 yr old virgin:

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/12...ld-virgin.html
That was an insightful interview. I'll see if I can try and contact the person directly.

... @Nads, @cupoftealee, I wish it were that simple for me. I have a certain "bad luck" phobia-- as someone pointed out, it's illegal in the USA, except for a handful of cities/counties. 1) I don't live in any of those USA zones where the rules are looser. Actually, the closest would be driving a short distance to Ontario, Canada-- but certain national laws have changed there recently-

from wiki:
Quote:
Pr*stituti*n in Canada was traditionally legal as there were no laws prohibiting the exchange of sex for money or other consideration. On 20 December 2013, the Supreme Court of Canada found the laws prohibiting brothels, public communication for the purpose of prostitution, and living on the profits of prostitution to be unconstitutional. The ruling gave the Canadian parliament 12 months to rewrite the prostitution laws with a stay of effect so that the current laws remain in force.[1] Amending legislation came into effect on 6 December 2014, which made the purchase of sexual services illegal, along the line of the Swedish Model.[2]
While the prohibition of the activities surrounding the sex trade makes it difficult to practice prostitution without breaking any law, the act of exchanging sex for money has never been illegal in Canada, a situation which has created and continues to create confusion and controversy. The prostitution laws have been largely unchanged since the early 19th century despite frequent commissions, studies and constitutional challenges since the introduction of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms in 1982.
There is a general agreement that the status quo of prostitution in Canada is problematic, but there is no consensus on what should be done.[3] There is an ideological disagreement between those who want to see prostitution eliminated (prohibitionism), generally because they view it either as an exploitative or unacceptable part of society, and those who view prostitution as a transaction between consenting adults and advocate decriminalisation. The term "sex work" is used interchangeably with "prostitution" in this article, in accordance with the World Health Organisation (WHO 2001; WHO 2005) and the United Nations (UN 2006; UNAIDS 2002).[4] However the Conservative majority Government of Canada is committed to a prohibitionist position, as laid out in its new legislation introduced in 2014.
In any case- travel costs money (e.g., Nevada, or especially Netherlands/Scandinavia). The "entertainment" costs money (e.g., $200 - $500, etc.), especially for (relatively) mainstream "talent services". I can scarcely pay my $300 a month auto insurance bill (yes, that much; people who live in my city get jammed regularly on insurance rates, but that's a rant for another day.) With me being cut down to a 20-hour work week, I'm having more trouble juggling bills and that's contributing to my anxiety.

I also have a "bad luck" phobia: I imagine myself having the boldness to go ahead and seek out an "entertainment consultant". Only, at some point along the way some kind of unforeseen disaster strikes, especially from my amateur-level lack of vetting savvy:
  • she turns out to be super-pushy/rushed,
  • she tries to jack up the $$ on-site (different from whatever was posted/verbal),
  • not that attractive (especially for my "first time"? Ah, geeez...),
  • she turns out to be law-*nforc*m*nt (I'm allergic to jail)
  • she turns out to be a mugger (possibly with a male partner),
  • is an active drug addict ("hey, do you want to try??" Hell, no.)
  • or something else I hadn't thought of.

As it stands, I'd want to go see a therapist, but I got jammed in applying for a low-income service; an alternative clinic/service is connected to a University that is, well, out of business for the Christmas holiday , so I can't even think about approaching them yet.

So, the battle to find additional, new and better work continues. If I can finally get to a therapist, I plan on venting a hell of a lot, and I hope that I'm taken seriously.

The XMas/New Year's holiday is hard on me because of the awareness of couples and dating/hookups that happen. I still want to go to some kind of special New Year's Event, that's not too expensive.

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post #12 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-25-2014, 03:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hypestyle;1077173945Z

I also have a "bad luck" phobia: I imagine myself having the boldness to go ahead and seek out an "entertainment consultant". Only, at some point along the way some kind of unforeseen disaster strikes, especially from my amateur-level lack of vetting savvy:
This is also what I imagine for myself. The biggest would be law enforcement, some under cover sting, and I'd now have a record and still no sex. Add to that that sex trafficking is a problem in my state and I could not live with myself if a "professional" truly was forced into it.

Look out world, I ain't finished with you yet!

Got to have a life before I pile into the ground!
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post #13 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-25-2014, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by cupoftealee View Post
To get sex in a relationship can take a lot of work to be honest. Not that I'm saying it's a game or anything, but you have to play by rules, take dates and flirt and keep her happy and in constant contact, bla, bla, bla. It can be very tiring! And if you don't have the etiquette, you might fall at the first hurdle.

There's other things I could say but they're maybe for another thread.
This is just wrong on so many levels. In general it portrays neediness. Just go for it, and don't worry about "keeping her happy", aka being too nice. Leave "etiquette" at the door, too stiff and formal.
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post #14 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-26-2014, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
I also have a "bad luck" phobia: I imagine myself having the boldness to go ahead and seek out an "entertainment consultant". Only, at some point along the way some kind of unforeseen disaster strikes, especially from my amateur-level lack of vetting savvy:
she turns out to be super-pushy/rushed,
she tries to jack up the $$ on-site (different from whatever was posted/verbal),
not that attractive (especially for my "first time"? Ah, geeez...),
she turns out to be law-*nforc*m*nt (I'm allergic to jail)
she turns out to be a mugger (possibly with a male partner),
is an active drug addict ("hey, do you want to try??" Hell, no.)
or something else I hadn't thought of.
lol I can relate to this so much. That's what's kept me from trying to find a prostitute. Lately I've thought of trying somewhere in Europe or Asia where prostitution is not treated as some sort of horrible crime. It's anxiety inducing enough without fearing that you're going to be publicly humiliated or jailed.
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post #15 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-26-2014, 04:46 PM
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I'm a 34-yr old virgin and have really lost the desire to **** or even be in a relationship. It all doesn't matter. I feel like society and culture makes it hard for us to accept ourselves, and this is made up of people. People have no say in what we do or how we do it, if it's not affecting them.

even the hangman has friends
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post #16 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-27-2014, 12:28 PM
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estse, you are quite correct that society has certain cultural rules in order to be successful so I absolutely understand where you are coming from.
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post #17 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-27-2014, 12:30 PM
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Hypestyle - You have more important priorities than the sex though I understand why wanting to get laid is a big deal. The older you get the worse it gets so the more stressful it becomes.
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post #18 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-27-2014, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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Hypestyle - You have more important priorities than the sex though I understand why wanting to get laid is a big deal. The older you get the worse it gets so the more stressful it becomes.
managing stress is a major issue. There's no workout gym near where I live, neighborhood-wise. I'd have to go to a suburb; and at this point I'm not in a position to spend the membership fee. I'm sure a personal trainer would cost even more.

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post #19 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 01:02 AM
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^^

Have you considered something like P90X? Or running? Both are free and the most you need for equipment is a towel or dumbbells.

chase meaning > avoid discomfort
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post #20 of 221 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 01:21 AM
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^^

Have you considered something like P90X? Or running? Both are free and the most you need for equipment is a towel or dumbbells.
He lives in Detroit. Running may not be the greatest idea unless you're fast enough to outrun bullets.
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