Social Anxiety Support

epril · 09-03-2009, 10:13 PM

Are there people here who are living the dream? Or, is it a choice you make to stay together?

Atticus · 09-04-2009, 07:29 AM

I suspect that for most people (I've known a few exceptions) the normal course of a long term relationship is for it to evolve from "I can't imagine being without him or her" to "this has more advantages than disadvantages". That latter stage is more about practicality and choice than passion. That's not necessarily sad or a bad thing, but it's not the fantasy most people at least subconsciously expect to live, and I think it often disappoints.

I've known a few happy couples who seemed to know that the practical would overtake the passionate and were prepared for it, and so their expectations were more in line with their experience. Makes for a contented story, but not one that's going to end up being a big best seller.

Amelia · 09-04-2009, 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atticus

I suspect that for most people (I've known a few exceptions) the normal course of a long term relationship is for it to evolve from "I can't imagine being without him or her" to "this has more advantages than disadvantages".

Surely it's in the interests of both partners for it to evolve from "I can't imagine being without him or her", since even in the best relationship one of them is going to die first. So perhaps being practical and realistic is best for emotional self-preservation and the stability of the relationship. When someone gives up the will to live after their partner dies, it seems somehow more pathetic than romantic.

Atticus · 09-04-2009, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelia

Surely it's in the interests of both partners for it to evolve from "I can't imagine being without him or her", since even in the best relationship one of them is going to die first. So perhaps being practical and realistic is best for emotional self-preservation and the stability of the relationship. When someone gives up the will to live after their partner dies, it seems somehow more pathetic than romantic.

I agree, although I'm not sure it isn't romantic in the way I'm thinking of the word. Either way, those are examples of people who cling to the fantasy, even if it kills them.

odicepaul · 09-04-2009, 09:25 AM

In my experience, clinging to the “I can’t live without you” tends to put a wedge into the relationship for the one who wants to move on to a more practical relationship where there is compromise and motivation toward longevity.

epril · 09-04-2009, 09:49 AM

Ok.I need to approach this topic gingerly, as I don't wish to upset my husband. We've been together almost 25 years. It's been a shaky ride. My kids will be out soon. I have a devious longing for..who knows what. I have times when I'm very happy with my mate, and times when I can't stand him. I would never cheat on him. I just question this commitment sometimes. It's supposed to last forever. Am I going to get the good wife award at the end? Is it worth it? Is a lifetime too long for anyone to ask? It's good for the family, I hope, the stability, and the girls have a good sense of who they are and what they expect out of a mate. Darn it. I just feel like sometimes I only have one life to live, and I've been such a good doobie. I want passion, romance, newness, butterflies in my stomach..I know I can find these things with my hubbie. I dunno. I'll tell ya what..I need a life!

Yes, I do believe you can live happily ever after, with grand moments of passion.

Still Waters · 09-04-2009, 10:28 AM

It's funny,I find myself staring at those weekly pictures of "happy couples" celebrating their 50th anniversarys in the paper. I always wish I could grab them out of the photo and just ask them straight out if they're miserable. I just wonder how many of those elderly,grinning couples would really love to just scream and scream!! I feel that so much of it,must be just going thru the motions. Sacrificing more and more bits and pieces of yourself until all that's left is putting on the show. Especially for the older generation the appearance is everything.

EremitaGermanus · 09-04-2009, 02:08 PM

I only had romantic ideas about relationships from my teens to my early twenties. Then I grew out of it and developed more objective ideas about it over the years. Simply because my priorities also changed over the years. Romance is for the young and naive IMO. Nothing you can constantly integrate in your everyday life.

shadowmask · 09-04-2009, 02:23 PM

Well, this is certainly a depressing topic

kpiper0101 · 09-07-2009, 10:22 AM

I definitely believe in happily ever after. You should have known my parents. It was obvious how they felt about each other. Both were reserved and not very demonstrative so it wasn't for show and it wasn't showy; it was just obvious. It does seem a rarity, but true love definitely exists, and that's what makes for ever after possible. . . it's easier to face the not so happy parts of life when you have someone who really loves you along for the ride. I wouldn't describe my parents as passionate . . . but then again they had eight children so what do I know! Mom died after 51 years of marriage, and my dad was definitely a broken man after her death, but he kept going just as she would have if he had died first. People have some skewy ideas about what love is I think. We live in sort of a hyper-sexed society and romance and passion are somehow equated with love. I don't believe that myself. There's a selflessness in real love that takes delight in another's happiness -- every once in awhile two people get together who each feel that way about the other, and it works out pretty darn well. Of course, I've not had the good fortune of experiencing this first hand . . . though I think my relationship with my dog comes close. :O)

WineKitty · 09-07-2009, 01:20 PM

Wow. I would expect this level of negativity in the Relationships forum with the younger ones but am surprised to hear the elders of SAS being just as negative.

