Social Anxiety Support

ScrewHappiness · 02-27-2009, 08:59 PM

I notice when I'm in class (I take art classes for fun) and talk to the 23 year olds, I get this feeling of commonality. It's that uncertainty in their voice. That "discovery" mentality. Everything is new.. looking for a job, looking for a date, looking for something to do this weekend. I sat next to this kid the other day. He probably thought I was around his age, cause I look pretty young. And I still dress like how I do, which happens to be how kids dress nowadays.

I find it IMPOSSIBLE to meet people around my age, who are like me, who have the same "need" for friends I do.

They all have it already.

It's hard to find 30's people with mentality of 20's, as far as not having anything, and searching for something. All the 20's always ask questions, like.. how can I get into.. where is there a good place to.. etc etc. Everything's a question. That's what gives me comfort, knowing they are searching for things, as opposed to having it and doing it.

LIke if I meet someone in 30's.. and seem too excited or nervous about going out somewhere.. it's odd. Because they've been doing that since they were 23. They're beyond that. They're more into the advanced aspects of it.. while I'm still in that "OMG, I'm going to this thing" mentality.

This seems trivial but trust me people will react to this as if you are a communist. Adults still have that teenish attitude like.. if someone's not at their 'level' they feel iffy about really being friends with this person.

Anyway, don't know if I'm ranting or what. Just like to hear if any of you feel this way.. so I don't feel so alone!

lissette · 02-27-2009, 09:11 PM

I'm 33 and most of my friends are in their mid 20s. We do seem to have a lot in common. We like to do a lot of the same things and are for the most part single. I almost never even think about age when we hang out together. Sometimes though I am reminded of our age difference, since my days of staying out all night or doing bar crawls are for the most part done. I have a few friends my age who I can then hang out with on those quieter occasions. I also have a friend that is 40 and that acts like a bigger kid than me. I have found that age is irrevelant with friendship.

shyvr6 · 02-27-2009, 11:41 PM

I understand what you're saying. I'm kind of the same way in that I have a more younger and less serious personality that would click better with someone who hasn't already been there and done that. I would say to try and make friends with people you that you click with no matter what their age is.

bballfan · 03-01-2009, 08:54 AM

I'm in my early 30's and I do find it hard to find friends. I would like to have a friend(s) who share similar values as I do..but that is very hard to find.
I have one friend who I get along great(similar interests) with but we have not talked in a few months...so I don't even know if he's a friend anymore, so I guess i really don't have any friends.

kpiper0101 · 03-01-2009, 09:26 AM

I don't think age has so much to do with it really. I find it no more easy or difficult to make friends now than when I was younger. I have SA so real friends don't come easy
-- someone's gotta know ya to love ya, right? The fact that I don't have a social life to speak of means I'm not meeting many people, and opening up is hard for me unless I feel safe, which I rarely do. My brother-in-law on the other hand is super friendly and the best talker on the planet. He makes friends everywhere he goes, literally. I laugh about it because it doesn't matter where you are, he always seems to know somebody, and if he doesn't, he'll make a new friend before ya leave. Wish I could have just a little bit of whatever it is he's got!

millenniumman75 · 03-01-2009, 10:46 AM

Most are married and don't have time for friendships.

dax · 03-01-2009, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScrewHappiness

I notice when I'm in class (I take art classes for fun) and talk to the 23 year olds, I get this feeling of commonality. It's that uncertainty in their voice. That "discovery" mentality. Everything is new.. looking for a job, looking for a date, looking for something to do this weekend. I sat next to this kid the other day. He probably thought I was around his age, cause I look pretty young. And I still dress like how I do, which happens to be how kids dress nowadays.

I find it IMPOSSIBLE to meet people around my age, who are like me, who have the same "need" for friends I do.

They all have it already.

It's hard to find 30's people with mentality of 20's, as far as not having anything, and searching for something. All the 20's always ask questions, like.. how can I get into.. where is there a good place to.. etc etc. Everything's a question. That's what gives me comfort, knowing they are searching for things, as opposed to having it and doing it.

LIke if I meet someone in 30's.. and seem too excited or nervous about going out somewhere.. it's odd. Because they've been doing that since they were 23. They're beyond that. They're more into the advanced aspects of it.. while I'm still in that "OMG, I'm going to this thing" mentality.

This seems trivial but trust me people will react to this as if you are a communist. Adults still have that teenish attitude like.. if someone's not at their 'level' they feel iffy about really being friends with this person.

