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Have you accepted that it is over? If so, why?

3K views 40 replies 34 participants last post by  Mongoose 
#1 ·
I'm wondering if I am the only one who has reached a point in their life where they simply know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that they will never have a relationship. I mean, where you have gotten past the point of feeling anguish about it and have just decided to put those hopes and dreams behind you once and for all, and get on with whatever parts of this life are actually accessible to you?

I had been flirting with that epiphany on and off for a decade or so, ever since I learned conclusively how profoundly unattractive the female gender perceives me to be. But I reached the point of complete acceptance about a year ago (at age 51), when in addition to all of my other negative traits, I developed Peyronie's disease. It was as if God himself said "haven't you gotten the message yet that a relationship is not for you? Well, here, maybe throwing yet one more very specific roadblock in your way will finally convince you." And while accepting the inevitability of this didn't result in me becoming a happier person, it did seem to lower my stress level about spending my life alone.

No, I'm not visiting this forum again out of a desire for someone to tell me there is still hope, because I know in my heart that door is locked forever now. But I never get to talk openly about any of this, and I think I might like to be able to do so at least once before the end. I would also sort of like to know if I am perhaps not as unique as I sometimes feel I must be, in terms of having reached this degree of acceptance of a fate that seems to be beyond the imaginings of most normal people.
 
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#3 ·
No, I haven't accepted it and won't. My uncle, as far as I know, now that he is retired and in his seventies, never married and never had a relationship, but always seemed content. I'd love to have the kind of peace at the possibility, but I don't. I don't have enough of a defined life of my own, even at this point in my life, so it's difficult to just say...hey cool, nobody will bother me while I... build ships in bottles, collect and categorize belly button lint, try to develop the correct formula for pizza ice-cream, etc. I can be solitary...I've done it...I am doing it...but I don't like it.

I've loved and lost...been married and divorced...so even if I've been in relationships, I'm not ready to say...been there, done that.

If you're coming to that realization and acceptance, I totally admire you. If you aren't, I empathize. Are you beyond a relationship? Only you can really say. I do know that finding a companion continues to get more important the older you get...and you aren't the only one looking...so I still say there's hope.

Welcome back after your SAS hiatus.

(inb4 someone who is 19 claims they've accepted being "forever alone"...sorry, but yeah...that annoys me no matter how true you feel it is for you.)
 
#5 ·
No, not yet, but I sometimes want to throw in the towel. I am trying to improve my situation but its not easy and I worry about my future a lot. I am very frustrated now, though, more so than when I was just on autopilot in my 20s.


Seeing my friends pass me by and improve their lives and mature while I stay stuck in a state more appropriate for an 18 year old has galvanized me to try to make changes that I should have made when I was still in my 20s, like trying to find a better job, trying to watch my diet, etc.


I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into my younger self so I didn't end up in such a bad state where I have to scramble to try and get my life together.
 
#6 ·
you're not alone, I'm right there with you - it's just not gonna happen for me too
 
#7 ·
It's more about this liability attached that I don't really favor. I'm not everyones cup of tea, and I don't want to invest fully in someone who can potentially destroy my character after a brief affair.

I think deep down I'll always long for that person who can make me feel zen. I can't rightly throw in the towel when I never really persuaded that avenue in my best effort.
 
#19 ·
I think I'm slowly getting there as well, last night I was talking to my friend about life, I'm not gonna see him for another two years so I guess I didn't mind just speaking my mind to him on a whim. He told me it was good that I finally took a risk and asked out a girl at work, even though she wasn't interested, perhaps someday I'll fall in love or something. I retorted that when it comes to myself, I don't think I wanna believe in love anymore, I'm too messed up mentally.

I think if I finally come to grips with this and just focus on my health, work, and learning new skills, perhaps someday I'll finally be confident in myself and be healthy enough mentally to give my life purpose. For now I'm just running through the motions for the sake of my family, and they're not gonna be around forever and I'm not getting any younger. There might be people everywhere in their 20s as well falling in love but for me personally I don't think it's ever gonna happen given my current situation / environment.

I can't even risk opening up to anyone and make new friends irl in the first place, I don't see how I can risk opening up to a girl who will then have the ammunition to tear my world asunder. I don't want to be sensitive anymore and definitely want to learn how to stand on my own emotionally and be strong.
 
#9 ·
No. Even though I've never been in a relationship before, I still believe there is a woman out there who will see my flaws and will still want me. If it happens for others, it sure as heck can happen for you too. Not everyone is shallow as society makes it seem. Believe in yourself. Finding the love of your life is obviously a situation that takes time and it will all be worth it in the end if I wait instead of rushing into something my heart knows it doesn't want. I've been involved sexually with girls who didn't even give a rats *** about me. These kinds of things happen to guys as well. We get tired of being treated this way and want someone who actually wants to be with us not just for satisfying a woman's hormones. Love is something really special that you share with other. That's why these things take time. I'm done going Dr. Phil on your butt. I apologize for venting on your thread. I'm gonna go find something productive to spend time on.
 
