Social Anxiety Support

Banana Cream · 09-11-2010, 12:21 AM

Whether you consider yourself old or not, I don't mind. Do you have an opinion about Social Anxiety and age?

In grade school I was shy around some, but usually had friends that I could be just the reverse. And there was always many kinds of people to choose to spend time with.

Now I have moved, gone back to school, but spend most my hours out of school alone or with family. Of course, I can write or chat with old friends online, but it's not the same. Making new friends later, especially when you are reevaluating your life and earlier choices?

Paul · 09-11-2010, 01:32 AM

For me, I started life totally petrified of everything and tried to act mute through school. Over the years I've gradually improved to the point where I'm reasonably functional in life and at least have online friends. It seems things get steadily better with time, though at a very frustratingly slow rate.

I couldn't say whether making friends offline gets easier or harder, since I never made one... but it's fair to say I have less opportunities to squander now that I'm not in school and don't meet people.

Of course, everyone's SA experiences are different and I doubt there's a clear trend.

Neptunus · 09-11-2010, 01:55 AM

For me, it's gotten better. I've found it more difficult to resist bitterness and cynicism, though!

CeilingStarer · 09-11-2010, 03:03 AM

I think it gets better, but only because you become bitter/jaded/completely insane and stop giving a ****.

Neptunus · 09-11-2010, 03:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CeilingStarer

I think it gets better, but only because you become bitter/jaded/completely insane and stop giving a ****.

Precisely! You stop giving a ****!

AK32 · 09-11-2010, 10:46 PM

For me I think it hasn't really changed, I've been this way since I was a teenager.

sadeyes · 09-12-2010, 08:23 AM

Each phase in my life added new relationships which added new anxieties. My only coping method was avoiding. So, eventually I was avoiding more and more of my life.

I don't think it's age that causes less or more anxiety. I think once you know you have social anxiety, you can start to seek help. I think knowing you have this condition is the starting point, no matter what age you are.

For us older people (I don't like to consider myself old, but probably on this site I'm ancient :-) ), we didn't have all the information when we were high school or college age, so we coped with it.

I don't even think the "school counselors" knew what it was. Nowadays, most kids know what ADHD, ADD, OCD, SAD, ect are (it seems very common, maybe too common). I remember when I was in high school (maybe junior year) I was almost having a nervous breakdown. I didn't have anyone (I thought) to really talk to. My mom was overbearing, very critical (she wanted the best for me, but it's hard to be perfect as a kid). I went to the school counselor in tears. I didn't know what I was feeling, didn't know why I needed to talk, but I did. It was hard for me to even go talk to him. Anyway, I told him specifically, do not tell my mom. I look back now, and realize my mom had anxiety, too. She didn't want anyone knowing about our business. Well, that night my mom gets a phone call from the counselor. The rest is history. I could not trust any one in authority. I should have gotten help then. But didn't, and I went through the rest of my life...coping.

I found ways to minimize my anxiety, which unfortunately didn't resolve my anxiety, just masked it, kept me from facing my fears. And as I got older, my thought patterns got stuck in a way that was harder to change.

If you are younger, and know you have social anxiety, you have a head start to change your thought patterns.

Pam · 09-14-2010, 10:49 AM

I think SA is unrelated to age, and totally related to giving a f^*k.

ktbare · 09-14-2010, 11:18 AM

Its not because I'm older its gotten a bit better in recent times, more the fact that too much has happened to me, I've lost too much and I just don't care anymore.

Chairman Dan · 09-14-2010, 01:58 PM

I can relate. My social anxiety actually developed well into adulthood. Shyness has been prominent in my life as far back as i can remember, however i only began experiencing the scourge of SA at age 21 after a series of traumatic events. Prior to that period, i enjoyed a generally happy, anxiety-free existence, in that i always had friends (even though i was never the most popular kid) and little trouble socializing all throughout school. But that gradually changed in college as i drifted away from some friends, fell-out with others, eventually culminating in my complete social isolation. The feeling is very surreal when i reflect on my years before SA. It's as if i was an entirely different person, living in a completely different lifetime. Fortunately, i have a very supportive family and one good friend who has been there for me unconditionally.

Atticus · 09-14-2010, 02:47 PM

It has gotten better for me. Not a lot better, but enough that I notice and feel some relief. I have tough symptoms occasionally now, and they remind me of how heavy this SA thing used to be when my symptoms were more frequent and often paralyzing.

