How do you deal with being an introvert?

[LostPancake]

So I'm 40, and kind of at a crossroads, trying to decide if I should pursue grad school and some kind of career in psychology, or just go live in the country and grow my own food.

I know it's possible to psych yourself into dealing with people through CBT, as I did that when I was younger, but I either had too high expectations for how social I would be or my natural introversion just got sick of dealing with people.

Thinking ahead of grad school and dealing with all these people just makes me feel so tired.

If you're an introvert, how do you deal with it? Is it possible to actually be a part of society (especially in the US!) and be happy?

I've done programming in the past, but even that was too much social interaction for me - even when I tried just selling a program online - dealing with the users and everything just drained all my energy.

[lilly]

I think you should do whatever you want to do. It's hard when you're an introvert. The thing is often when you can't make up your mind you could possibly try one then if you can't cope or don't like it go back to the other idea.

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by lilly

I think you should do whatever you want to do. It's hard when you're an introvert. The thing is often when you can't make up your mind you could possibly try one then if you can't cope or don't like it go back to the other idea.

Thanks for your reply - I just started therapy actually, and it's already kind of changed my outlook on things. CBT seems kind of exhausting to me, cause it's a little like brainwashing, without dealing with the underlying issues or limitations you might have (like introversion). Although that might depend on the therapist also. But I'm trying psychodynamic therapy, which tries to get more to the root causes of things, like repression of emotions. I mean, if you're repressing all your emotions, you're going to have weird interactions with people, and it will probably lead to SA. So I'm more hopeful that I'll be able to feel more like a normal person and be able to handle grad school in the near future.

[bear]

maybe take a trip somewhere and when you get back you might have a clearer perspective about what it is you want.

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by bear

maybe take a trip somewhere and when you get back you might have a clearer perspective about what it is you want.

Thanks for the suggestion bear - I seem to have gotten burned out on trips though from when I was younger and drove all around the US. It often wound up depressing me cause you always see other cars with couples in them, and I envied them so much. And camping anywhere, same thing. And on hiking trails also. Grr. I figured I'd just save traveling until I had someone else to do it with. And maybe a van so you wouldn't have to pay for camping or a motel every single night. It's so ridiculous to have to pay all this money just to sleep somewhere, when there's so much empty space in this country!

I do think I'm going to try grad school though. Probably just aim for a masters first.

[bear]

Originally Posted by LostPancake

Thanks for the suggestion bear - I seem to have gotten burned out on trips though from when I was younger and drove all around the US. It often wound up depressing me cause you always see other cars with couples in them, and I envied them so much. And camping anywhere, same thing. And on hiking trails also. Grr. I figured I'd just save traveling until I had someone else to do it with. And maybe a van so you wouldn't have to pay for camping or a motel every single night. It's so ridiculous to have to pay all this money just to sleep somewhere, when there's so much empty space in this country!

I do think I'm going to try grad school though. Probably just aim for a masters first.

Yeah, there are a lot of annoying parts to traveling as you mentioned. I guess what I meant was for me, sometimes just to get away for a weekend or a few days helps me see my situation back home a little more clearly. Sometimes I see things that I didn't see before when I'm up against a contrast or in an unfamiliar environment. Anyway, getting off topic, that's good you know. I'm going back to school this fall and dreading it too. In fact, I feel tired just thinking about it. Stress is a beautiful thing.

[climbingupthewall]

What's up lost pancake? It sounds like you are on the road to recovery with CBT. I really can't offer anything better than they could but I wouldn't just head to the countryside and give up. How are you going to get a girl like that? Would you recommend the therapy that you're receiving now? How did you choose the therapist? I have just had so many fruitless and frustrating experiencing with the mental health system...ick!

[Alone42Long]

Hey LostPancake. I'm 40 also and was into programming for a couple decades.
Software mostly from 1980 to mid 90's then websites thru early 2000's.
Had the same discomfort dealing with customers online.

Also when I see couples when driving or hear song after song or show after show of couples it makes me sad. Like (I believe) the movie Better off Dead although it could be a diff. one. Where he loses the girlfriend and is driving and every song is a love song till he rips the car radio out & throws it out the window where it's run over by a car.

I'm sorry I don't having anything helpful for your situation but am interested in the responses you recieve.

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by bear

Yeah, there are a lot of annoying parts to traveling as you mentioned. I guess what I meant was for me, sometimes just to get away for a weekend or a few days helps me see my situation back home a little more clearly. Sometimes I see things that I didn't see before when I'm up against a contrast or in an unfamiliar environment. Anyway, getting off topic, that's good you know. I'm going back to school this fall and dreading it too. In fact, I feel tired just thinking about it. Stress is a beautiful thing.

