Impression Management (or not)

[Atticus]

This is mostly a rant. I'd post it in "frustration", but I feel more comfortable putting it here.

I spend so much time trying to control the impression I make on people. I know I'm not unique in this regard, especially here. But its really hammering on my psyche today.

I feel like a 15 year old standing in front of the mirror for 30 minutes trying to look cool. No matter how I stand, or where I part my hair (in the metaphor I still have hair) or how I talk, I'm just going to come off as being me. And that clearly won't do.

So the "impression management" in the title is a true enough issue, but its not the issue. I try to manage the impression I make in order to soothe my burning insecurities. In order to mask the ugly, defective, and trivial person I feel myself to be. That title would have been too long, though.

Never mind that its a distorted, dysmorphic, possibly delusional take on "me". Perception is reality. Real enough, anyway. And the perception may be off, but the feelings are real, and that's the crux of this.

The crux is that I so hate feeling this helpless, this useless to myself or anyone else. Its not fair, and I want it to change, and right now I don't want to break a sweat trying to make it change.

I'm so very, very tired of this.

[Ms Deer]

Atticus, I wish there were something I could say that would make you feel better. Any ideas or "advice" that I might give you would be totally inappropriate for you. I no longer work outside the home, I am a real loner (almost a recluse) and so I don't worry about how other people view me. But I know that is not the case for people who are much younger than I. I do hope you can get a handle on this so that it does not eat you up from the inside out.

And so, all I have to give you are

Ms Deer

[Maslow]

Try this:

[Maslow]

If that doesn't work, try Buddhism. It's done wonders for my well being.

[tomcoldaba]

Originally Posted by Maslow

If that doesn't work, try Buddhism. It's done wonders for my well being.

Buddhism has really worked for you. You are rarely on this forum. It means that you have found "nirvana". Good for you.

[mechagirl]

I always tell my therapist that sometimes i wish i was one of those people who just doesnt care what others think of them. You know the kind, they go around doing whatever they want, act & dress however they want & others opinions just dont phase them. They may even be seen as rude or weird but they just dont care. At least they arent always racked with worry or self consciousness about every little thing to the point that they cant function.

if there was a pill for whatever that is that makes you feel like that, Id take it...

[Bon]

First you beat me to the line of hair......I was going to say, what hair;-)))

I don't know Paul, I think we all go through this, I know we do, yet we're getting to an age, well, who cares. Let me try and explain.

Christie Brinkley (sp) her husband cheated on her, she's a beautiful woman, think of any handsome/beautiful person you have known.......That is in a relationship.....The other person, will find fault with them.

What one sees as beauty, another may not, really, it is about personal taste and chemistry.

As you know I've gained a ton of weight. The people that knew me from the old days, some don't recognize me when they see me, some do, and you can see the smirk it's annoying, it hurts, BUT:

I go to SOS, get my DL renewed, we're joking, the photo comes back "50 more pounds to go" the woman said "NO, just be you" she wasn't just being nice, we had a repore......OK, people from the board, that know my personality, that know me, they know that I'm heavier than I used to be, and it DOES not matter to them, not at all, they see me in a different light.

Try and concentrate on the positive, the people that are around you, that accept you for who you are......

You know, in my late teens mid 20s, I didn't think there was a woman that could compete with me. Now, I'm aging, but I'm OK, I'm not, beautiful I'm not that sexy come hither person, it too me a while to accept this, but I'm OK, I'm attractive, sure I would like to look like a young Liz Taylor, but in the end, it wouldn't change my life one bit, not one.

Accept yourself, you know the truth, you know your heart/soul.......A strangers impression is their subjective truth.

Sorry, it's well passed 8;00 PM and I'm still up.

[Bon]

Originally Posted by Maslow

If that doesn't work, try Buddhism. It's done wonders for my well being.

Or whiskey, lots of whiskey;-)

[Atticus]

Thanks for the feedback.

