Any of you guys have kids?

[kpiper0101]

I'm wondering if any of you have children, and if your children know you have SA. I would think my children couldn't help but notice I'm a bit of a fraidy cat, but I've never told even my oldest, who is 25, the actual severity of what I feel. I try very hard to act "normal," and I've never told my kids or my friend (no, I didn't accidentally leave off the "s"!). I guess I feel like no one would understand what I was talking about unless they had SA themselves. That's why I appreciate you guys so much.

My oldest son grew up on me, so I adopted two more children. I was a young mom, and now I'm an old mom. My youngest child is four, but already more independent than I am. She swears now she'll be my "friend forever" and take care of me, but given her personality, I'm sure she's going to have more of a life at age six than I'll ever have. I've "used" my kids to have companions in the world, ya know. They make life bearable. I live vicariously through them. Santa and the Easter Bunny are the highlights of my year! I almost believe it myself I get so into it! I can do things I otherwise couldn't when I have to do things for other people, and when I have someone with me, my SA symptoms really diminish so my children are really helping me navigate through life without ever knowing it. Every once in a while when the younger ones are both gone off to school or at friends', I realize how alone I am though, and that the kids are separate beings who will be independent of me some day, which is what I'm supposed to want for them, but it sort of depresses me. I always thought I would be a good parent to a disabled child, because I'm disabled in my own way, and I'd be more than happy to care for them for life since unbeknowst to them, they'd be caring for me too! I wouldn't feel burdened, I'd be delighted! The younger kids, though born drug-affected, are making great strides, and appear that they'll make their way through life better than I have. What do you do when your kids grow up? I guess I need to start pushing the oldest for grandkids maybe, and hope I get to babysit a lot? I realize I have some time since my littlest one isn't even in school yet, but time goes by quicker the older I get and it's my style to allow plenty of time for worrying . . . .

[Pam]

Hi. I'm 40 and never had kids. Reading your post kind of verifies for me that having them would've been great. I mean it sounds so fun.

If I were you I'd try to definitely keep kids in your life in any way you can, whether it's grandchildren or some kind of voluntering, because it sounds like you genuinely LIKE them.

"I'm sure she's going to have more of a life at age six than I'll ever have."
That's exactly how I feel around other people's kids that are 5 or older. YOU wonder if YOUR kids can tell you have SA, and I wonder if OTHER people's kids can tell there's something wrong with ME!

[Atticus]

I have 3 children; a son is about to turn 28, and two daughters who are 17 and 14. I've talked in pretty clear terms about some of my SA issues to my son, but not really to the other 2. I probably will when they're a little older.

[WineKitty]

I have been trying to figure out what you do when your kids, or kid in my case, grows up. I was a mama rather young; at 18. Here I am at 40, and my kid is 22 and living in another state.

I have been trying to pursue interests, things I didnt have time for before, and its actually quite nice to be able to do this. I am exploring things I never had the opportunity to do before.

I maintain a great relationship with my son, we talk a lot, and we have had long, heart to heart talks as well. The older he gets the better our relationship becomes.

Grandkids arent going to be in the cards for me; my son is gay. But I love him and dont expect him to live to fulfill my dreams but rather his own.

You cannot live through your kids; I think I was gulity of that at one time until someone bluntly told me that is what I was doing. Your kids are a huge vital part of your life but you shouldnt lose yourself along the way. I am talking like that is an EASY thing to do and its not. I had the empty nest thing going on for awhile; I got a dog. I wouldnt mind raising another kid; I always wanted another child but my husband is older than me by about 13 years and has no desire to raise more kids. (he has one who is also grown).

The best gift you can give your kids is to be there for them, be their strongest advocate, and also let them live their lives. Its not easy to let go, trust me I KNOW that. But its something you have to do. I am still guilty of "babying" my son but I have gotten better about letting him live his own life.

[Atticus]

Penny's post made me think of something. The way my children's ages are spread out, I've been a parent of fairly young children since I was 23. Part of me looks forward to being a little less needed, but another part is leary about what to do and how to see myself when my 2 youngest kids get a little older.

[Still Waters]

I have two kids-13 and 16. My 16 year old is mildly autistic. Because of his condition he can't connect to others very well. - I will always miss what I could have had with him. My youngest and I are extremely close, he's the first person I've ever truely understood. I would've completely missed out on everything that makes life enjoyable if it were'nt for him. I harbor a secret fear that when he goes out on his own , my life won't be very worthwhile anymore. I'm so incapable of making a satisfactory life and I don't want to just exist. - He knows about my SA- we joke about it a lot - it's always been important to me that he knows who I am - not just the Mom stuff but that I'm a real person.-Oddities and all- that said I don't burden him too much with it. For instance I seldom go on this site when he's home.