That relief is dampened by two things, though. One is that the "soft" choices I've made, mainly staying too long in a bad marriage and still working at something that doesn't really satisfy me, is catching up with me. Everybody my age has some woulda, coulda, shoulda moments, but I can't help but think I really really shoulda done some things differently. Took the easy way out.

Then there's a quirk with my SA. When I understand the role I'm playing, I don't have symptoms, or they're very mild. When I'm at work I can run meetings, participate in discussions, and seem to flourish. Then somenone asks me to lunch, and I stammer some weak excuse and hide in my office. The work stuff makes sense to me; the purely social doesn't.

As my kids get older my role with them changes. My son is nearly 30, and I'm not quite sure how to be the father of a 30 yr old. I can parent a child or an adolescent where the lines are clear (to me) with relative ease, but an adult, not so much. My daughters are 19 and 16, so this therapy **** needs to start working real soon

Belshazzar · 09-15-2010, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neptunus

Precisely! You stop giving a ****!

Same for me. Sometimes I get too bored with being quiet. I've had SA since I can remember and I think I've made a lot of progress since then, when I was too embarrassed to ask someone to pass the salt shaker. I still have really bad SA "flare-ups" now and then, though.

I think it depends on the situation, too. Some people's SA seems to really take hold after a traumatic event. If something like that happens to you later in life, age doesn't matter.

lyricalillusions · 09-16-2010, 01:57 AM

I would say that, for the most part, age has nothing to do with it. Though a lot of people do get better after they are out of their teens. Some people, however, do not get better, & instead, get worse with age, like myself. It really depends on the duration of the social anxiety. A person who has had it for nearly their entire lives is much less likely to outgrow it with age, but a person who suddenly develops it around the beginning of adolescence is much more likely to outgrow it at the end of adolescence.

Logan X · 09-16-2010, 06:49 AM

My SA is about the same, but my depression is a lot worse.

ASAR · 09-16-2010, 09:09 AM

for me in 3 years of my sa last year started to be much beter ..so i must say its getting better

ils25r · 09-25-2010, 10:50 PM

I'm pretty much the same as sadeyes. The thing is there's all kinds of people. When meeting new people I don't know what to expect. Mainly whether my lack of social skills will be tolerated , overlooked or judged and condemned whether at the first few minutes of meeting someone or later down the road.

I noticed I would try to say something at my age (mid-thirties) when in a conversation, rather than a time I didn't want to say anything at all and tried to leave a conversation. (worst being age 15-22). So maybe a little improvement over the years.

Johnny_Genome · 09-27-2010, 02:12 AM

I think age has simply made me rise to the realities that have faced me. As a child through my early twenties, I had parents I could rely on for certain things. Now I have only myself. When I had to figure out a way to keep a roof over my head and feed myself I simply developed new survival skills, most of them social. A big shift has been from intense anxiety to intense depression -- which often leads to those 'I don't give a **** moments'. The biggest issue I face now is relating to a peer group that has lived a 'normal' social life for the last 30 years. In some ways I've mastered the art of socializing, and people tend to enjoy being around me. But I'm still full of shame from my SAD, and have a deep-rooted self-hatred.

honeybear1990 · 09-27-2010, 01:23 PM

Age doesn't matter. If you let every year go by doing nothing to improve your situation, you will be no better as the years go by. However, if you do put effort into improvement, you will get better.

Recipe For Disaster · 09-27-2010, 02:47 PM

it got worse for me as i became a teenager, then it gradually improved but it still pretty bad. you do stop caring as you get older i've found, but at the same time after college i became a lot mroe withdrawn.

caroleas · 09-28-2010, 12:14 PM

It's getting worse with me. Sometimes, I literally have nothing to contribute to a conversation and feel really inadequate. Lots of self-esteem issues here. I imagine that I am being judged all the time. I feel people are not as friendly toward me or that they don't want to talk to me. This can be quite painful.

09-11-2010, 12:21 AM	#1 (permalink)
Banana Cream Status: SAS Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 179	Does SA get better or worse with age, or is age completely unrelated? Whether you consider yourself old or not, I don't mind. Do you have an opinion about Social Anxiety and age? In grade school I was shy around some, but usually had friends that I could be just the reverse. And there was always many kinds of people to choose to spend time with. Now I have moved, gone back to school, but spend most my hours out of school alone or with family. Of course, I can write or chat with old friends online, but it's not the same. Making new friends later, especially when you are reevaluating your life and earlier choices?

