How's your life going now?

[epril]

Have you been able to work a full time job, have a social life, family, etc., live a stereotypically normal life, even after having SA in your earlier years, or having it now? Have you learned how to cope with it so that you're not as discouraged as some of the younger people on these forums? Can you offer them hope, or is it still a struggle?

[helpless]

At 58, I have never had a "real" job in my life. I have only worked at part time jobs, and, and it has been extremely HAAARRRDDDD (as my mother said that word) to get those jobs, and hold onto them.

I haven't had any social life to speak of since I began to loose my friends in seventh grade.

By the time I was a Senior I had no friends & no social life at all, and none as an adult.

Now those "forlorn rags of growing old," that Jack Kerouac wrote so eloquently about, are ravaging my body & my mind.

The part-time job I work at involves hard physical labor, and causes every part of my body to hurt, and afterwards, I feel horrible.

I was totally insulted when a good friend of mine said, in a disgusted voice, "you should work at a job where you get exercise!"

If there had ever been anyone in my life that could or would have helped me, things might have been a little better for me, occupationally.

Sometimes handicapped people make very good workers at jobs, and I am one of them.

I would say that to the younger generation, the fact that we have this SAS board, certainly makes things better than they were when I was growing up decades ago.

As far as professional therapists, I don't think there's much they can do to help people like us, and I don't think they are much more interested in SA than they were back in the 1970s when I finally learned that what was wrong with me was then called, "Social Inadequacy."

Unlike addictions, adultery, and similar problems, SA is a relatively rare problem, and there probably aren't enough SAs for pro therapists to think there would be much money made trying to treat people like us.

Of course, SAs often do have problems like addictions & adultery, and do get help, but if you have SA only, your chances of getting any help are Slim and None.

To today's youngsters, I'm decades older than you, but, if this board had been around back in the 1960s & 1970s, I'd be saying, "those peoples' stories sound exactly like my own sad life story!"

And, I'm still saying that when I read one sad story after another on this board.

So, you younger SAs, be glad you can communicate with others with the same affliction, something I did not have when I was your age.

Maybe your chances of getting help and / or making changes in your life will be better than mine were at your age, because of this board.

[Trucker]

sucks ***

[UltraShy]

Originally Posted by epril

Have you been able to work a full time job, have a social life, family...

No, no, and no.

Job: I've done nothing at all since college -- 14 years ago.

Social life: don't have one of them and never really did.

Family: no wife, no kids, no girlfriend, never really had a true girlfriend ever.

[rubyruby]

I have had jobs since I was 16. I went to college and graduated. I held one government job 5 years and another for 20 years (clerical position).

I had friends when I was in grade school, high school and college. I did not keep up relationships as I got older (a mistake) and presently do not have a lot of friends.

My advice would be:

- if you cannot hold down a job or have relationships get on a medication like Paxil or a benzo and don't feel bad about it.

- take a CBT course and learn how to assert yourself or you will get eaten alive in the workplace

[Marci07]

I've had SAD since I can remember. For some periods of my life it wasn't that bad at all, like high school. These were my best years as far as being social is concerned.

I'm 35 now and not having an exciting weekend still bothers me but doesn't get me down as it used to. I've come to terms about it as I get older and it doesn't cause me to feel depressed anymore.

[Amelia]

I cope by keeping my expectations low and having very little interaction with other people. Having a job helps and I'm very grateful for that, but the point rubyruby makes about having trouble in the workplace is something I can relate to. I am in a vicious cycle of being very isolated, realizing that I should get involved with other people but not really wanting to. It's not a proper life and I don't want to look too far ahead.

[EremitaGermanus]

Have you been able

-to work a full time job:
For 15 years but with terrible initial difficulties. Now I have great co-workers who make socializing at work easy for me. But they also accept my inhibitions.

-to have a social life:
Limited. I don't go for a "night out" and such but I have a hobby that "forces" me to leave my daily after work routine once a week. I visit my counselor once a week but she and her partner have rather become good acquaintances to me. I visit language courses and go to the library. I very rarely go to cultural events but I try to every now and then.

-to have a family, etc.:
I have my mother and we're a great team. I've moved back home several years ago after living alone for 10 years. Family broke apart centuries ago and we've been on our own for 20 years now. Despite its difficulties we learnt to enjoy our independence and know how to fight our way through if we have to.