Yeah, I was just confused if being introverted was going to make having a career too difficult. But my therapist kind of reminded me that you can be confident and still be an introvert. We shall see, I suppose...

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by climbingupthewall

What's up lost pancake? It sounds like you are on the road to recovery with CBT. I really can't offer anything better than they could but I wouldn't just head to the countryside and give up. How are you going to get a girl like that? Would you recommend the therapy that you're receiving now? How did you choose the therapist? I have just had so many fruitless and frustrating experiencing with the mental health system...ick!

Hey, climbingupthewall, yeah there would certainly be fewer girls out in the country. But there's still the internet

Yeah, it's hard finding a good therapist. I tried several over the years but only really clicked with one, 20 years ago. So this time I decided not to just leave it to chance and spent a loooong time trying to pick one out. This site seemed to be the main directory for the US - http://therapists.psychologytoday.co...rof_search.php

So I made a spreadsheet and added the ones I liked, with stuff like cost, specialties (anxiety/depression), orientation (eg cbt, psychodynamic, etc), etc. And I kind of worked on it over several months, adding more gradually, rating them, etc. (there were a LOT for my town - must be a lot of unhappy people here ). And also there are pictures of them on that site, so you can sort of guess how you might get along with them. Dunno how accurate it is, but it helped to narrow them down.

Also I was researching the different types of treatment. Like I didn't know that what I had done 20 years ago was CBT, didn't know anything about the underlying theory, etc.

So that was how I picked this one - she knows CBT but does more psychodynamic stuff, so that appealed to me. Cause I wanted to try that out for a while, and have CBT to fall back on if it didn't help. But so far it's been reeally interesting.

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by Alone42Long

Hey LostPancake. I'm 40 also and was into programming for a couple decades.
Software mostly from 1980 to mid 90's then websites thru early 2000's.
Had the same discomfort dealing with customers online.

Also when I see couples when driving or hear song after song or show after show of couples it makes me sad. Like (I believe) the movie Better off Dead although it could be a diff. one. Where he loses the girlfriend and is driving and every song is a love song till he rips the car radio out & throws it out the window where it's run over by a car.

I'm sorry I don't having anything helpful for your situation but am interested in the responses you recieve.

Hey Alone42Long, good to meet another (ex) programmer . I'm actually in school now for computer science, cause I felt like I'd missed a lot of stuff, not having been to school for it. But I might try and do grad school in psychology, cause that's what I'd most like to do research in...

Heh, that movie sounds good.

[Girl_Loner]

This is kinda off-topic and I hope it doesnt offend
but I just wanted to say I find it very inspirational that you are 40
and seeking help. I can't find the right words right now but I wish you all the best! In either choice you decide

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by Loner_Girl

This is kinda off-topic and I hope it doesnt offend
but I just wanted to say I find it very inspirational that you are 40
and seeking help. I can't find the right words right now but I wish you all the best! In either choice you decide

Aw, thanks LonerGirl, that's really nice of you to say. I think the last 15 years I've been really confused as to if I'm just an introvert and should learn to live with it or if it's something you can actually do something about. And it's all tangled up with SA, which I'd never really looked into, for some reason, until recently. So I was trying to figure it all on my own and just going in circles...

I guess that's a sign you need therapy, going in circles for months and months on end. Or was it years?

[Delacroix]

Hey LostPancake, I'm writing this a little after the fact, but I'm 39, in a job that I find mostly uninspiring, and frequently anxiety-provoking because of the volume of contact with co-workers and vendors. I google "social anxiety dream job" just about every day. (actually never those exact words, but certainly words to that effect.) I'm convinced there is something out there better for me.

I actually got a master's degree in social psychology. I think (like I'm sure many here) psychology is fascinating, and have felt this way as long as I've known that such a field existed. The reality of studying it in school did not live up to my expectations, and I do actually blame my social anxiety for my personal unfullfillment. I expected grad school to be this high-minded intellectual arena with an active discussion of theories, hyptotheses, etc, but really what it turned out to be for me was I got to do research on a topic that I didn't give a crap about (because I was not assertive enough to say "This bores me to tears!") and I got to spend more time than I'm sure all of the other TA's reading and grading undergraduate papers because, once again, I did not have the self-confidence to say to the professor I was assigned to, "Hey, I put in my 15 hours this week, I got my own stuff to do!"

So if you do go back to school, make sure that you are prepared to stand up for yourself, and go after what you want.

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by Delacroix

Hey LostPancake, I'm writing this a little after the fact, but I'm 39, in a job that I find mostly uninspiring, and frequently anxiety-provoking because of the volume of contact with co-workers and vendors. I google "social anxiety dream job" just about every day. (actually never those exact words, but certainly words to that effect.) I'm convinced there is something out there better for me.