Anyway, don't know if I'm ranting or what. Just like to hear if any of you feel this way.. so I don't feel so alone!

I can really relate. I look young like you do, I find it impossible to make friends at my age, and I really miss that whole "uncertainty" and youthful desire to discover the world that people tend to get when they start college. I remember that feeling so well- being on your own for the first time, having real independence for the first time, doing new things for the first time. I miss that. But I still feel more like a 20 yr old than a 30 yr old- and I dress more like a 20 yr old too. I can relate to you on that.

People our age (I just turned 30 not too long ago) mostly already have a set of friends and generally aren't looking for anymore so it's hard to find anyone even if you didn't have SA.

dax · 03-01-2009, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by millenniumman75

Most are married and don't have time for friendships.

Yea, and that too. I've lost a lot of friends because I pushed them away or they just weren't interested in being my friend anymore- but I've also lost some just because they engaged and getting married soon and are focused on all that.

gnuSuL · 03-02-2009, 09:23 PM

Geez, I feel like I have lived three lifetimes but I have to tell ya that I do feel more comfortable around younger people. I don't have many friends but I know and interact with people at work and church. I work with the teens & college students in my church as a youth leader and their excitement is infectious. But I also like that they are searching and life is scary and new but they are ready to brave it (some of them). I don't have the fortune of looking young but I love music of all kinds and currently me and the kids have alternative and metal music we swap. They turn me on to some new bands and I do the same with old bands. They keep it real and simple, they haven't been tainted by life just yet.

John_in_SF · 03-09-2009, 09:42 AM

Is 30's the WORST age to make new friends?

No, the 40s are even worse. 'Cause your cohort is freaked-out going through midlife crises and besides, they all look so old. 50-somethings seem to have a lot more fun, and of course you are completely invisible to 20- and 30-somethings.

coldmorning · 03-09-2009, 10:20 AM

It's harder in the sense that most 30 somethings are married or have kids and don't usually hang out as much. People in their 20s hang out and socialize more.

But in one sense it's easier to make friends because you're not expected to have a lot of friends or a bustling social life. So for someone with SA it might get a little easier.

Johnny_Genome · 03-14-2009, 10:52 PM

I have casual friends from 20-50's. I tend to be friends with people who don't live the expected life. Most are passionate about some kind art form: music, film, design. I like people who like to do things besides hang out at a bar/club every weekend—who like to create or experience new things. Most tend to be younger, but probably because a lot of times people give up on their passions and just settle into the expected life by their 30's.

millenniumman75 · 03-15-2009, 12:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dax

Yea, and that too. I've lost a lot of friends because I pushed them away or they just weren't interested in being my friend anymore- but I've also lost some just because they engaged and getting married soon and are focused on all that.

It;s like I am suddenly on another planet and that I wouldn't understand.

MissMay1977 · 03-15-2009, 07:19 AM

Yep I am 31 and most of my friends have a husband/bf and are too busy for me.

orpheus · 03-15-2009, 07:31 AM

I don't care about friends, for some reason. I guess I'm used to being alone.

I don't expect my 30s to be much different, at least in terms of human relationships, than it has been in my 20s.

mighty atom · 03-15-2009, 08:16 AM

I've often felt frustrated and sad about this...

I feel like i'm stuck in no mans land....
All the people my age seem to have homes and family's or at least a steady partner...and don't want to hang out and just do stuff with friends..

The few i had at my last job - it was an uphill battle to even arrange a meal every couple of months......
(plus i weirdly ended up buying a car off of a boy i went to school with - who i was friends with....he recognized me before i did him - but wow did i feel sad...he had this house, was married had a young child......

(i was still at home and buying my first car)

But at the same time i feel really ill at ease among younger people - because they've already done far more stuff than me as well.....
I went back to University as a mature student a couple of years ago.....
And made no real friends (apart from a few i'd chat to in class) because i was too terrified and paranoid that they'd find out all the sad pathetic stuff about me.....

I mean how do you tell 19/20 yrs old who are full of confidence - going out getting drunk/partying and dating etc....that you're ten years older than them and have never even had a date.

I just wasn't brave enough....