-to live a stereotypically normal life:
What is normal?

-Have you learned how to cope with it so that you're not as discouraged as some of the younger people on these forums?
I developed good coping methods over the years and I'm quite content with myself at the moment.

-Can you offer them hope, or is it still a struggle?
It is still a struggle but I also have great moments and I enjoy life and sometimes everything sux. You have to be realistic about yourself and your goals in life. Somethings you have to bid good bye to, to open your eyes and mind to other things that can be good substitutes.

[moxosis]

Have you been able to work a full time job? I had for the last 2 years a job that I lost in january.
have a social life? no social life at all.
Family? I wish I had a family.
The only hope I can give the younger people is get help now because my social anxiety is worse now because of years of isolation.

[secretlyshecries]

Why do people always make it sound like you have it so much easier if you're young with SA? I think I'd be able to do more about it if I was older and living on my own. I feel like I can't admit to having SA because I have a family (who I live with and depend on) who will think I'm just making excuses for not working and all the rest of it. If I was older and living on my own, I feel like it would be easier for me to seek help because I wouldn't have to worry about people knowing (my family) and I could drive myself to counselling (I don't drive, or am learning) and make more of an effort. Being dependent on other people just makes it difficult.

That said, my life is going... okay. Now that I've been forced to do work for the dole, I feel anxious a lot more but I guess it's kind of like exposure therapy.

[sprout]

deleted

[SunnySkies]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I figured a good way to introduce myself would be to answer some questions. So here goes...

Have you been able to...

Work a full time job? Yes. I finished college at 27 and have worked at the same job, in the same department (RN in a hospital) since then.

Have a social life? Not really. I don't have any friends. I have some acquaintances at work who I feel more comfortable speaking with and occasionally opening up to a bit, but I never see them outside of work. I do get out socially on the rare occasion, to a family get-together (my husband has a large extended family) and to kids' birthday parties and school functions mainly.

Have a family? Yes. I met my husband and soul mate online when I was 24 and married him 3 years later. We have 2 children. We do many things as a family but very rarely socialize with others. While less shy than I am, he is introverted and a homebody and is happy that way. It takes the pressure off me.

Live a stereotypically normal life? I would say so, as much as any one person's life can be stereotypically normal.

Learn to cope? Yes and no. I cope, we all do, however it's not always in the best or most healthy of ways. Life and the people in it are always changing. The way we cope must change, as well. The past few years, I've felt like I've been moving backwards. So I started on medication for the first time and I've gone back to counseling. It's helped me a lot. I know I will always struggle with SA to one degree or another and that's OK. As long as I'm making an effort to improve myself, to be the best I can be, and as long as I'm learning and growing, I consider my life a success. It's a process. We need to be kind to ourselves and to celebrate our victories, however small. And avoid comparing ourselves to others or where we think we should be in life. (Yeah, this medication really helps. LOL)

Is there hope? Absolutely, YES! I have come so far from where I was when I was 19 and 20. I have good days and bad days. I still run away whenever I hear the doorbell ring. I spent 3 days this week without leaving the house (Yeah, THAT was healthy!). But today I took the kids and ran a bunch of errands. It was a good day. And there are plenty more of those!!

Nice to meet you all.

[epril]

Originally Posted by SunnySkies

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I figured a good way to introduce myself would be to answer some questions. So here goes...

Have you been able to...

Work a full time job? Yes. I finished college at 27 and have worked at the same job, in the same department (RN in a hospital) since then.

Have a social life? Not really. I don't have any friends. I have some acquaintances at work who I feel more comfortable speaking with and occasionally opening up to a bit, but I never see them outside of work. I do get out socially on the rare occasion, to a family get-together (my husband has a large extended family) and to kids' birthday parties and school functions mainly.

Have a family? Yes. I met my husband and soul mate online when I was 24 and married him 3 years later. We have 2 children. We do many things as a family but very rarely socialize with others. While less shy than I am, he is introverted and a homebody and is happy that way. It takes the pressure off me.

Live a stereotypically normal life? I would say so, as much as any one person's life can be stereotypically normal.