I actually got a master's degree in social psychology. I think (like I'm sure many here) psychology is fascinating, and have felt this way as long as I've known that such a field existed. The reality of studying it in school did not live up to my expectations, and I do actually blame my social anxiety for my personal unfullfillment. I expected grad school to be this high-minded intellectual arena with an active discussion of theories, hyptotheses, etc, but really what it turned out to be for me was I got to do research on a topic that I didn't give a crap about (because I was not assertive enough to say "This bores me to tears!") and I got to spend more time than I'm sure all of the other TA's reading and grading undergraduate papers because, once again, I did not have the self-confidence to say to the professor I was assigned to, "Hey, I put in my 15 hours this week, I got my own stuff to do!"

So if you do go back to school, make sure that you are prepared to stand up for yourself, and go after what you want.

Hey thanks for the advice, Delacroix - I've worried about that sort of thing happening to me also - it's certainly happened in other jobs I've had. And I recently had to do a paper in the intro psych class, and found it kind of boring - I'd wanted to write about the different models underlying some treatments for SA, but she wanted us to summarize papers in terms of research methodologies and analyses. That's really not what I want to study - I should have talked to her and asked if I could do a different sort of paper, but I didn't want to cause too much trouble. bleh. I'll really have to work on that before I get into grad school.

And on the one hand, I have some specific things in mind that I'd want to research (SA!), but it might make it harder to get into grad school or find an advisor, as they might just want someone that will help them with their research interests. Plus there's the whole issue of funding - but maybe SA is growing to a big enough problem that there would be some funding available for studying it.

And I'll probably wind up trying to get into Cognitive Science rather than Psychology - it seems to be more into building models of what's going on in the brain, which is what I'm really interested in.

And with that said, don't let your age stop you from going back to school and trying to get into the field that you really want to work in! I wound up going back to school mainly because without a real passion for what I was doing, I couldn't get up the energy to overcome all the problems I had dealing with people, and just wound up increasingly drained of energy and depressed. It all just seemed so meaningless. But SA contributed a lot to that, because without much in the way of human relationships, I was unfortunately relying on my job to supply meaning, which it definitely wasn't!

[reify]

I know exactly what you mean, LostPancake. A few years ago, I applied for a job that was... how to describe quickly... a team leader/mentor of a group of 18-24 yr olds who lived together for a year and did different volunteer work (Americorps NCCC). I was a regular group member and had asked my team leader if she would feel comfortable recommending me, and she had said sure. I didn't get the job; it took everything I had (seemed like), but I held back tears and asked the "what can I do to improve (what's wrong with *me*!?)" question, and was told that my team leader had said I didn't have the social skills to do the job.

This was a huge shock to me (on a couple levels), but perhaps not as much of a shock as I would have liked (if that makes sense...). I always knew that I was "shy", I suppose, but it had never occurred to me that other people would see it as... well, a bad thing I guess.

One more step towards Admitting I Have a Problem, Accepting, and Moving On. Maybe.

A couple years of serious soul-searching later....

I'm going to start a Masters of Social Work program this fall, and the memory of that rejection is probably the biggest thing that is holding me back. I'm really nervous about the fact that I was fairly convinced that I was qualified before (even though it was perhaps obvious to others that I wasn't), so what makes me so sure I'm qualified now?

I went back and forth on the issue for months, and finally I decided, f*** it. This is what I want, and I'm not going to let anyone, especially myself, tell me that I can't do it.

The application essay asked about characteristics that would interfere with my abilities as a social worker. I didn't spill the whole can of worms, but I did talk a little about my quietude, difficulties I had with talking to people, and the (kindof bullsh*t, but I really truly hope it's true) idea that this would actually be an advantage, give me special insight, since some people in need of a social worker's help may have SA, too, etc etc.

So. Um. I haven't actually done it yet, so I have nothing, no advice on how to do it, except to say that once I decided to go for it, I felt so amazing! And against all odds, was accepted into the program (which felt especially wonderful since I was (a little bit) honest about my anxiety). I may fail horribly, and maybe you will, too, but I say f*** it. I would rather fail at something I love than succeed at something I hate (hmm that sounded more profound in my head). You should go for it, you will probably surprise yourself!

[LostPancake]

Originally Posted by reify

A few years ago, I applied for a job that was... how to describe quickly... a team leader/mentor of a group of 18-24 yr olds who lived together for a year and did different volunteer work (Americorps NCCC). was told that my team leader had said I didn't have the social skills to do the job.
I'm going to start a Masters of Social Work program this fall, and the memory of that rejection is probably the biggest thing that is holding me back. I'm really nervous about the fact that I was fairly convinced that I was qualified before (even though it was perhaps obvious to others that I wasn't), so what makes me so sure I'm qualified now?

