Social Anxiety Support

kelso · 10-26-2008, 03:49 AM

I am closer to 60 then 50 and if I think I am going to be SA free I am kidding myself.
BUT I have learnt to deal with it much like a diabetic or epileptic or someone with a transplant - you must do the best you can with what you've got where you are.
We can, as elders, give advice and hope to our young ones who seem to be more plagued with this then us.
What are your thoughts?

EremitaGermanus · 10-26-2008, 04:49 AM

My concern is that "younger" people tend to not take advice from "older" people.
It is in the nature of things.

Hot Chocolate · 10-26-2008, 06:53 AM

Right now, I am sort of trying to pick up my life that was ravaged by my SA. It is hard because I did not take a lot of hardships and always been in my comfort zone like almost forever. What can I do now? Take things slowly that is.

justpassinby · 10-26-2008, 09:34 AM

I've learned that socializing is something I don't want to do, but have to do. It's accepted. I grit my teeth through it and then thoroughly enjoy my downtime that much more.

Atticus · 10-26-2008, 07:59 PM

A lot of things seemed worse at 21 than they do at 51. SA especially. I tend to think I'm better than I was then, though some of what I see as improvement may just be something like acceptance. And then again, maybe acceptance is improvement.

Woody · 10-26-2008, 09:45 PM

I agree with Atticus. I think I've only learned to cope better. And I agree with EremitaGermanus about young people. Most of them don't like to be advised because they think they already know more than you do. However, some young people do like to befriend older folks. And when that happens they may ask you for advice.

shylady · 10-27-2008, 02:32 AM

Im still learning how to cope .Im tired of caring about what others think of me,why should there opinon of me matter anyways...

Ms Deer · 10-27-2008, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shylady

Im still learning how to cope .Im tired of caring about what others think of me,why should there opinon of me matter anyways...

Hi, Shylady, and welcome to SAS.

You might find this little book helpful. I have not read it but have read many excerpts from it and it makes perfect sense to me. It is called:

The Four Agreements

http://samsara.ihostyou.com/the-four-agreements/

Part of Agreement #2 says:
"What you think of me is none of my business."
And I found, somewhat late in life, that statement is very true and allows for self-growth.

debiski · 10-28-2008, 08:04 AM

I think I coped with my SA better when I was younger. Now it keeps me a prisoner in my home except for necessary outings. I have no friends and no social life. The only people I talk to are my kids and my husband.

Deb

kelso · 10-29-2008, 02:12 AM

Now that saying - WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS, I would put on a T- shirt. Doesn't it say it all?
When I first joined this site I read this somewhere and it really did make me sit up and think.
DEBISKI I also seemed to cope with this better when I was younger as I had no idea what was wrong and quite frankly, we had to "get on with it" and you were not allowed to be a "sook".

kelso · 10-29-2008, 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EremitaGermanus

My concern is that "younger" people tend to not take advice from "older" people.
It is in the nature of things.

Totally agree here and I honestly think it is much of the problem.
Where I come from elders were listened to but I realize that is not so now.
People with SA in the old days were known as "myalls" and accepted for who and what they were.
This did nothing as far an understanding the problem.
Today we can understand what is wrong and do something about it.

Atticus · 10-29-2008, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelso

....DEBISKI I also seemed to cope with this better when I was younger as I had no idea what was wrong and quite frankly, we had to "get on with it" and you were not allowed to be a "sook".

This, along with your other point Kelso, about how now we know what this thing is and can do something about it, struck me. There was a certain advantage for me in my 20s and 30s when I pretty much "got on with it". I didn't get on well or with any thought for the future, but I got on and tended to feel less stuck.

Knowing what the problem is, for me, creates a sense of OBLIGATION to do something about it. As my other posts show, I feel an exhalted sense of obligation to some unspecified norm, but still, I wonder if others felt less of a need to think about this stuff when they didn't have a name for it?

shylady · 10-30-2008, 01:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ms Deer

Hi, Shylady, and welcome to SAS.

You might find this little book helpful. I have not read it but have read many excerpts from it and it makes perfect sense to me. It is called:

The Four Agreements

http://samsara.ihostyou.com/the-four-agreements/

Part of Agreement #2 says:
"What you think of me is none of my business."
And I found, somewhat late in life, that statement is very true and allows for self-growth.

Thanks for sharing this it will be helpful

lilly · 10-31-2008, 11:04 PM

I think that putting a name to it like Atticus says has made me kind of clam up more. I didn't know until later in life that I had social anxiety. I just lived my life when I was younger and people would say "why are you so shy" and so on. I just thought it was that.
Now I seem to be staying in the house more and would like to push myself out more often.
I know I've never enjoyed parties and panic at the thought of one.
I just used to do what I had to do when I was at school, college and work.

EremitaGermanus · 11-01-2008, 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilly

I think that putting a name to it like Atticus says has made me kind of clam up more. I didn't know until later in life that I had social anxiety. I just lived my life when I was younger and people would say "why are you so shy" and so on. I just thought it was that.
Now I seem to be staying in the house more and would like to push myself out more often.
I know I've never enjoyed parties and panic at the thought of one.
I just used to do what I had to do when I was at school, college and work.

