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Old 02-03-2011, 01:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Just want to give up on life...

I’m 34… going on 54…. I’ve spent 10 years in tech and worked at some of the greatest companies in the world as well as started a few companies on my own…. I’ve always been someone who was “lucky” and had many opportunities come my way. I was sitting at my home last year about this time last year when a crushing wave of hopelessness, anxiety and panic overcame me like a tidal wave…

I was laid out cold and couldn’t function for a period of a few months… I was a marathon runner - fast one too - and somehow picked up a very old smoking habit again to cope… then came alcohol… drugs… promiscuity… impulsive spending… frivolous travel…. ANYTHING to feel better… I found a therapist and talked to my MD. Dr’s gave me anti-depressants and sedatives which left me feeling like a vegetable, so I quit as much (too early I’ve since learned)…. NOTHING was working… nothing… I was SOOO desperate to feel better!!! I began to withdraw from friends…. lost a bunch likely because I simply wasn’t responding or available for social gatherings…. I called my manager, crying, desperate for a work transfer to nowhere in particular - just away from where I was…. It was granted…. I quickly sold my DREAM home - and at a loss - and moved to a teeny-tiny apt in NYC… I went from a property owner to a tenant again - which felt like a terrible setback…. I don’t remember ANYTHING about the months I spent in NYC except drinking alone and smoking too many cigarettes…. I found my way back to the town I left some month later….

I’ve picked up work again with my therapist - tried different medication - and now seeing more clearly I miss my life the way it was so badly… the life I had BEFORE the breakdown… It crushes me that a massive depressive episode (aka nervous breakdown) could sneak up from nowhere and cause such an interruption in my life… I’m playing catchup - but it’s stress I never needed - never wanted…. would that I could have been patient through a difficult period - but I’m not that way….

My heart longs for the little life I had so carefully crafted and was enjoying so much before the episode…. It took years to set up - and just a few months to tear down…

I just want to feel better… current meds are helping… family and friends have always been there for me…

I just need hope… hope that I can craft something of equal or greater value than before….

I just want to love me for me - forgive me for a human condition…

I long for community again…. and to break free from my present isolating tendencies….

The bad habits are slowly being shed - but I cling to a few crutches because they make me feel better.

I just want things back the way they were….

I just want to be happy again…
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Can't have no in your heart brother. Just keep on keepin on. And remember, life is what you make it.
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Old 02-04-2011, 07:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Yeah, those nervous breakdowns... Feels like resetting and starting all over again multiple times (living many life-times over). Now you have to start everything from scratch. It's a taboo at a lot of workplaces too, so doesn't take but a moment for it to vanish, but many years to recover and 10 more years will go by in a flash. Last I remembered before 10 years disappeared, I was in my early 20s and my GF was commiting identity fraud on me.

At some point, you almost have to delude yourself into believing the life you had before wasn't so great, if just to get by. It seems unlikely that you can get it back any time soon based on what you mentioned, so it almost better to try to accelerate the "move on" period which unfortunately takes years. Hard to deprogram your memory (even with the meds and extra-cirricular substances/habits mentioned).
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Old 02-04-2011, 02:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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34 going on 54? At least your working for big tech companies unlike myself. Just keep yah head up there people out there who are far worse off.
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Old 02-04-2011, 05:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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At least you've accomplished some things at that age. Two years to get to that point and nothing to show for it yet.
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Old 02-04-2011, 10:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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The important thing is your on the right track. And now you know where you are and where you want to be. All you have to do is strive for it. Just pick up from what you learned as a marathon runner, time=distantance. So you can take what you learned in the past and apply it to your future.The self disapline is there you just have to work at it. Maybe you have the oppertunity to take your time and enjoy life your only 34. What do Alfred say to Bruce Wayne in Batman. Why do we fall? To get back up.
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Old 02-05-2011, 12:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by good2bgreen View Post

My heart longs for the little life I had so carefully crafted and was enjoying so much before the episode…. It took years to set up - and just a few months to tear down…
If I was your shrink, I'd ask you to explore these feelings. You talk about an awesome life. But seem like you were meticulously structuring it. You said you were "lucky". Sounds like some anxiety existed before you got your start?
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Old 02-05-2011, 12:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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^I'd second this. are you sure you want your life to be exactly the same as it was? Something triggered the breakdown, it sounds to me like you need to figure out what that was.
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I've been thinking about this some more. Can I ask some questions?

it sounds like you had a LOT of responsibility before. Was your breakdown brought on by stress?

do you want the same level of responsibility that you had before the breakdown? If, with the level of responsibility, you felt that there was a commensurate level of financial reward, is that what attracts you to the idea of having the same exact life? Could you do with less, if this was the case? Could you scale down, somewhat?

