Social Anxiety Support

sandwich master · 09-22-2009, 08:44 AM

Hey guys. I've actually just moved into university residence since about 2 weeks back. During this time I've found it increasingly tough to deal with the people around me.

First to start off, I thought that on the first day when i move in, I'd be able to meet everyone just like everyone else would meet everyone else for the first time. However, I got delayed and by the time I moved in everyone had familiarized themselves with each other. That led me to believe that I could not socially interact with them. For the last 10 days I've been confined to my room, and only spoke to someone when they asked me a question or just said hi.

But on saturday, a couple of guys came into my room and spoke to me etc. It was nice. I hung out with them later, and went to watch a football game on Sunday. However, I noticed two further problems:

1) Even though I know most of them now, since they were all drunk on Saturday I feel as though they don't really remember all that much about me and so I don't feel comfortable going to their rooms and talking to them. I also feel quite distant and don't know if they've accepted me yet.

2) Whenever I am around them, I don't know what to say. It's kind of like my brain stops processing. I have nothing to say to them or ask them. It's like I run out of ideas, and I don't know why. ALso, even when I am alone and I think of the things I can ask or say to them, I get nothing. I am quite concerned about this because 2 years back I was quite open, friendly and not at all afraid of talking to people. This 'social anxiety' has only developed in the last 2 years due to several personal reasons.

Any help on those two points would be massively appreciated.

joinmartin · 09-22-2009, 09:14 AM

It's ok. This sort of thing happens a lot and I've been through a similiar thing myself. Relax, the whole "get to know people" thing usually lasts for most of the academic year so getting slightly delayed isn't really a problem. There's no cut off point where you can't introduce yourself. In halls, the best thing to do is to prop your door open for a bit when you're in if you're comfortable doing that. The amount of times I'd meet someone on my corridor and want to go knock on their door but not be sure if they were in or not.

If you want to go and talk to those guys you mentioned, go and talk to them. They came to you to start with so, chances are, they've accepted you and are like you in that they're not sure how to meet people or talk to people either. Starting uni makes a lot of people nervous and even the most apparently confident new student usually has worries about fitting in, not knowing where the lectures/seminars are, whether they will have any friends etc.

If you're worried about things to say: ask people where they're from, what they're studying, what kind of music they like, if they know any good bars or clubs in the local area, have they joined any socities yet, do they play sports....but listening is just as fine as talking so don't put pressure on yourself to come up with loads of things to say to people.

I was very nervous when I started uni. It's normal and natural to have these kind of things happening and it's ok. I went to uni thinking that I'd concentrate on studying really hard all the time because I'd never socialise and girls wouldn't be interested. In the end, I spent a lot of time in the local bars and with female students and...occasionally, I read the book for the seminar that week. Of course, if you are in any doubt about your mental health, check things with your doctor. But don't put pressure on yourself to make things perfect right away. It's early days and this is not about what it's supposed to be like. It's about your journey through university. Best wishes to you.

sandwich master · 09-23-2009, 09:00 PM

Sounds good. However, a new problem has come to be. One of the guys on my floor has moved into my room. I know at first it seems like a blessing in disguise, but then just on the first day, about 5 people (3 of which are female; 1 of whom I "secretly" admire) and none of those 5 people even said hi to me. I was watching a movie on my laptop (facing away from the door) and it's possible that they might've been put off by that.

Also, today I passed 3 ladies in the hall (again, 1 of whom I like). One of them said hi, I said hi back to her, but completely avoided eye contact with the girl I like, who incidentally happened to be standing right next to her. I know this is not me. I used to be a shy guy, but I had grown out of that in high school and in fact, most of my best friends were girls (as many as 3). And I keep telling myself that the next time I see this girl I WILL make eye contact but as soon as she appears I completely look away showing no confidence at all and I do not like it.

shelovescliche · 09-24-2009, 11:01 AM

About your third problem--try saying hi to people who come in the room. A simple "hey, I'm [name]," is enough invitation for them to talk, or at the very least say hi back. If you have your back to people anytime they come in the room, they won't be very inclined to talk to you, so by saying hi, you'll ease the tension a bit. And don't worry about making friends right away. It took me a few months last year to really make the friends I have now. You have to make at least a little effort, though. Hang in there.

sandwich master · 09-24-2009, 11:09 AM

Problem is they know my name already, and nobody comes into my room because they either think I'm:

1. A loner; 2. Shy; or 3.Scared. I want to convince these people that I am not shy but then I ask my self what excuse I can give them for why I havent been open with them since the start.