09-11-2010, 01:32 AM	#2 (permalink)
Paul Status: 8 Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: subject to change Gender: Male Age: 32 Posts: 3,621	For me, I started life totally petrified of everything and tried to act mute through school. Over the years I've gradually improved to the point where I'm reasonably functional in life and at least have online friends. It seems things get steadily better with time, though at a very frustratingly slow rate. I couldn't say whether making friends offline gets easier or harder, since I never made one... but it's fair to say I have less opportunities to squander now that I'm not in school and don't meet people. Of course, everyone's SA experiences are different and I doubt there's a clear trend. __________________ "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom." - Søren Kierkegaard

09-12-2010, 08:23 AM	#7 (permalink)
sadeyes Status: SAS Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 200	Each phase in my life added new relationships which added new anxieties. My only coping method was avoiding. So, eventually I was avoiding more and more of my life. I don't think it's age that causes less or more anxiety. I think once you know you have social anxiety, you can start to seek help. I think knowing you have this condition is the starting point, no matter what age you are. For us older people (I don't like to consider myself old, but probably on this site I'm ancient :-) ), we didn't have all the information when we were high school or college age, so we coped with it. I don't even think the "school counselors" knew what it was. Nowadays, most kids know what ADHD, ADD, OCD, SAD, ect are (it seems very common, maybe too common). I remember when I was in high school (maybe junior year) I was almost having a nervous breakdown. I didn't have anyone (I thought) to really talk to. My mom was overbearing, very critical (she wanted the best for me, but it's hard to be perfect as a kid). I went to the school counselor in tears. I didn't know what I was feeling, didn't know why I needed to talk, but I did. It was hard for me to even go talk to him. Anyway, I told him specifically, do not tell my mom. I look back now, and realize my mom had anxiety, too. She didn't want anyone knowing about our business. Well, that night my mom gets a phone call from the counselor. The rest is history. I could not trust any one in authority. I should have gotten help then. But didn't, and I went through the rest of my life...coping. I found ways to minimize my anxiety, which unfortunately didn't resolve my anxiety, just masked it, kept me from facing my fears. And as I got older, my thought patterns got stuck in a way that was harder to change. If you are younger, and know you have social anxiety, you have a head start to change your thought patterns. __________________ www.mysocialanxiety.org

09-14-2010, 10:49 AM	#8 (permalink)
Pam Status: Fitting In Here & There Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Western New York Gender: Female Age: 44 Posts: 765	I think SA is unrelated to age, and totally related to giving a f^*k. __________________ I don't need anyone to approve of what I say or do...but it's always nice when someone does. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000279759091 My Blog: http://cloud-neptune.blogspot.com/

09-16-2010, 01:57 AM	#13 (permalink)
lyricalillusions Status: My So-Called Self Join Date: Nov 2008 Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 646	I would say that, for the most part, age has nothing to do with it. Though a lot of people do get better after they are out of their teens. Some people, however, do not get better, & instead, get worse with age, like myself. It really depends on the duration of the social anxiety. A person who has had it for nearly their entire lives is much less likely to outgrow it with age, but a person who suddenly develops it around the beginning of adolescence is much more likely to outgrow it at the end of adolescence. __________________ “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” _Dr. Seuss

09-11-2010, 01:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
Neptunus Status: User Requested Permanent Ban Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Navigating a sea of emotions Gender: Female Posts: 19,632	For me, it's gotten better. I've found it more difficult to resist bitterness and cynicism, though!

09-11-2010, 03:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
CeilingStarer Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Australia Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 3,276	I think it gets better, but only because you become bitter/jaded/completely insane and stop giving a ****.

09-11-2010, 10:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
AK32 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 625	For me I think it hasn't really changed, I've been this way since I was a teenager.

09-14-2010, 11:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
ktbare Status: Existence is purpose Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 641	Its not because I'm older its gotten a bit better in recent times, more the fact that too much has happened to me, I've lost too much and I just don't care anymore.