As I was writing the original post in this thread, I was already struggling with whether to post it or not. Part of the impression I want to manage, a big part, is how I handle things. I've been very tempted to remove what I wrote, but leaving it here seems healthier?

Within a few hours of writing it I felt some better, but then I knew that would happen. The super needy state I was in never lasts long, but it was extremely intense the other day, and I was totally caught off guard by it.
Venting helped some, and so did the passage of time.

That's all well and good, but I was paralyzed for about 6 hours that day, and that seems a bit much. And If I'm honest, I spend a lot of time and energy avoiding things that trigger my insecurities, and those triggers are everywhere. Although some of my insecurities are about physical things, most of them are about how I do (financially, emotionally, as a parent, as a neighbor, friend, and so on). Every news story or TV show or thread here seems to touch on something I can potentially feel tested by, so even when I'm pretty much in control, its because of all the effort I've put into not personalizing every piece of info I come across.

Which tells me, and I don't want to hear this most of all, that I'm not where I want to be. That's the biggest piece of info I run away from, and it keeps catching up to me. Not much chance of me getting any faster at this age, so I guess I have to learn to live with myself.

[Maslow]

Paul- Forgive yourself. You can't change the past.

[Bon]

Yes, forgive yourself, we have all posted things, then look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Paul, are you unhappy with where you are, or is it perhaps you feel society thinks you should be somewhere other than where you are in life? Believe me I can relate to what you have written, having said this what would it take to make you happy?

We can change at any age, we can change anything, does that mean it's easiser, hell no, but I think if we start out with the small things, get our house in order, everything else will seem easier to tackle, fall into place.

[Maslow]

Originally Posted by tomcoldaba

Buddhism has really worked for you. You are rarely on this forum. It means that you have found "nirvana". Good for you.

No, I spend most days staring out the window, wondering what could have been, what might have been -- what should have been. The myriad missed opportunities. The pathetic attempts at verve and vigor. All the blunders. On the days when I can muster enough energy to drag myself upstairs to the computer, most times I simply observe. Who wants to hear my lachrymatory rants? Who cares? What am I doing here?

And so -- on the Internet, like my life, I'm a bystander -- a collateral damage statistic. The firetruck ladder passes my window once again to serve someone more worthy. And I realize that for the rest of my sad, wretched, pathetic life, this is who I am to the bitter end. Inevitably. Irrevocably. Have a nice day? I don't think so.

Oh, well... back to work.

[mechagirl]

Originally Posted by Maslow

No, I spend most days staring out the window, wondering what could have been, what might have been -- what should have been. The myriad missed opportunities. The pathetic attempts at verve and vigor. All the blunders. On the days when I can muster enough energy to drag myself upstairs to the computer, most times I simply observe. Who wants to hear my lachrymatory rants? Who cares? What am I doing here?

And so -- on the Internet, like my life, I'm a bystander -- a collateral damage statistic. The firetruck ladder passes my window once again to serve someone more worthy. And I realize that for the rest of my sad, wretched, pathetic life, this is who I am to the bitter end. Inevitably. Irrevocably. Have a nice day? I don't think so.

Oh, well... back to work.

Just a reflection
Just a glimpse
Just a little reminder
Of all the what abouts
And all the might have
could have beens
Another day
Some other way
But not another reason to continue
And now you're one of us
The wretched

The hopes and prays
The better days
The far aways
Forget it

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it did it?
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out the way you wanted it did it?

Now you know
This is what it feels like
Now you know
This is what it feels like

The clouds will part and the sky cracks open
And god himself will reach his ****ing arm
Through
Just to push you down
Just to hold you down
Stuck in this hole with the **** and the piss
And its hard to believe it could come down to this
Back at the beginning
Stinking
Spinning

And in the end
We still pretend
The time we spend
Not knowing when
You're finally free
And you could be

But it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

Now you know
This is what it feels like
Now you know
This is what it feels like

You can try to stop it but it keeps coming
And you can try to stop it but...

The Wretched
-Nine Inch Nails


your post reminded me of this song.
And now I hope I didnt depress the hell out of everyone on Crickets...sorry!