[kpiper0101]

My kids know about my oddities too -- it's a little hard to hide! They just don't have a name for it. My nine-year-old is mildly autistic as well, and though he doesn't connect to others well, for some reason he has connected with me, and in some ways I feel closest to him. He's needier and has more fears and stuff, and I guess I relate to that. I had my oldest at 20, and my youngest will graduate high school when I'm almost 60 so I've somehow managed to keep kids in my life for a good long stretch. I really feel blessed. Having the kids helps me to do things I otherwise wouldn't because I know that they depend on me. They also bring other people into my life whether I like it or not. My youngest is the polar opposite of me -- very outgoing, super people-oriented, never met a stranger type gal. How ironic that she should end up with me for a mom, but I think in some wierd kind of way, we're good for each other -- we balance each other out a bit. I expect to see her walking the red carpet or taking the oath of office some day and giving a shout out to her mom who no doubt will be sitting at home, watching her on T.V. I have three dogs for back up too since it's inevitable I'll be kidless some day. I wanted kids so that I could experience the joy of giving unconditional love, and I wanted dogs so I'd always be assured of receiving it! My oldest son and his wife are looking for a house in town here so at least one of my kids will be nearby. I think I'll always be close enough to all my children that I won't feel completely alone, but I know I'll miss having little ones that are around all the time. I'm a little needy myself, but I also thrive on being needed. I don't want to ever feel like a burden to my kids so though I can't hide all aspects of my SA, I keep it to myself to the extent that I'm able and try to do what I can in spite of how I feel inside.

[marigold115]

I have 2 kids--one is in college, and one is in middle school. My oldest son is very outgoing, has lots of friends, can talk to anybody, my youngest is very shy. My kids don't know about my SA.My husband does but doesn't acknowledge it or help me with it. My kids have been my "friends" over the years and they are who I get affection from. I often wonder what I will do when they are grown. Having kids has forced and does force me to get out more and do things I wouldn't otherwise do, but now that they are older I find I am home alone most of the time. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything or go anywhere. I've just recently begun to look online for help.

[kpiper0101]

I relate. My youngest is in head start, and just left for school. It's when I'm alone that I suddenly become painfully aware of my SA. It causes me untold anxiety to leave the house alone, but I force myself to at least go out and walk the dog every day that I'm alone. (His staring at me and whining helps get me going too!) I noticed after about the first mile, I start to feel more relaxed. If I'm going to do anything else, I try to do it after the walk because if I've already been out, it's easier to keep going. I too wonder what will become of me when the kids are grown. I don't see my SA letting up since it hasn't yet. All I can do is keep forcing myself out there . . .

[lilly]

I have a daughter who is now 15. She resents me for being like I am. She worships her dad and I'm bereft of any displays of affection from her. I remember when she was a baby and toddler and how we spent time together and now she is getting older she decides to judge me - could be the teenage thing partially but also she is afraid of turning out like me.

[kpiper0101]

My daughter who just turned four says to me out of the blue yesterday, "You're a whiney baby and a scaredy cat."

I said, "Oh, you noticed."

She said, "Yes, I'm very smart."

She's not like me, and I don't believe is in any danger of becoming like me. She's very outspoken and unafraid of people. I'm not sure what's going to happen when she hits the teen years. Teenagers can be fairly ruthless. I had the best mom in the world, and I went through a period where I wasn't very nice to her at all. It wasn't anything she did, though I may not have been able to admit that at the time, it was just me being a jerk. I think sometimes it's a necessary part of growing up. I grew up, and I'm ashamed of it now. Your daughter will come back around I bet. Mom's always get the brunt of growing pains I think.

[lilly]

Thanks so much for your comforting words kpiper. She is very rough with me and it's hard not to answer her back!
My daughter is very strong and arranges meetings with her friends in school holidays and likes being around people and meeting people even if she's quiet when she's there (not quiet at home though!!!)
I think very often everything's mum's fault :0(
:0) cheers kpiper

[Maslow]

I would have been a lousy dad if I had kids in my 20s or 30s because I felt so bad about myself. I was finally rid of most of my demons by the time I hit 40 and wanted to start a family but just didn't find the right woman.