09-14-2010, 01:58 PM	#10 (permalink)
Chairman Dan Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 268	I can relate. My social anxiety actually developed well into adulthood. Shyness has been prominent in my life as far back as i can remember, however i only began experiencing the scourge of SA at age 21 after a series of traumatic events. Prior to that period, i enjoyed a generally happy, anxiety-free existence, in that i always had friends (even though i was never the most popular kid) and little trouble socializing all throughout school. But that gradually changed in college as i drifted away from some friends, fell-out with others, eventually culminating in my complete social isolation. The feeling is very surreal when i reflect on my years before SA. It's as if i was an entirely different person, living in a completely different lifetime. Fortunately, i have a very supportive family and one good friend who has been there for me unconditionally.

09-14-2010, 02:47 PM	#11 (permalink)
Atticus Status: User Requested Permanent Ban Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: St. Louis Age: 55 Posts: 5,290	It has gotten better for me. Not a lot better, but enough that I notice and feel some relief. I have tough symptoms occasionally now, and they remind me of how heavy this SA thing used to be when my symptoms were more frequent and often paralyzing. That relief is dampened by two things, though. One is that the "soft" choices I've made, mainly staying too long in a bad marriage and still working at something that doesn't really satisfy me, is catching up with me. Everybody my age has some woulda, coulda, shoulda moments, but I can't help but think I really really shoulda done some things differently. Took the easy way out. Then there's a quirk with my SA. When I understand the role I'm playing, I don't have symptoms, or they're very mild. When I'm at work I can run meetings, participate in discussions, and seem to flourish. Then somenone asks me to lunch, and I stammer some weak excuse and hide in my office. The work stuff makes sense to me; the purely social doesn't. As my kids get older my role with them changes. My son is nearly 30, and I'm not quite sure how to be the father of a 30 yr old. I can parent a child or an adolescent where the lines are clear (to me) with relative ease, but an adult, not so much. My daughters are 19 and 16, so this therapy **** needs to start working real soon

09-16-2010, 06:49 AM	#14 (permalink)
Logan X Status: User Requested Permanent Ban Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 7,979	My SA is about the same, but my depression is a lot worse.

09-16-2010, 09:09 AM	#15 (permalink)
ASAR Status: Asar Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Croatia Gender: Male Posts: 31	for me in 3 years of my sa last year started to be much beter ..so i must say its getting better

09-25-2010, 10:50 PM	#16 (permalink)
ils25r Status: SAS Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: CA Gender: Male Posts: 561	I'm pretty much the same as sadeyes. The thing is there's all kinds of people. When meeting new people I don't know what to expect. Mainly whether my lack of social skills will be tolerated , overlooked or judged and condemned whether at the first few minutes of meeting someone or later down the road. I noticed I would try to say something at my age (mid-thirties) when in a conversation, rather than a time I didn't want to say anything at all and tried to leave a conversation. (worst being age 15-22). So maybe a little improvement over the years.

09-27-2010, 02:12 AM	#17 (permalink)
Johnny_Genome Status: I am, etc. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Los Angeles Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 1,823	I think age has simply made me rise to the realities that have faced me. As a child through my early twenties, I had parents I could rely on for certain things. Now I have only myself. When I had to figure out a way to keep a roof over my head and feed myself I simply developed new survival skills, most of them social. A big shift has been from intense anxiety to intense depression -- which often leads to those 'I don't give a **** moments'. The biggest issue I face now is relating to a peer group that has lived a 'normal' social life for the last 30 years. In some ways I've mastered the art of socializing, and people tend to enjoy being around me. But I'm still full of shame from my SAD, and have a deep-rooted self-hatred.

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09-27-2010, 01:23 PM	#18 (permalink)
honeybear1990 Status: Lauren Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Northwestern Ontario, Canada Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 332	Age doesn't matter. If you let every year go by doing nothing to improve your situation, you will be no better as the years go by. However, if you do put effort into improvement, you will get better.

09-27-2010, 02:47 PM	#19 (permalink)
Recipe For Disaster Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Michigan Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 2,557	it got worse for me as i became a teenager, then it gradually improved but it still pretty bad. you do stop caring as you get older i've found, but at the same time after college i became a lot mroe withdrawn.

09-28-2010, 12:14 PM	#20 (permalink)
caroleas Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 9	It's getting worse with me. Sometimes, I literally have nothing to contribute to a conversation and feel really inadequate. Lots of self-esteem issues here. I imagine that I am being judged all the time. I feel people are not as friendly toward me or that they don't want to talk to me. This can be quite painful.