Learn to cope? Yes and no. I cope, we all do, however it's not always in the best or most healthy of ways. Life and the people in it are always changing. The way we cope must change, as well. The past few years, I've felt like I've been moving backwards. So I started on medication for the first time and I've gone back to counseling. It's helped me a lot. I know I will always struggle with SA to one degree or another and that's OK. As long as I'm making an effort to improve myself, to be the best I can be, and as long as I'm learning and growing, I consider my life a success. It's a process. We need to be kind to ourselves and to celebrate our victories, however small. And avoid comparing ourselves to others or where we think we should be in life. (Yeah, this medication really helps. LOL)

Is there hope? Absolutely, YES! I have come so far from where I was when I was 19 and 20. I have good days and bad days. I still run away whenever I hear the doorbell ring. I spent 3 days this week without leaving the house (Yeah, THAT was healthy!). But today I took the kids and ran a bunch of errands. It was a good day. And there are plenty more of those!!

Nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you too, welcome!

[Neptunus]

I have a job, but barely make ends meet... and I have mega student loans.

Have my immediate family, but no boyfriend. It's been a lot longer than I'd like.

No one I'd call a good friend at this point. I'd say I'm the most alone I've EVER been.

Life is really, REALLY hard... but all I can do is forge on, and hope for the best.

[Neptunus]

Originally Posted by secretlyshecries

Why do people always make it sound like you have it so much easier if you're young with SA? I think I'd be able to do more about it if I was older and living on my own. I feel like I can't admit to having SA because I have a family (who I live with and depend on) who will think I'm just making excuses for not working and all the rest of it. If I was older and living on my own, I feel like it would be easier for me to seek help because I wouldn't have to worry about people knowing (my family) and I could drive myself to counselling (I don't drive, or am learning) and make more of an effort. Being dependent on other people just makes it difficult.

That said, my life is going... okay. Now that I've been forced to do work for the dole, I feel anxious a lot more but I guess it's kind of like exposure therapy.

Only easier in that you have more time to fix your life - you actually know what you have at such a young age. Plus, just as little as ten years ago, few therapists knew of SA. Today, there are many more opportunities - different treatment options, forums, medications, and more awareness etc. Doesn't make your troubles any less, but the odds of doing "more" with your life better.

[calmncool]

I have been employed full time since my late teens. I have a few friends. Yes, life is still a struggle at times - but that's life. My advice to anyone is this: you only live once. There are no second's, no do-overs. So live! Make the choice to live. Yes, it is a choice. The alternative is really not an alternative.

Also set small daily goals and work to achieve them and never compare yourself to anyone else. Set big goals and never stop trying....

To the young people: Get help, do the best you can, and never use it as an excuse.

[EagerMinnow84]

It was pretty terrible only a few months ago when I got, unfairly I might add, laid off from my job (long story). After putting things in perspective and seeing that this was, indeed, for the best, I started to feel a lot better. Not working is certainly better than working in an extremely toxic environment. I have been trying to take more chances lately which is making me feel like I am actually living now. So, I guess it is going better than it was a few months ago.

[Ospi]

Things have been going brilliantly lately.

In 12 months I have gone from being a recluse, failing uni subjects, working the same 6 hours a week at a plant nursery and never being kissed in my life to going out each weekend, graduating uni, working in an aerospace company, working in Malaysia developing a racing car alongside the best in the business and having an ex gf and generally having more success with the opposite sex (though I still struggle here).

Did it all just happen on its own? No.

All about hard work and a will to improve. If I can do it, anyone here can!

[EremitaGermanus]

Originally Posted by Ospi

Things have been going brilliantly lately.

In 12 months I have gone from being a recluse, failing uni subjects, working the same 6 hours a week at a plant nursery and never being kissed in my life to going out each weekend, graduating uni, working in an aerospace company, working in Malaysia developing a racing car alongside the best in the business and having an ex gf and generally having more success with the opposite sex (though I still struggle here).

Did it all just happen on its own? No.

All about hard work and a will to improve. If I can do it, anyone here can!

It kind of would help if you also shared HOW you achieved all that!

[Ospi]

Originally Posted by EremitaGermanus

It kind of would help if you also shared HOW you achieved all that!

Well for my specific type of anxiety the key was exposure alongside meds. Meds enabled me to seek professional help which led to exposure therapy such as gradually edging my way into situations I was uncomfortable with and making sure I only progressed onto the next step after I became comfortable with the step previous to it.

Jumping straight into the deep end did not work for me and actually made it worse so this was the best method for me. However everyones SA is different so whether or not it would work for others is not for me to say, but it may be worth a shot.