How does your spouse feel about your SA?

[sickofshyness]

How do your spouses feel about your SA? Do they know you have SA? Do they understand? Do they ever not understand?

I told my spouse that I needed to go to therapy because of being shy (which he did know I was rather shy), and I told him that my shyness caused me to loose my job. He does not understand anxiety at all. He thinks I'm crazy to feel that scared.

Do they know you go on this website?

[xTaylor]

Well not my spouse yet, but my boyfriend of 3 years understands sometimes but usually doesn't understand how difficult it can be to force myself into social situations. He knows I go on this website I let him read all my posts. He thinks I don't have sa though and that I'm just trying to have something wrong with me.

[odd_one_out]

I've had serious relationships and lived with someone but only "in sin" because marriage isn't for me. I'm replying to increase your sample size because few members have spouses.

I was thoroughly open about SAD. 2/3 partners understood and were very supportive. The one who didn't get it wasn't a nice person anyway. I'd never go back to being with anyone who didn't understand now I've received complete acceptance of these conditions and exceptional degrees of support.

Yes they knew/know I come here. Provide reading material for your spouse on SAD. Mine (and in one case, her parents) read up on my conditions and it helps.

[dinkydawnie]

I have quite severe SA also severe anxiety & panic attacks. I've been married now for 10years been with my husband 15yrs & in all honesty he's NEVER understood & I don't think until he suffered from it himself never will.

[Kon]

She knows about everything. Supportive, yes. Understanding, somewhat. I don't think full understanding is possible. I can't understand her behaviour either. But without her help, I'd be in more trouble (economically and career-wise, at least). To be honest, I can't understand why anybody likes social interaction. I get virtually no pleasure from it, except for meeting basic needs. I've tried to tell this to people but they get really angry at me, like I'm doing/saying something wrong. I even hate when my friend calls me, unless it's to do something I enjoy. Sitting around talking or socializing for its own sake, isn't it. He seems to get pleasure about talking about "nothing". I never call him or pretty well anyone, unless it's absolutely necessary or someone forces me. And this isn't an anxiety issue.

[komorikun]

My ex-boyfriends called me anti-social and thought I was rude for not wanting to hang out with their friends and family. They were partially right. I am stubborn and if I don't want to do something, I REALLY don't want to do it. They didn't seem to bothered by the fact that I have almost no friends though.

[LynnNBoys]

I haven't come out and said the words social anxiety to him. And to be honest, there are many things I'm fine with, it's just certain things I get panic attacks about.

When we met in college, I was quiet but didn't have the anxiety I have now. Even in my 20s, I was mostly okay. We were engaged at 25, married at 27. I worked full-time throughout all my 20s.

It wasn't until I had kids and worked at home, that I became so isolated and my anxiety increased. Part of the isolation and anxiety is also from getting a bit disconnected from hubby. We did have a heart to heart a year or so ago. He seemed to realize that I needed to get back to work outside the home (I freelance at home) to have the social interactions. At the time he was very supportive and seemed to understand a little bit, without putting any labels on it. Now he is more stressed about work and more focused on his own unhappiness about work to show any understanding about my anxiety. And his work stress his more important than my anxiety because he makes more money (the feeling I get from him much of the time, he has never said this). I think he gets frustrated by my actions (or lack there of), seeing it as lazy rather than frozen in fear and panic-attack inducing.

[RawrJessiRawr]

My bf knows I come on here and about my SA, it frustrates him at times but tries to understand it as best as he can.

[Pandemic]

I've had two serious relationships in the past two years. The first was really supportive and interested in hearing my experiences and trying to help. He then ended up self-diagnosing himself with SA.
The person I'm with now is understanding but also enabling.
If I feel like I can't go to something he just accepts it without encouraging me, which makes me think that he'd rather not have me go out with him or meet his friends.

[sickofshyness]

Yes they knew/know I come here. Provide reading material for your spouse on SAD. Mine (and in one case, her parents) read up on my conditions and it helps.[/QUOTE]


Thank you everyone for your responses. I guess I can't expect him to understand and I guess I don't understand everything he does either. He does try to be supportive sometimes. He just doesn't get it. So basically we don't talk about it.

Maybe I should let him read up on SA, so he can have a little bit of an idea of what it is like.