*think happy thoughts! think happy thoughts!

[tomcoldaba]

Originally Posted by Maslow

Paul- Forgive yourself. You can't change the past.

It is sound advice. It is hard to forgive yourself for acts of omission and commission. But the act of forgiveness is good for relief. I write down the maladaptive thoughts or insecurities I feel. Once it is written down, those thoughts go away and new thoughts climb into my minds and I write them down. The beat goes on...

I try to focus on what I can achieve such as I need $XXXK to retire. I focus on that goal.

Good luck Paul. Always enjoy your posts.

[Maslow]

Originally Posted by tomcoldaba

I try to focus on what I can achieve such as I need $XXXK to retire. I focus on that goal.

What will you do when you retire? At this point in my life, I don't think I have enough hobbies to keep me busy if I didn't work. I think eventually I'd like to start another business -- maybe one like Hugh Hefner has.

[Atticus]

Originally Posted by tomcoldaba

It is sound advice. It is hard to forgive yourself for acts of omission and commission. But the act of forgiveness is good for relief. I write down the maladaptive thoughts or insecurities I feel. Once it is written down, those thoughts go away and new thoughts climb into my minds and I write them down. The beat goes on...

I try to focus on what I can achieve such as I need $XXXK to retire. I focus on that goal.

Good luck Paul. Always enjoy your posts.

Thanks. I try to do that, but my ability to stay realistic seems to waver. I can sometimes set goals that are frankly silly. Other times I've set a realistic goal, meaning one I have a chance of achieving, but I select the evidence needed to convince myself that its not achievable.

Then there's the being realistic part. I really have a hard time accepting that some things I want are simply beyond my reach. Narrowing my focus to options that are actually options can be the hardest part.

[Bon]

An old quote, a friend of mine used to use a lot.

How are you going to get where you're going, if you don't know where you're going. Something like that;-)

Modify, modify, modify.

[tomcoldaba]

Originally Posted by Maslow

What will you do when you retire? At this point in my life, I don't think I have enough hobbies to keep me busy if I didn't work. I think eventually I'd like to start another business -- maybe one like Hugh Hefner has.

When I retired, I had planned to spend much time on toastmasters serving as Area Governor or Division Governor. That is my revenge for my SA. If toastmasters is not viable, I will be active in Kiwanis or Lions Club. Someplace I can socialize and make a contribution to the community. Btw there is a lot of politics in these organizations. I guess politics is everywhere.

Or I could take your suggestion of running a similar business as Hugh Hefner. My business name will be Exposure Therapy.

[Jolese]

I'm sure we all have times where we have thoughts that we are not where we want to be in life, sometimes these thoughts come and go, but if they occur frequently or cause significant distress it would probably help the most to more thoroughly understand in which specific ways you feel this way. I know I have found it helpful in the goal setting process to remind myself that I choose whether I will be a success or a failure. Setting exceptionally high goals can work in our favor if we use the huge challenge as a way to really energize and stretch ourselves in the desired direction, or it can be detrimental if we use the high standards to remind ourselves of everything we are lacking to acheive what we want. We have to look for goals that build our sense of competence and that are doable while still keeping that larger vision in mind, atleast that's my tactic.

[Amelia]

Physical exercise has helped me. Outside every day, in the morning and evening. It was a real chore at first, but I gradually got to enjoy it, and now wouldn't miss it. I sleep better too, which cancels out having to get up a little earlier. Though the insecure feelings you describe haven't gone away completely, they're far less than they used to be. The brain isn't working overtime with worry like it used to and I care a lot less what people think. In fact, if I'm honest, most of the time I really couldn't care less what people think any more. I can walk down the street reasonably comfortably now, whereas a few years ago I could hardly leave the house. I would never have thought that taking exercise could have such a positive effect on my state of mind, but it has and I wish I'd started doing it earlier.

Also this, from the SAS spirituality section: viewtopic.php?f=62&t=16622