[rafaelapolinario]

Originally Posted by Maslow

I would have been a lousy dad if I had kids in my 20s or 30s because I felt so bad about myself. I was finally rid of most of my demons by the time I hit 40 and wanted to start a family but just didn't find the right woman.

That was sad Maslow. We all have suffered enough, I personally but after having a kid it lessen up this frustrating feeling that I'm feeling. At least having them around, drives my attention to them and helps me get pass time.

[Still Waters]

I so agree with what many of you said.- I think the mom tends to be the heart of the family.-Kids feel like they have to seperate from that in order to try to be their own person. It's a phase and they will reconnect with you and come to appreciate you. It's much harder on us because of our SA. We have so many hopes for the relationships with our kids.- They may be our only relationships,and they may be the only people we ever really feel comfortable around.

[marigold115]

I agree with you totally Still Waters! But that's also what scares me most--when they are grown and living on their own, who will I have? What will I do?

[Still Waters]

Oh Marigold,I wish I had an answer for us both. I know I sound pathetic-but my kids are my life.- I'm not good enough in any other area of life. This is the one area I feel like I'm really good at. I feel strong,capable and really happy in just this one area. I'm afraid of everything else. I hold on to every little moment with them becase deep down I feel like this is the only real happiness I'll ever know.

[darkangel33]

I have 3 boys, one has aspergers ( a form of autism), and social anxiety. As he has gotten older I have found that we just get each other which makes things easier we tend to joke about the silly things we both do to avoid people. My 8 year old has GAD, OCD along with some other issues. I Know my kids are my life. I have had to face so many things that I wouldn't have had the strength to do other wise, because of them, like fighting the school district and advocate for them. I hate to say it though I am secretly grateful that my kids are the way they are, because I have never had to meet a lot of parents and they never wanted to be involved in any group things but I guess I would do it if I had to. It makes it a little easier to put myself aside when I am doing something that is for them. Now, my 5 year old is the one I am worried about he is Mr. personality hes the one that is going to have alot of friends and that means parents I am going to have to talk to!!
I love being a mom, though I think it gives me meaning everyday.

[marigold115]

I know exactly what you mean Still Waters! My oldest is a sophomore in college and when he first left for college last year I think a piece of me died. It was like I was in mourning for a while. It wasn't only that he wasn't living here full time now, but that a part of my life was over. The best part. During his senior year in high school I would think about how fast the time flew by and I'd think about when he was a baby and I would just start crying. He's a great kid and I'm better about him being away now, especially since he calls and e-mails a lot. It also helps that I have a 13 year old. And I want to be strong and healthy for both of them but I am so scared when I get around other people. My kids know the real me, (and amazingly like me anyway!) but it seems like in the past whenever I got close to someone they would eventually bail on me. So once the kids are on their own how can I go back out there and trust again? What will force me out there when I don't have to go to the kids activities? And how will I ever handle being alone?

[kpiper0101]

I'm fortunate that my oldest and his wife are looking for a house where I live so I know they're going to be close. He joined the Army right out of high school and was gone for six years, but I had a younger child, and then adopted one more so that helped me cope with his leaving. Unfortunately he was hit by an IED in Iraq and was horribly injured. They didn't think he'd live, but he has and he's doing pretty darn good considering. My fear though is that he is going to die before me as a result of the injuries he sustained. The IED was filled with rocks and one with a diameter substantially bigger than a half dollar went right through his eye socket and is lodged in his brain. At first they said they had to remove it because the risk of infection is so high, but then they said they didn't want to because he's doing so well, and they might risk his losing his ability to speak or his becoming paralyzed on one side if they touch the brain in that area. It's not a common thing to have such injuries so basically they don't know what the risks are of leaving it in there. Anyhow I have a lot of guilt because he is so into living all he can since he's been given this second chance, and I feel like I'm sort of a waste you know, like I'm physically healthy, but my fears keep me from really doing much. It's kind of not fair. His face is horribly scarred, he's missing an eye and his other eye is screwed up, his hands are mangled, but he faces the world, and people aren't always nice 'cause they don't know what happened to ya you know. For about six months he only had half a skull because they had to remove it to relieve the pressure on his brain. I went to visit him at the rehab for traumatic brain injuries, and he came to meet me at the airport like that with everyone staring at this dude with half a head, and I don't know it just makes me feel like crap that I can't be a more courageous person when there are people in this world who suffer so much more than I do. :O(