Surely, one GOOD thing about being older is being wiser. To think that the lusty cant keep my hands off you thing lasts at all with anyone is foolish. But that isnt even what love is its purely lust.

Love is much deeper than that, as illustrated in the above post ^^^^. The ideas that our society has developed has done a huge disservice to people.

I too have had a doubting mind...but recent events have cemented my belief of what love really is. Its a shame that so many people are so negative.

And I just love when people say they dont "believe" in love as if its up for debate; love isnt something that may or may not exist simply because one denies it.

lovemybully · 09-07-2009, 06:01 PM

i agree totally with kpiper0101. you said it all, well put.

TRENNER · 09-21-2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by epril

Are there people here who are living the dream? Or, is it a choice you make to stay together?

I believe in "happily ever after." However, I only got married for the first and only time at age 44, a little more than two years ago. We haven't had the chance to accumulate the years of resentments than can build up.

Zirnitra · 09-21-2009, 08:55 PM

No relationships that last very long remain stable out of compromise or fear of change.

epril · 09-22-2009, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kpiper0101

I definitely believe in happily ever after. You should have known my parents. It was obvious how they felt about each other. Both were reserved and not very demonstrative so it wasn't for show and it wasn't showy; it was just obvious. It does seem a rarity, but true love definitely exists, and that's what makes for ever after possible. . . it's easier to face the not so happy parts of life when you have someone who really loves you along for the ride. I wouldn't describe my parents as passionate . . . but then again they had eight children so what do I know! Mom died after 51 years of marriage, and my dad was definitely a broken man after her death, but he kept going just as she would have if he had died first. People have some skewy ideas about what love is I think. We live in sort of a hyper-sexed society and romance and passion are somehow equated with love. I don't believe that myself. There's a selflessness in real love that takes delight in another's happiness -- every once in awhile two people get together who each feel that way about the other, and it works out pretty darn well. Of course, I've not had the good fortune of experiencing this first hand . . . though I think my relationship with my dog comes close. :O)

selflessness: agreed

09-03-2009, 10:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
epril Status: sa challenger Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: arizona Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 2,646	Is happily ever after real? Are there people here who are living the dream? Or, is it a choice you make to stay together?

09-04-2009, 07:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
Atticus Status: under a sheltering sky Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: St. Louis Age: 52 Posts: 3,531	I suspect that for most people (I've known a few exceptions) the normal course of a long term relationship is for it to evolve from "I can't imagine being without him or her" to "this has more advantages than disadvantages". That latter stage is more about practicality and choice than passion. That's not necessarily sad or a bad thing, but it's not the fantasy most people at least subconsciously expect to live, and I think it often disappoints. I've known a few happy couples who seemed to know that the practical would overtake the passionate and were prepared for it, and so their expectations were more in line with their experience. Makes for a contented story, but not one that's going to end up being a big best seller. __________________ Basically I'm just gonna walk the earth. ....You know, like Caine in Kung Fu - walk from place to place, meet people, get in adventures." Jules after his epiphany

09-04-2009, 10:28 AM	#7 (permalink)
Still Waters Status: Lost And Unaccounted For Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Stuck in the Lost and Found Gender: Female Posts: 668	It's funny,I find myself staring at those weekly pictures of "happy couples" celebrating their 50th anniversarys in the paper. I always wish I could grab them out of the photo and just ask them straight out if they're miserable. I just wonder how many of those elderly,grinning couples would really love to just scream and scream!! I feel that so much of it,must be just going thru the motions. Sacrificing more and more bits and pieces of yourself until all that's left is putting on the show. Especially for the older generation the appearance is everything. __________________ I knew a man who lived in fear It was huge,it was angry,it was drawing near Behind his house,a secret place Was the shadow of the demon he could never face. He tells the world that it's sleeping But as the night came 'round I heard it's lonely sound It wasn't roaring,it was weeping. - Weeping - Josh Groban