Hope, I find the right words for my thoughts on this without making it sound like an accusation or playing down your problems!!!

Is it possible that by having an official name for it, you subconsciously now have the "authorization" to act out or cave in to each rising of feelings of SA? Or maybe even subconsciously live up to the definition of SA to keep that security blanket or "carte blanche?"

I've often witnessed that when people get a diagnosis (for whatever disease) they define themselves solely through this diagnosis. Everything revolves around it and not around progresses and triumphs or other things. Constantly searching for evidence and affirmation. Everything that goes wrong or makes one feel bad now happens because of THAT and not because things sometimes do go wrong or sometimes one just feels like crap. Like in your example you didn't go to parties because you, like many other "normal" people, simply don't like going to parties and not because your SA kept you from going there!

I think, I also consider the label SA as a "carte blanche" for failing and feeling bad but nowadays I come off better with it in my books. Now I sometimes even laugh about it or even flirt with it toward others. It gave me a certain freedom to grant myself leave to have those inhibitions and problems lessening the pressure of having to succeed.

SA makes my life very difficult but it's OK to have SA, it's not a flaw for me, nothing to be ashamed of and definitely not my fault!

Maybe it helps if you try to concentrate more on the things you manage to do in everyday life (without competing to things "normal" people manage everyday!!!) despite your SA.

MavenMI6Agent009 · 11-01-2008, 09:05 AM

not care what others think and keep taking medication

lilly · 11-02-2008, 04:24 PM

Eremita you're right. It can be used as an excuse not to do something. I must say though that I've pushed myself to do things I have to do - I go if I have to go.

Also I spoke to a psychologist on the phone once who said to me you have anxiety and it is centring itself on social things. The anxiety was growing and I had to learn to try and control the anxiety so it didn't control me. What you say about parties is correct too - I was thinking about this and thought I know people who don't like parties who don't have anxiety... and this also applies to many other things.

My life when I was young was different to now anyway and I've taken a path that is more peaceful. Social anxiety makes my life very difficult and in some ways I have closed myself off to life. I feel it's going to take an almighty push to get me to join a class or something - I avoid it yet I feel like I'd like to do it.

Sillouhette · 11-16-2008, 05:00 PM

I've always felt socially STUPID, inept and just baffled. I am still that way. I don't know what to do about it. I just try to live for today since that's all I have. Social structures go against nature anyway and I am a naturalist. Two dogs meet and instantly hate each other and start fighting. They just stay away from each other or get killed. In human society we seem to be SUPPOSED to be around people we don't like and make believe we like them. I find that ulcer inducing. What a waste of time. Why bother??

Mjh · 12-14-2008, 04:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sillouhette

I've always felt socially STUPID, inept and just baffled. I am still that way. I don't know what to do about it. I just try to live for today since that's all I have. Social structures go against nature anyway and I am a naturalist. Two dogs meet and instantly hate each other and start fighting. They just stay away from each other or get killed. In human society we seem to be SUPPOSED to be around people we don't like and make believe we like them. I find that ulcer inducing. What a waste of time. Why bother??

I enjoy nature more than people, and as I get older that disparity only increases. Nature is beautiful. Doesnt matter if its the coldest day on record, you can still admire the beauty of it by spending 10 minutes observing.

People? people are such a mixed bag. They have zero attention span, increasingly I find most people are primarily interested in themselves virtually all the time. I think there is some sort of psychosis going on with humanity right now. I find it really hard to connect with people, and most of my observations tell me I'm not the only one.

kelso · 12-15-2008, 11:05 PM

As I sit here viewing the SA site I have a baby guinea fowl sitting on my shoulder chatting away and its nice to have such devoted company although the Maremma seems to think she should take over!

I agree with you Eremita. Many people do use a label to cop out but for me I was so relieved to be able to understand what on earth was different with me.

Like you, lilly, I now use it to make myself achieve goals and I am having great success with this determined state of mind. I see my interaction with people as a challenge and it does my self confidence a power of good when I succeed.

As Sillouhette says, back off the people you can't deal with, why bother? I, quite frankly, get rid of people who stress me to the point of panic attack.

10-26-2008, 03:49 AM	#1 (permalink)
kelso Status: SAS Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South East Queensland, Australia Posts: 217	How are you dealing with sa? I am closer to 60 then 50 and if I think I am going to be SA free I am kidding myself. BUT I have learnt to deal with it much like a diabetic or epileptic or someone with a transplant - you must do the best you can with what you've got where you are. We can, as elders, give advice and hope to our young ones who seem to be more plagued with this then us. What are your thoughts?

10-26-2008, 06:53 AM	#3 (permalink)
Hot Chocolate Status: Colourful Spongy Cake! Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: S.E.A Posts: 1,121	Right now, I am sort of trying to pick up my life that was ravaged by my SA. It is hard because I did not take a lot of hardships and always been in my comfort zone like almost forever. What can I do now? Take things slowly that is. __________________ Living is easy with eyes closed Misunderstanding all you see It's getting hard to be someone But it all works out It doesn't matter much to me Let me take you down 'Cause i'm going to strawberry fields...