I have a couple of online friends that are about 10 yrs younger than me and we get on...but thats becuase i have the safety of the interent, which acts as a barrier and means you aren't face to face and have to face the prospect of actually going out and socialising

lilly · 03-15-2009, 04:10 PM

I think it depends on what stage of life you're in. When you're single you would feel more needy of friends and maybe seem more open to friendship. In my 30's my world was looking after my daughter who was born when I was 34. I found it difficult to even attend mothers' groups and so on - there are the opportunities to meet other mums but I was too tense to even be able to strike up friendships. I'm friendly but get nervous when people make overtures to me - I don't know what it is but it's not helpful!
I forgot to add that I really think it's great you're attending a class. I don't even have the courage to do that by myself and I'd like to. So you're a step ahead already.
I think the hardest time to make friends is when you're older like me and don't know where you'd start.

02-27-2009, 08:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
ScrewHappiness Status: SAS Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Southern Cali Gender: Male Posts: 26	Is 30's the WORST age to make new friends? I notice when I'm in class (I take art classes for fun) and talk to the 23 year olds, I get this feeling of commonality. It's that uncertainty in their voice. That "discovery" mentality. Everything is new.. looking for a job, looking for a date, looking for something to do this weekend. I sat next to this kid the other day. He probably thought I was around his age, cause I look pretty young. And I still dress like how I do, which happens to be how kids dress nowadays. I find it IMPOSSIBLE to meet people around my age, who are like me, who have the same "need" for friends I do. They all have it already. It's hard to find 30's people with mentality of 20's, as far as not having anything, and searching for something. All the 20's always ask questions, like.. how can I get into.. where is there a good place to.. etc etc. Everything's a question. That's what gives me comfort, knowing they are searching for things, as opposed to having it and doing it. LIke if I meet someone in 30's.. and seem too excited or nervous about going out somewhere.. it's odd. Because they've been doing that since they were 23. They're beyond that. They're more into the advanced aspects of it.. while I'm still in that "OMG, I'm going to this thing" mentality. This seems trivial but trust me people will react to this as if you are a communist. Adults still have that teenish attitude like.. if someone's not at their 'level' they feel iffy about really being friends with this person. Anyway, don't know if I'm ranting or what. Just like to hear if any of you feel this way.. so I don't feel so alone!

02-27-2009, 11:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
shyvr6 Status: Makin Waves Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Somewhere on a map. Gender: Male Posts: 9,645	I understand what you're saying. I'm kind of the same way in that I have a more younger and less serious personality that would click better with someone who hasn't already been there and done that. I would say to try and make friends with people you that you click with no matter what their age is. __________________ Music

03-01-2009, 10:46 AM	#6 (permalink)
millenniumman75 Status: Super Moderator Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Dayton-Cincinnati, OH Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 38,672	Most are married and don't have time for friendships. __________________ millenniumman75 You are a success story waiting to happen! Live and let live VACUUMS more than a Hoover.... Live and HELP live is better!

03-02-2009, 09:23 PM	#9 (permalink)
gnuSuL Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 15	Geez, I feel like I have lived three lifetimes but I have to tell ya that I do feel more comfortable around younger people. I don't have many friends but I know and interact with people at work and church. I work with the teens & college students in my church as a youth leader and their excitement is infectious. But I also like that they are searching and life is scary and new but they are ready to brave it (some of them). I don't have the fortune of looking young but I love music of all kinds and currently me and the kids have alternative and metal music we swap. They turn me on to some new bands and I do the same with old bands. They keep it real and simple, they haven't been tainted by life just yet. __________________ ~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~ Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. ~ Kahlil Gibran @~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@ gnuSuL

03-15-2009, 07:19 AM	#14 (permalink)
MissMay1977 Status: Freakin Beautiful Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Indiana Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 1,088	Yep I am 31 and most of my friends have a husband/bf and are too busy for me. __________________ <@_@> la la laaaaaaa

02-27-2009, 09:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
lissette Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: NY Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 197	I'm 33 and most of my friends are in their mid 20s. We do seem to have a lot in common. We like to do a lot of the same things and are for the most part single. I almost never even think about age when we hang out together. Sometimes though I am reminded of our age difference, since my days of staying out all night or doing bar crawls are for the most part done. I have a few friends my age who I can then hang out with on those quieter occasions. I also have a friend that is 40 and that acts like a bigger kid than me. I have found that age is irrevelant with friendship.