09-04-2009, 02:23 PM	#9 (permalink)
shadowmask Status: Seeing stars Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: TN Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 1,085	Well, this is certainly a depressing topic __________________ Basically, I'm complicated I have a hard time taking the easy way I wouldn't call it schizophrenia But I'll be at least two people today

09-07-2009, 01:20 PM	#11 (permalink)
WineKitty Status: Almost 10,000 Posts :) Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Alone Inside My Mind Gender: Female Posts: 9,967	Wow. I would expect this level of negativity in the Relationships forum with the younger ones but am surprised to hear the elders of SAS being just as negative. Surely, one GOOD thing about being older is being wiser. To think that the lusty cant keep my hands off you thing lasts at all with anyone is foolish. But that isnt even what love is its purely lust. Love is much deeper than that, as illustrated in the above post ^^^^. The ideas that our society has developed has done a huge disservice to people. I too have had a doubting mind...but recent events have cemented my belief of what love really is. Its a shame that so many people are so negative. And I just love when people say they dont "believe" in love as if its up for debate; love isnt something that may or may not exist simply because one denies it. __________________ "The more I know about people, the better I like my dog." - Mark Twain

09-04-2009, 09:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
odicepaul Status: Somewhere Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: OK Gender: Male Posts: 295	In my experience, clinging to the “I can’t live without you” tends to put a wedge into the relationship for the one who wants to move on to a more practical relationship where there is compromise and motivation toward longevity.

09-04-2009, 09:49 AM	#6 (permalink)
epril Status: sa challenger Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: arizona Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 2,646	Ok.I need to approach this topic gingerly, as I don't wish to upset my husband. We've been together almost 25 years. It's been a shaky ride. My kids will be out soon. I have a devious longing for..who knows what. I have times when I'm very happy with my mate, and times when I can't stand him. I would never cheat on him. I just question this commitment sometimes. It's supposed to last forever. Am I going to get the good wife award at the end? Is it worth it? Is a lifetime too long for anyone to ask? It's good for the family, I hope, the stability, and the girls have a good sense of who they are and what they expect out of a mate. Darn it. I just feel like sometimes I only have one life to live, and I've been such a good doobie. I want passion, romance, newness, butterflies in my stomach..I know I can find these things with my hubbie. I dunno. I'll tell ya what..I need a life! Yes, I do believe you can live happily ever after, with grand moments of passion.

09-04-2009, 02:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
EremitaGermanus Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Germany Gender: Female Age: 38 Posts: 134	I only had romantic ideas about relationships from my teens to my early twenties. Then I grew out of it and developed more objective ideas about it over the years. Simply because my priorities also changed over the years. Romance is for the young and naive IMO. Nothing you can constantly integrate in your everyday life.

09-07-2009, 10:22 AM	#10 (permalink)
kpiper0101 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Eugene, OR Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 354	I definitely believe in happily ever after. You should have known my parents. It was obvious how they felt about each other. Both were reserved and not very demonstrative so it wasn't for show and it wasn't showy; it was just obvious. It does seem a rarity, but true love definitely exists, and that's what makes for ever after possible. . . it's easier to face the not so happy parts of life when you have someone who really loves you along for the ride. I wouldn't describe my parents as passionate . . . but then again they had eight children so what do I know! Mom died after 51 years of marriage, and my dad was definitely a broken man after her death, but he kept going just as she would have if he had died first. People have some skewy ideas about what love is I think. We live in sort of a hyper-sexed society and romance and passion are somehow equated with love. I don't believe that myself. There's a selflessness in real love that takes delight in another's happiness -- every once in awhile two people get together who each feel that way about the other, and it works out pretty darn well. Of course, I've not had the good fortune of experiencing this first hand . . . though I think my relationship with my dog comes close. :O)

09-07-2009, 06:01 PM	#12 (permalink)
lovemybully Status: Pitbulls are pure love! Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Jersey Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 23	i agree totally with kpiper0101. you said it all, well put.

09-21-2009, 08:55 PM	#14 (permalink)
Zirnitra Status: Hyperion Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: My Mind Gender: Male Posts: 91	No relationships that last very long remain stable out of compromise or fear of change.