10-26-2008, 07:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
Atticus Status: under a sheltering sky Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: St. Louis Age: 52 Posts: 3,531	A lot of things seemed worse at 21 than they do at 51. SA especially. I tend to think I'm better than I was then, though some of what I see as improvement may just be something like acceptance. And then again, maybe acceptance is improvement. __________________ Basically I'm just gonna walk the earth. ....You know, like Caine in Kung Fu - walk from place to place, meet people, get in adventures." Jules after his epiphany

11-01-2008, 09:05 AM	#16 (permalink)
MavenMI6Agent009 Status: Cook Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: EL Crapo, Tx Gender: Male Posts: 13,634	not care what others think and keep taking medication __________________ "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." (Henri Nouwen) -------------------------------------------------------

10-26-2008, 04:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
EremitaGermanus Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Germany Gender: Female Age: 38 Posts: 134	My concern is that "younger" people tend to not take advice from "older" people. It is in the nature of things.

10-26-2008, 09:34 AM	#4 (permalink)
justpassinby Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 429	I've learned that socializing is something I don't want to do, but have to do. It's accepted. I grit my teeth through it and then thoroughly enjoy my downtime that much more.

10-26-2008, 09:45 PM	#6 (permalink)
Woody Status: Old Fogie Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: East Coast USA Gender: Male Posts: 1,884	I agree with Atticus. I think I've only learned to cope better. And I agree with EremitaGermanus about young people. Most of them don't like to be advised because they think they already know more than you do. However, some young people do like to befriend older folks. And when that happens they may ask you for advice.

10-27-2008, 02:32 AM	#7 (permalink)
shylady Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mississippi Gender: Female Posts: 92	Im still learning how to cope .Im tired of caring about what others think of me,why should there opinon of me matter anyways...

10-28-2008, 08:04 AM	#9 (permalink)
debiski Status: Walking in the dark Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Wisconsin Age: 44 Posts: 30	I think I coped with my SA better when I was younger. Now it keeps me a prisoner in my home except for necessary outings. I have no friends and no social life. The only people I talk to are my kids and my husband. Deb

10-29-2008, 02:12 AM	#10 (permalink)
kelso Status: SAS Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South East Queensland, Australia Posts: 217	Now that saying - WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS, I would put on a T- shirt. Doesn't it say it all? When I first joined this site I read this somewhere and it really did make me sit up and think. DEBISKI I also seemed to cope with this better when I was younger as I had no idea what was wrong and quite frankly, we had to "get on with it" and you were not allowed to be a "sook".

10-31-2008, 11:04 PM	#14 (permalink)
lilly Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: australia Gender: Female Age: 50 Posts: 1,746	I think that putting a name to it like Atticus says has made me kind of clam up more. I didn't know until later in life that I had social anxiety. I just lived my life when I was younger and people would say "why are you so shy" and so on. I just thought it was that. Now I seem to be staying in the house more and would like to push myself out more often. I know I've never enjoyed parties and panic at the thought of one. I just used to do what I had to do when I was at school, college and work.

11-02-2008, 04:24 PM	#17 (permalink)
lilly Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: australia Gender: Female Age: 50 Posts: 1,746	Eremita you're right. It can be used as an excuse not to do something. I must say though that I've pushed myself to do things I have to do - I go if I have to go. Also I spoke to a psychologist on the phone once who said to me you have anxiety and it is centring itself on social things. The anxiety was growing and I had to learn to try and control the anxiety so it didn't control me. What you say about parties is correct too - I was thinking about this and thought I know people who don't like parties who don't have anxiety... and this also applies to many other things. My life when I was young was different to now anyway and I've taken a path that is more peaceful. Social anxiety makes my life very difficult and in some ways I have closed myself off to life. I feel it's going to take an almighty push to get me to join a class or something - I avoid it yet I feel like I'd like to do it.

11-16-2008, 05:00 PM	#18 (permalink)
Sillouhette Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Wandering around aimlessly Posts: 165	I've always felt socially STUPID, inept and just baffled. I am still that way. I don't know what to do about it. I just try to live for today since that's all I have. Social structures go against nature anyway and I am a naturalist. Two dogs meet and instantly hate each other and start fighting. They just stay away from each other or get killed. In human society we seem to be SUPPOSED to be around people we don't like and make believe we like them. I find that ulcer inducing. What a waste of time. Why bother??

12-15-2008, 11:05 PM	#20 (permalink)
kelso Status: SAS Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South East Queensland, Australia Posts: 217	As I sit here viewing the SA site I have a baby guinea fowl sitting on my shoulder chatting away and its nice to have such devoted company although the Maremma seems to think she should take over! I agree with you Eremita. Many people do use a label to cop out but for me I was so relieved to be able to understand what on earth was different with me. Like you, lilly, I now use it to make myself achieve goals and I am having great success with this determined state of mind. I see my interaction with people as a challenge and it does my self confidence a power of good when I succeed. As Sillouhette says, back off the people you can't deal with, why bother? I, quite frankly, get rid of people who stress me to the point of panic attack.