The application essay asked about characteristics that would interfere with my abilities as a social worker. I didn't spill the whole can of worms, but I did talk a little about my quietude, difficulties I had with talking to people, and the (kindof bullsh*t, but I really truly hope it's true) idea that this would actually be an advantage, give me special insight, since some people in need of a social worker's help may have SA, too, etc etc.

So. Um. I haven't actually done it yet, so I have nothing, no advice on how to do it, except to say that once I decided to go for it, I felt so amazing! And against all odds, was accepted into the program (which felt especially wonderful since I was (a little bit) honest about my anxiety). I may fail horribly, and maybe you will, too, but I say f*** it. I would rather fail at something I love than succeed at something I hate (hmm that sounded more profound in my head). You should go for it, you will probably surprise yourself!

Wow, being a leader of a group of people would require a high level of confidence and extroversion, and leadership qualities are probably kind of hard to find in people - I wouldn't take it too hard if you didn't get that position! But I can understand how it might have made you less confident in applying for other things. But I imagine for social work, those qualities are less important - being able to listen well and have empathy for clients is probably a lot more important. Of the various therapists I've tried over the years, it's the ones that I felt like could actually understand where I was coming from that I liked the most - if they were too confident I couldn't bring myself to confide in them! So anyway, congrats on getting into the program you wanted, that's great!

I don't know how it'll work out for me - most people in research departments tend to be fairly confident and accomplished people, it can be kind of intimidating to someone like me who has had a more unfocused life due to SA and depression. But hopefully over the next few months I'll get to feeling more confident about it.

Thanks for the encouragement though - maybe you're right - it's better to try and fail than not even try, especially when the payoff is potentially so big!

[Pam]

LostPancake, Hi I am also 40 and want to go to grad school. I got my Bachelor's in Psychology 10 yrs ago, but because my SA was so bad didn't apply. I couldn't "network" with teachers to get references for school, couldn't "volunteer" to help with some research going on at the University, and had no extra-curricular anything....All I had/have is my 3.86 GPA...

I want to "do therapy" & I heard the fastest way to get there is to get a Masters in Social Work. Unlike you I guess, I'm not interested in doing any research.

I am just now getting interested in CBT. I have always been against it-thought it was bullcrap. But recently I read something in a what I used to refer to as one of those dumb-self-help-books-that-the-person-only-wrote-to-make-a-quick-buck-and-doesn't-actually-help-anyone-books. I read something that has caused a big, and so far, lasting, change in me. (the topic was approval addiction in Feeling Good by Burns.)

In the past I have gone through psychodynamic, object-relations, humanistic, eclectic type therapies, and although I think both therapists I saw failed with me, I believe the depth therapies are great. In psychodynamic you do most of the work and talking anyway, so despite the therapists failing with me, I still made some progress all by myself. Ever since I was about 12 I've been analyzing everything about my life and childhood and I swear I know everything there is to know about myself. (I'm exaggerating, but...)

Sorry this is so long. You seem like you are interested in the CBT & psychodynamic in the opposite order as me. I just think that's interesting. They are both very important, in my opinion, and they really should be combined somehow in a person's long-term treatment plan.

To your original question of how to deal with being an introvert--my better therapist said to me repeatedly, "You just have to find your niche." Sounds like that's what you're looking for.

[Delacroix]

Originally Posted by reify

I may fail horribly, and maybe you will, too, but I say f*** it. I would rather fail at something I love than succeed at something I hate (hmm that sounded more profound in my head). You should go for it, you will probably surprise yourself!

Well put. I actually was moved to tears reading that! Oh my God, it's so true, there still is satisfaction in failing at something you love, while "success" at something you hate still leaves you feeling empty.

[shygirl14]

Originally Posted by LostPancake

So I'm 40, and kind of at a crossroads, trying to decide if I should pursue grad school and some kind of career in psychology, or just go live in the country and grow my own food.

I know it's possible to psych yourself into dealing with people through CBT, as I did that when I was younger, but I either had too high expectations for how social I would be or my natural introversion just got sick of dealing with people.

Thinking ahead of grad school and dealing with all these people just makes me feel so tired.

If you're an introvert, how do you deal with it? Is it possible to actually be a part of society (especially in the US!) and be happy?

I've done programming in the past, but even that was too much social interaction for me - even when I tried just selling a program online - dealing with the users and everything just drained all my energy.

I'm 41, and back in college(online) getting my BA. I think if you really want to do something then go for it. I know this probably don't help much, thought I share and know your not alone.