03-01-2009, 08:54 AM	#4 (permalink)
bballfan Status: SAS Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 23	I'm in my early 30's and I do find it hard to find friends. I would like to have a friend(s) who share similar values as I do..but that is very hard to find. I have one friend who I get along great(similar interests) with but we have not talked in a few months...so I don't even know if he's a friend anymore, so I guess i really don't have any friends.

03-01-2009, 09:26 AM	#5 (permalink)
kpiper0101 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Eugene, OR Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 355	I don't think age has so much to do with it really. I find it no more easy or difficult to make friends now than when I was younger. I have SA so real friends don't come easy -- someone's gotta know ya to love ya, right? The fact that I don't have a social life to speak of means I'm not meeting many people, and opening up is hard for me unless I feel safe, which I rarely do. My brother-in-law on the other hand is super friendly and the best talker on the planet. He makes friends everywhere he goes, literally. I laugh about it because it doesn't matter where you are, he always seems to know somebody, and if he doesn't, he'll make a new friend before ya leave. Wish I could have just a little bit of whatever it is he's got!

03-09-2009, 09:42 AM	#10 (permalink)
John_in_SF Status: Good grief Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: San Francisco, California Gender: Male Posts: 261	Is 30's the WORST age to make new friends? No, the 40s are even worse. 'Cause your cohort is freaked-out going through midlife crises and besides, they all look so old. 50-somethings seem to have a lot more fun, and of course you are completely invisible to 20- and 30-somethings.

03-09-2009, 10:20 AM	#11 (permalink)
coldmorning Status: Add water and shake Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Northern California Gender: Male Posts: 2,125	It's harder in the sense that most 30 somethings are married or have kids and don't usually hang out as much. People in their 20s hang out and socialize more. But in one sense it's easier to make friends because you're not expected to have a lot of friends or a bustling social life. So for someone with SA it might get a little easier.

03-14-2009, 10:52 PM	#12 (permalink)
Johnny_Genome Status: I am, etc. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: LA Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 1,264	I have casual friends from 20-50's. I tend to be friends with people who don't live the expected life. Most are passionate about some kind art form: music, film, design. I like people who like to do things besides hang out at a bar/club every weekend—who like to create or experience new things. Most tend to be younger, but probably because a lot of times people give up on their passions and just settle into the expected life by their 30's.

03-15-2009, 07:31 AM	#15 (permalink)
orpheus Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Socal Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 6,102	I don't care about friends, for some reason. I guess I'm used to being alone. I don't expect my 30s to be much different, at least in terms of human relationships, than it has been in my 20s. __________________ "To hell with reality! I want to die in music, not in reason or in prose. People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them. To hell with them."

03-15-2009, 08:16 AM	#16 (permalink)
mighty atom Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 84	I've often felt frustrated and sad about this... I feel like i'm stuck in no mans land.... All the people my age seem to have homes and family's or at least a steady partner...and don't want to hang out and just do stuff with friends.. The few i had at my last job - it was an uphill battle to even arrange a meal every couple of months...... (plus i weirdly ended up buying a car off of a boy i went to school with - who i was friends with....he recognized me before i did him - but wow did i feel sad...he had this house, was married had a young child...... (i was still at home and buying my first car) But at the same time i feel really ill at ease among younger people - because they've already done far more stuff than me as well..... I went back to University as a mature student a couple of years ago..... And made no real friends (apart from a few i'd chat to in class) because i was too terrified and paranoid that they'd find out all the sad pathetic stuff about me..... I mean how do you tell 19/20 yrs old who are full of confidence - going out getting drunk/partying and dating etc....that you're ten years older than them and have never even had a date. I just wasn't brave enough.... I have a couple of online friends that are about 10 yrs younger than me and we get on...but thats becuase i have the safety of the interent, which acts as a barrier and means you aren't face to face and have to face the prospect of actually going out and socialising

03-15-2009, 04:10 PM	#17 (permalink)
lilly Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: australia Gender: Female Age: 50 Posts: 1,746	I think it depends on what stage of life you're in. When you're single you would feel more needy of friends and maybe seem more open to friendship. In my 30's my world was looking after my daughter who was born when I was 34. I found it difficult to even attend mothers' groups and so on - there are the opportunities to meet other mums but I was too tense to even be able to strike up friendships. I'm friendly but get nervous when people make overtures to me - I don't know what it is but it's not helpful! I forgot to add that I really think it's great you're attending a class. I don't even have the courage to do that by myself and I'd like to. So you're a step ahead already. I think the hardest time to make friends is when you're older like me and don't know where you'd start.