09-22-2009, 08:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
sandwich master Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 13	Help: Uni Res problems. Hey guys. I've actually just moved into university residence since about 2 weeks back. During this time I've found it increasingly tough to deal with the people around me. First to start off, I thought that on the first day when i move in, I'd be able to meet everyone just like everyone else would meet everyone else for the first time. However, I got delayed and by the time I moved in everyone had familiarized themselves with each other. That led me to believe that I could not socially interact with them. For the last 10 days I've been confined to my room, and only spoke to someone when they asked me a question or just said hi. But on saturday, a couple of guys came into my room and spoke to me etc. It was nice. I hung out with them later, and went to watch a football game on Sunday. However, I noticed two further problems: 1) Even though I know most of them now, since they were all drunk on Saturday I feel as though they don't really remember all that much about me and so I don't feel comfortable going to their rooms and talking to them. I also feel quite distant and don't know if they've accepted me yet. 2) Whenever I am around them, I don't know what to say. It's kind of like my brain stops processing. I have nothing to say to them or ask them. It's like I run out of ideas, and I don't know why. ALso, even when I am alone and I think of the things I can ask or say to them, I get nothing. I am quite concerned about this because 2 years back I was quite open, friendly and not at all afraid of talking to people. This 'social anxiety' has only developed in the last 2 years due to several personal reasons. Any help on those two points would be massively appreciated.

09-22-2009, 09:14 AM	#2 (permalink)
joinmartin Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 156	It's ok It's ok. This sort of thing happens a lot and I've been through a similiar thing myself. Relax, the whole "get to know people" thing usually lasts for most of the academic year so getting slightly delayed isn't really a problem. There's no cut off point where you can't introduce yourself. In halls, the best thing to do is to prop your door open for a bit when you're in if you're comfortable doing that. The amount of times I'd meet someone on my corridor and want to go knock on their door but not be sure if they were in or not. If you want to go and talk to those guys you mentioned, go and talk to them. They came to you to start with so, chances are, they've accepted you and are like you in that they're not sure how to meet people or talk to people either. Starting uni makes a lot of people nervous and even the most apparently confident new student usually has worries about fitting in, not knowing where the lectures/seminars are, whether they will have any friends etc. If you're worried about things to say: ask people where they're from, what they're studying, what kind of music they like, if they know any good bars or clubs in the local area, have they joined any socities yet, do they play sports....but listening is just as fine as talking so don't put pressure on yourself to come up with loads of things to say to people. I was very nervous when I started uni. It's normal and natural to have these kind of things happening and it's ok. I went to uni thinking that I'd concentrate on studying really hard all the time because I'd never socialise and girls wouldn't be interested. In the end, I spent a lot of time in the local bars and with female students and...occasionally, I read the book for the seminar that week. Of course, if you are in any doubt about your mental health, check things with your doctor. But don't put pressure on yourself to make things perfect right away. It's early days and this is not about what it's supposed to be like. It's about your journey through university. Best wishes to you.

09-24-2009, 11:01 AM	#4 (permalink)
shelovescliche Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Massachusetts Gender: Female Age: 19 Posts: 194	About your third problem--try saying hi to people who come in the room. A simple "hey, I'm [name]," is enough invitation for them to talk, or at the very least say hi back. If you have your back to people anytime they come in the room, they won't be very inclined to talk to you, so by saying hi, you'll ease the tension a bit. And don't worry about making friends right away. It took me a few months last year to really make the friends I have now. You have to make at least a little effort, though. Hang in there. __________________ Maybe the most any of us can expect of ourselves isn't perfection but progress. Michelle Burford "But this too is true: stories can save us." Tim O'Brien "No life is a waste," the blue man said. "The only time we waste, is the time we spend thinking we are alone." Mitch Albom

09-23-2009, 09:00 PM	#3 (permalink)
sandwich master Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 13	Sounds good. However, a new problem has come to be. One of the guys on my floor has moved into my room. I know at first it seems like a blessing in disguise, but then just on the first day, about 5 people (3 of which are female; 1 of whom I "secretly" admire) and none of those 5 people even said hi to me. I was watching a movie on my laptop (facing away from the door) and it's possible that they might've been put off by that. Also, today I passed 3 ladies in the hall (again, 1 of whom I like). One of them said hi, I said hi back to her, but completely avoided eye contact with the girl I like, who incidentally happened to be standing right next to her. I know this is not me. I used to be a shy guy, but I had grown out of that in high school and in fact, most of my best friends were girls (as many as 3). And I keep telling myself that the next time I see this girl I WILL make eye contact but as soon as she appears I completely look away showing no confidence at all and I do not like it.

09-24-2009, 11:09 AM	#5 (permalink)
sandwich master Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 13	Problem is they know my name already, and nobody comes into my room because they either think I'm: 1. A loner; 2. Shy; or 3.Scared. I want to convince these people that I am not shy but then I ask my self what excuse I can give them for why I havent been open with them since the start.