#10 ·
Yes. Because life isn't a disney movie and there isn't a happy ever after for everybody. People have ****ty lives and die. That's a fact.
I wish it wasn't so. But I'm done with pretty little wishes and make believe. I'm going to enjoy the **** out of everything I do get out of life.
Relationships/women is just not one of them. You can't always get what you want.
 
#17 ·
I already regret this post. **** giving up. I'm not dead yet. I have lots of ups and downs like this, usually lasts a day. Right now I'm positive again. Usually it happens after listen to awesome music such as:

(Maybe the lyrics are not as topical, because he talks about his past addiction problems, but I think it can apply to a lot of other aspect of life.)



I'm my biggest enemy. I'm what's holding me back. I got to stop doing this. Just typing this made me emotional... so I know it's true.
 
#13 ·
Not yet, but I almost certainly will in the future. Up until a couple of years ago, I figured, I'd end up being in a normal family, with a wife and a couple of kids (three being my ideal number). I was only kidding myself. Not only is the possibility of attaining those things near impossible for me, but even if I did the family I'd have wouldn't deserve a Father like me. I can't even afford to take care of myself, let alone kids. Children deserve a father who is strong, who can teach them the basics about life in general. I have no experience in the real world, and I am emotionally weak and timid. I may change slightly in time, but I'll still be the same loser I am now, down at heart. It's probably for the best my warped genes don't get passed down.
 
#15 ·
I may not be 30 yet but I'm already there. Some things you just know. You say it's unlikely but I'm not like everyone else.

I think it would be a good thing for me to just stop thinking of putting any sort of effort towards it. There are so many other things that need to be done too. No need to bash my head against the wall when I'm already doing it over even trying to live a semi-normal and semi-acceptable life.

I just need to find ways to keep myself occupied.
 
#16 ·
To have a proper, adult relationship? Possibly not going to work..

I don't think I'm a proper adult and there's too much catching up I have to do to be one. It's not impossible as I've heard, but it seems difficult and quite unlikely. I even fret about new friendships lasting longer than a day so I have a long way to go before feeling comfortable around anyone.

I managed a semi-normal relationship once but that was with someone way older and miraculously, we got on really well. I think distance helped, so we didn't see each other for a few weeks at a time. So the circumstances have to be just right. looking back, I don't know how I did it.
 
#18 ·
I never accepted it's over, so to speak. I just never really wanted it in the first place. For most of my life, I never felt the compulsion to be in a relationship. I've had my crushes, sure. I've had one love in life, and even though I -- we, really -- knew it was never going to pan out, I let myself fall too hard and got hurt in the end. I don't completely regret it. I still care about this person even though we've parted ways -- possibly for good. Even the good parts about being in love haven't left me with a pressing need to be with someone for the rest of my life. I'd rather be single so I have more time to do things like take care of my current family, pursue interests, find myself, etc.
 
#20 ·
Not completely but i feel i'm almost there, although i would call it resignation more than acceptance maybe. Resignation to loneliness but acceptance of the fact that it could hardly have been different anyway, as my brain is ****ed up and turned me into a social retard and an outsider. What i don't know yet is if accepting the perpective of being alone forever will feel as a relief or kickstart a downward spiral towards suicide. It must feel liberating to not feel dependant on this craving for acceptance and connection, but don't know if it's sustainable, maybe i should just numb myself with the heaviest medication i can find.
 
#22 ·
I like this answer. It's honest and hopeful. OT, but i like your avatar pic.

For myself..I think I'm becoming more resigned to the fact that I'll remain single. It's very hard for me to open to, socialize, converse and connect with others. Even without SA, I have poor conversational skills. I don't have the looks to give me an advantage either. Honestly, I feel stuck. I hope something amazing happens, but it's probably time to face facts.
 
#27 ·
I am a 46 year old male. Now in my second relationship. Never married and don't have kids. I have a fairly low paying job. I have not given up on life, but maybe I have given up on having a normal life.

And I truly feel that is a big step, at least for me.
I agree, that is a vitally important thing to recognize. I, too, have a life, and a pretty good one overall, as long as the total lack of a relationship and "normality" (whatever that is, really) aren't regarded as catastrophic.
 
