This is the core cause of social anxiety

[Lifetimer]

I want to ask everyone here some questions.


Do you feel uncomfortable talking and socializing with others?

Do you feel inside like you are not good enough to talk to other people, or even be around them?

Do you feel others are better than you?

Do you feel inside that you are worthless, unlovable, defective, a mistake, etc?

Do have have a tendency to try to be perfect?

Do you have a problem blushing ... blushing easily and you don't know why?

Do you feel uncomfortable laughing, sneezing, coughing, or doing any normal human action/function in front of other people?

Are you afraid to show your emotions in front of others?

Does it make you uncomfortable to express your feelings?


When these things affect your life, they cause you to want to avoid being around others. They (your internal feelings) cause you to feel less than human... inferior to others. You feel as if you are on the outside looking in. You feel inhuman, not worthy to talk to others or to even be in their prescence.

Yes, you have SA, but it is only a SYMPTOM of the larger problem - toxic shame. Please don't look at the words 'toxic shame" and assume it has nothing to do with you ... it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Toxic shame is not the same as "regular" shame.
Regular, healthy shame (healthy guilt) says, "I made a mistake or a blunder, and I can repair that blunder."
A toxically shamed person says, "I AM a mistake - everything I do is flawed and defective."

With toxic shame, we are no longer perfectly imperfect - we are totally imperfect.

Toxic shame is not necessarily about being ashamed of anything in particular that you've done (though, it could be - if it becomes internalized). Instead, it is a deep belief inside of feeling ashamed of who and what you are. It is a more on a internal feeling, rather than a obvious conscious feeling. You feel ashamed of normal human feelings, emotions and actions. You don't feel like a human being. Shame, almost literally, becomes your name.

What I am trying to do is get the word out and ask that you not only recognize it in yourself, but share this knowledge with others and pass it along so they will also know what's wrong with them and get the help they need. I cannot guarantee that toxic shame is the cause of 100% of the people here with SA. Nobody can guarantee any such claim. However, I feel VERY confident that the majority here suffer from this soul murdering condition of toxic shame.

I recommend two excellent books written by John Bradshaw, an authority and expert on toxic shame. The books are:

1. "Healing The Shame That Binds You" (Revised Edition, October 2005)
2. "Bradshaw On: The Family"

If I had to pick just one, it would be "Bradshaw On: The Family". It is more detail-intensive and goes deeply into how your family plays a part in passing on toxic shame. However, I really recommend reading both books to decide for yourself which you like best.

Just know that your healing is up to you. Nobody or no drug (anxiety drugs are no long-term cure) is going to do it for you. Go to your local library or bookstore and get a copy of one or both of these books. Or, order the books onlline. Read the custormer reviews at amazon.com or whatever online bookstore site, and you will see how these 2 boooks has changed lives.


Lifetimer

[Lifetimer]

Originally Posted by delirium

I agree. Only, this is how I understand it. Toxic shame is basically synonymous with self-hatred, or identifying with your automatic self-hating (cruel) thoughts. This is the main source of my SA. Some resources I've found useful:

http://www.self-compassion.org/suggested_reading.html (a great reading list, plus the website has useful information)

Also: Cheri Huber's "There is Nothing Wrong With You", the Think Right Now "Conquering Social Anxiety" audio tapes, and Dr. Richard's "Overcoming Social Anxiety" audio series (the latter two are available as Torrents). Also, of course, CBT.

A word of warning: I want to caution you and others not to get bogged down with TOO many books, audio tapes, etc. Otherwise, it just becomes "information overload" and it becomes overwhelming & confusing. I have learned the hard way.

I don't know anything about those other books/audio tapes you mentioned, but I DO know about Dr. Richards' audio series because I purchased it around 4 years ago. In my opinion, I think it is okay ... it was interesting - but to me it was nothing spectacular. It is also very expensive (currently $259.99, but I paid more than that). It may be worth for others to take a look at. HOWEVER, I have found the books I've mentioned by John Bradshaw to be MUCH more useful (and less expensive) and those books have made it clear to me as to why I have SA and other issues. Instead of just treating the symptoms of social anxiety, I now know the core cause of it, and I am now healing it at its root cause.

All that I am saying is for everyone to first get at least one of those 2 books I have recommended in my original post of this thread, and if you find that it has nothing to do with you (which I highly doubt) then you can move on to something else.


Lifetimer

[R4ph4el]

It seems to me this is only for those who got abused or treated bad in childhood...but I never got abused or was treated bad...

[britisharrow]

I have read Bradshaw's book "Healing the shame that binds you" and found it to be very insightful and interesting, it and it makes a lot of sense. It doesn't offer much in the way of showing you how to address the shame, other than a brief part on anchoring.

His other book "Reclaiming your inner child" may have more practical advice, I have got it and I will review it once I have read it.

[Aufmerksam]

Originally Posted by R4ph4el

It seems to me this is only for those who got abused or treated bad in childhood...but I never got abused or was treated bad...

Shame has emerged as my central issue in therapy. I wanted to point out that invalidation can contribute to shame as much as abuse. And because it's more subtle and insidious, it's harder to recognize and overcome. Most of what you'll find on the web about invalidation relates to borderline personality disorder but you can expand that to include all damage to your feeling of self worth.