It sounds like you had plenty of friends before. I would think that if you had had good friends, you would have been able to talk about things that were bothering you? How close were you to your friends? I don't mean to cast aspersions on your previous friendships, but could you really talk to them? Friends should bring a lot of happiness and joy to your life. They should not be treated as therapists, but you ought to be able to talk to them about things that are going on with you, so that they can give you the benefit of their advice and criticism, their honest opinions. Did this never happen?
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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I'm kind of envious you had such a full life before career wise and a dream house ect. But what you never have you never miss, so I can see how you'd want it back again. Just make small steps to make whatever you want to be happy. It may not be the life you had before, but something better. As long as you keep the hope alive, there is a chance.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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There is such a focus to be successful and well off and good looking etc. in so many circles.. I suspect this whole expectation has lead to a good many people having nervous breakdowns. But I'm not saying that is what caused yours... I agree to look at the cause to begin with and then you will be on a new path.. don't be who you were and repeat history.. be a new you.
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Old 02-11-2011, 03:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I'm 54 now going on 100 so i know how it feels to want to give up on life, i try each day to accept what i have in life to be able to live my life day by day, not to know for sure if one day to the next day in mylife will be a day that i will find something to hold on to.
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Old 02-22-2011, 10:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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My favorite quote. Thought I would share:

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” mary pickford
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Old 03-08-2011, 01:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Well at that age, I wish I had done half as much. Did you miss a big promotion? got caught up with something that ruined your reputation? Well, I don't mind if you don't want to share it. As for advice, I don't know what to say since I don't have your history of success both career and social. I read some financial advice somewhere that renting is better than keeping up home ownership, as real estate will continue a leg down and won't really recover again until 2050. 10 years ago, I used to email with a guy 10 years older than me who used to work as an engineer doing work on avionics for fighter jets. Then he had his breakdown (although he never told me specifics either). then he said he got a job as a farm worker, packing fruit or something and learning to get along with other guys. He said he was making new friends with those people and he seemed if not content , then maybe happier with lower class friends who probably didn't judge him as much for his breakdown. then I stopped hearing from him.. Maybe he took a break, then later on restarted on his career in another state or with a totally new set of people. I wish I could do that. Just my 2c.

I'm still working on getting my own home, maybe never. Haven't been in a relationship, and getting up everyday when many times I just want to die in my sleep.
I'll never get into a corporate position. I was defeated by office politics after my last stint. I'm just good for menial stuff now.

My own brother laughs at me and gets me mad enough to get the police called over and yet he disavows all responsibility for his social attacks on me which has lasted a lifetime now that I'm almost 40. Even when I win an argument he continues to attack me some other way. I bet his own friends treat him like crap. He stopped listening to anything I had to say when he was 4 years old and when I was 8. At this point I just want to shoot him in the knee with a .357 caliber to do pain CBT on him to stop laughing at me or judging me with his fake tuf guy expression, totally fake.

most of my relatives labeled me a loser at 21 to 25. now almost 20 years later, I have no social life, no extended family life, no healthy friends. I have nothing, nothing at all.

All I do is drive to take out and watch out for the stoplights.
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Old 03-13-2011, 05:06 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Hang in there, Good2. There is a lot out there to live for. You seem like a person who understands that. Congratulations on seeking help and on the recent strides you've made. I believe your past successes, although they may seem distant at times, have taught you much and what you learned through them is still with you. Maybe just waiting for a different way to apply the same skills. Easy to say, but try to love the questions life has brought your way. All the best!
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Old 03-13-2011, 10:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Good2, I'm fairly new here myself and I'll tell you up front I'm in a place where I'm struggling so I may not be the best for giving advice. But for what it's worth, one thing that keeps me going sometimes is the belief that there is a reason for everything and sometimes things have to fall apart in order to create something much better. When we are at the end of our rope and yet we hold on and we reach out and we grab for resources such as this forum. And you sound like you have found several resources. You are growing as a person in character and in ways that will effect all aspects of your life as long as you hold on and continue to perservere.

Lastly, there are some really great people on here. In my short time here they've given me several "Aha moments" that tied together some points in years of counseling that I just didn't "get". (Even in your thread actually) I do wish you the same.

Hmmm...one last question, and no need to answer if it's none of my business...I'm asking because I'm like this. How easy is it for you to relax and just enjoy the moment? Or are you constantly worrying about and planning for the future and what could or might be? I don't mean impulsiveness but rather contentment.
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