Lynn, I never called it /sa either-just shyness. I don't know if I want to tell him and let him read about it.

Thank you everyone-I at least feel like I'm not all alone.
Thank you.

[littlemisshy]

Originally Posted by dinkydawnie

I have quite severe SA also severe anxiety & panic attacks. I've been married now for 10years been with my husband 15yrs & in all honesty he's NEVER understood & I don't think until he suffered from it himself never will.

My husband too:-( We've also been together for over 15 yrs and he still comes out with comments that show he still doesnt understand. Its fustrating and upsetting knowing that the one person who should support you is pretty unsupportive :-(

[sickofshyness]

Originally Posted by littlemisshy

My husband too:-( We've also been together for over 15 yrs and he still comes out with comments that show he still doesnt understand. Its fustrating and upsetting knowing that the one person who should support you is pretty unsupportive :-(

I've been married 17 years. I had Sa but didn't know what to call it.
Recently, I tried to explain the anxiety and he basically thinks I'm crazy if I feel that scared.

[SweetNSour82]

Originally Posted by littlemisshy

My husband too:-( We've also been together for over 15 yrs and he still comes out with comments that show he still doesnt understand. Its fustrating and upsetting knowing that the one person who should support you is pretty unsupportive :-(

Same boat, been married for 10 years. He doesn't understand, and can be quite negative about it which doesn't help.

[Scrumpilump2000]

No spouse for me. I would like a partner but I guess it's the social anxiety (and all the rest of my neurotic hang-ups) that prevents it. So, if you're married I say "well, you've got what I want!" But it doesn't work that way. As is said, "don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides." The grass SEEMS greener on the other side. And from my end, I project a great deal onto the feminine "other" who, some day, is going to enter my life and help me out and understand me. Well, clearly, no! Or at least not at the fantasy level of my expectations.

[saevans75]

Originally Posted by littlemisshy

My husband too:-( We've also been together for over 15 yrs and he still comes out with comments that show he still doesnt understand. Its fustrating and upsetting knowing that the one person who should support you is pretty unsupportive :-(

I totally understand. I've been married for ten years and my husband really isn't very supportive. He is more concerned with how my difficulty socializing is interrupting his life. Those of you out there with supportive spouses, consider yourselves lucky.

[stargazer8]

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I'll say I'm scared of going out or I'm afraid of doing this or that and my husband's like "what are you scared of?" He doesn't understand that it can be terrifying to go out and deal with others. He's like you're not using the correct word, what's to be afraid of? I tell him I'm using exactly the right words.

But he still tries to be supportive and he's thrilled that I come here to talk to others with the same issues. Shy people tend to over analyze everything they do or say and everything others do or say. They can get stuck in their heads. It can be damaging. It can cause you to lose stability and lose your job.

That's great that you're in therapy for it. I'm in therapy too.

[Bon]

He knew I had issues going in......He would then chastise me for having difficulties making phone calls........I allowed him to make me feel less than........

[cham56]

My long time spouse knows about it, but not the full extent. I can be chatty to someone if he is nearby. It's when I am at the workplace I struggle. I freeze, I blush, my nervousness is obvious. He is a crutch when I am with him. After all these years, I am just noticing he is more anti social than I. I think he has some social anxiety issues too, but just won't admit it. I have no problem admitting it.

[Beanstalk]

My wife will help me with some phone calls if I'm having a day where I just can't do the telephone, but that's about it.
More often, she finds it frustrating. We've been married nearly 20 years, and the whole marriage isn't going so well, be honest.
The more I think about it, the SA is a big factor in why it isn't working.
I think we're probably headed for a breakup, and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about it.

[ausbby]

Originally Posted by Beanstalk

My wife will help me with some phone calls if I'm having a day where I just can't do the telephone, but that's about it.
More often, she finds it frustrating. We've been married nearly 20 years, and the whole marriage isn't going so well, be honest.
The more I think about it, the SA is a big factor in why it isn't working.
I think we're probably headed for a breakup, and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about it.

I understand, I am unhappy in my marrage as well. It is difficult not having anyone to talk to. My husband doesn't get SA at all. He views it as some annoying thing that I can turn on and off. He gets angry if I don't want to ask a stranger a question or make a phone call.