#28 ·
36 and I pretty much realized it since the day I hit 30. In fact this last week we went to Vegas for my 5 year younger brother bachelor party. 1 night my best friend from way back as children brook off from the group and drunkenly walked into a strip club on the strip. We were sitting there talking by the stage with are drinks and constantly getting bothered by the strippers for a lap dance every 2 minutes; eventually my friend was getting annoyed and he started saying things like I am gay and this is my boyfriend patting me on the head, apparently one of the strippers said to him he is not attractive enough to be your boyfriend. It made me mad because I already felt this way but now hearing it from women (so to speak) in an indirect way was like nail in the coffin.
They want to say women are not that interested in attractiveness they like confidence, status all these other things unlike men but it is not true. You have to be at a certain bar of activeness level before they will even bother giving you a chance.
 
#29 ·
They want to say women are not that interested in attractiveness they like confidence, status all these other things unlike men but it is not true. You have to be at a certain bar of activeness level before they will even bother giving you a chance.
I've said precisely the same thing myself, many times. Yes, I have seen some evidence that many women do care about things beyond looks (unlike so many men whose ONLY criteria is how a woman looks). However, as you say, what I have observed is that they only start weighing those other things in a guy if he has first met their standard for looks.

Similarly, I've heard women complain about the unavailability of men, but again, what I have observed all my life is that such women are only counting "men" as the guys who meet that threshold. Women don't even see or count the ugly guys as "men", but rather just as "things" to be avoided at all costs. (That goes both ways, of course … but many women insist that looks don't matter to them while proceeding to look right past the unattractive guys, while most men are at least pretty straightforward about their shallowness.)
 
#30 ·
I'm 28 and literally have had nothing to do with girls, zero experience. Never a date, a relationship, a kiss, a cuddle, any sexual activity, etc. Zip, nada, zilch. I'm so going to die a forever alone virgin, a prime specimen in that dubious category.
 
#32 ·
Kinda

Not really "accepting defeat"

Just...not doing anything about it, too much of a wimp to ..approach..or do online dating or anything like that, not happy with my appearance, know I'm not attractive so theres probably no point trying. I'm not at a great point in life for someone my age and have a ton of issues.

I don't really sit about and complain about it, I just think its not going to happen for me anymore so try and ignore that part of life as best as possible. Hell I have a hard enough time going outside, let alone making friends or..even worse a relationship, no girl around my age is going to give me a second look, It's possible I might have better luck with someone in her early 20's but then I'm not quite sure how I'm ever suppose to end up in a situation where I'm around a single girl in her early 20's :serious:
 
#33 ·
I have totally given up on any significant human connection with another being for about 5 years now. It happened gradually in a sense. For about 2 years, I did not even have a crush on anyone I knew or didn't know, which was strange and rare for me. I've always had crushes on people and later got totally heart broken when I'd realise it would never be anything between us.

The whole idea of having a connection with another being simply faded away from my mind and heart. Occasionally it will wake up and remind me of what I am missing out on, what it could be like to fall in love, be in love, to love and be loved. But I especially have difficulty with being loved - I simply believe that I am not worthy of love.

But that is ok. My heart is full of love, I love nature, animals, the ant I see walking on the pavement, the bird flying over my head, my cats who wake me up in the middle of the night.... I am overwhelmed with love, so the whole feeling of not being worthy of love is fine.

I actually think this life is all about how much you love, not about how much you are being loved.

Besides relationships, I knew I'd never be a career person, would never make a lot of money, would not have many friends, have no kids, no house/car to own etc. I guess after so many years, you simply accept things as they are and don't dwell on them. I am happy with a simple life. I don't need luxuries, I don't need a house, a car, a career...

It is whenever I am in social gatherings that I get slapped in the face, hearing other people's stories of how it could be and them making it sound like how it should be makes you feel at your lowest, but once you avoid those social events, things are just fine. I simply live in my own happy world.
 
#35 ·
It is whenever I am in social gatherings that I get slapped in the face, hearing other people's stories of how it could be and them making it sound like how it should be makes you feel at your lowest, but once you avoid those social events, things are just fine. I simply live in my own happy world.
Yes, I recognize this feeling. It is society occasionally forcing its expectations upon me that causes me the most stress about my situation, even making me feel guilty by insinuating that my unattractiveness and health problems must be indicative of some sort of moral failing on my part. The more I shut myself away from society, the easier it becomes to accept and enjoy what I have.
 
#37 ·
I haven't quite given up on it, as I'm very capable of having long term relationships. It's that I push people away. I get scared of them knowing me completely, of needing to depend on them, of losing what little control I have over my emotions/anxiety and I doom the relationships time and time again. My sibling jokes that I'm a maneater in the sense I date them and leave them and they never quite know what they did wrong. They didn't do anything wrong, for the most part. It's mostly what;s going on with me that stunts every romantic venture I embark on. I would say that I've accepted that I'll never marry and will likely not live with a partner again. It's a shame, too, as I really long for that kind of closeness but I'm also rather petrified of it.
 
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