Social Anxiety Support

bwidger85 · 10-27-2009, 07:56 AM

I've been working with this girl (21) for about 6-7 months. When she first arrived, our work had scheduled a bowling night and she went. That night she asked for my number and I gave it to her. The week following after the event I texted her and asked if she'd like to get coffee. Unfortunately she had a boyfriend at the time and so that didn't work out, but that's ok.

I've been going to the bars a lot lately testing out some things so I can gain confidence, etc. Well, the last three outings I ran into her briefly and we talked for a second then went back to our own business. About a week ago at work she was talking about how her boyfriend of one year moved to Columbus for a new job and how they were in a long distance relationship. I could tell it was putting strain on her because after her break she came back in the store with tears and was talking about how hard it is on her and her boyfriend to be so far away. I figured they were close and I'm fine with me only being friends with her because she's a super sweet girl and I wouldn't intrude on that anyways.

I used to think she always flirted with me because she would always get really close to me, slide up to me at work, hug me and just be overly friendly to me, but I realized that was just her personality. Well, yesterday we were talking about how we ran into each other the other night at the bar and then she starts talking about what kind of guys she likes personality-wise. She starts saying how she's attracted to the mysterious shy types (she said I was mysterious to her at one point earlier) and how her ex used to be that way, and so I'm thinking they aren't together anymore. I don't consider myself to be all that shy anymore but it really sounded like she was trying to relate what she was saying to me because I just got that vibe, and then she kept saying stuff like, "Oh, just for you.." and was blocking my entrance back and forth from places on purpose. Idk, but it makes me wonder, and honestly I'm tired of taking this stuff so seriously.

I'm going to text her within the next week and say something like, "So I guess you and your boyfriend broke up? So does this mean we can hangout sometime now?". It's a cute thing to do and I'm not going to take personally if I find out she's not interested, but it's one way to find out so I don't have to question it all the time. I think that's what dating is all about -- taking risks. I figure the sooner I find out the sooner I don't have to wonder about it and the sooner I can focus my attention somewhere else

mind_games · 10-27-2009, 08:05 AM

Good luck

Keith · 10-27-2009, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mind_games

Good luck

bwidger85 · 10-27-2009, 03:34 PM

Thanks a bunch guys

Brightpaperwarewolf · 10-27-2009, 07:01 PM

Just asks if she wants to hang out, sounds like she's into you, just jump.

Fuzzy Logic · 10-30-2009, 02:09 PM

So it's been a few days now, any progress?

bwidger85 · 10-30-2009, 06:12 PM

She's still got the bf

For what it's worth, got a date tomorrow and heading out to the bars tonight to get some more numbers! I've had a busy day so I'm going to have to suck up some energy and do the solo thing again tonight. Wish me luck!

Fuzzy Logic · 10-31-2009, 09:34 AM

Oh, well, can't win em' all. Have a good time anyway!

bwidger85 · 10-31-2009, 12:20 PM

Thanks man

matty · 11-03-2009, 09:01 PM

Your my hero,
bars, numbers, wow.
Good luck.

bwidger85 · 11-03-2009, 09:25 PM

Thanks man, but I'm still trying to prep myself to talk to more women at bars. I've only done it once successfully so far. I still want to do it more often.

Tonight I had a good opporetunity but passed it up. What is wrong with me?

matty · 11-03-2009, 09:57 PM

Trust me mate, your well ahead of me.
I had female friends scoping out girls, doing all the hard yards and I still couldnt walk up and talk to them.
Just afraid of having nothing to say. Seems to happen a bit. Dont do small talk / flirting very well. Guess I just need practice

bwidger85 · 11-04-2009, 12:31 PM

It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life so far, but I also recognize that it gets easier with practice. It may just take some of us a lot more effort to be able to do these things than others. Still, it's possible, and I continue to prove that theory on a day to day basis.

To be honest, it's almost as if I have to segment things I need to work on. For example, last night I didn't approach this one girl because I felt like it'd be rude to exclude her friend, and in my head I thought her friend thought that I thought she was ugly because I approached her friend and not her (lol)! So it just stopped me. That's what I'm talking about -- I need to work on segments and I almost feel like I have to be prepared for every scenario. It almost seems unnecessary but that's how my mind works!

I think what I’m subconsciously doing is creating positive images and thoughts in my head about specific scenarios and that gives me the confidence to say it’s going to work, and so then I do it. In reality, building up that confidence only does me good and hardly affects the situation or outcome (unless I’m too nervous to react). So yeah, I guess I’m just building confidence in increments.

matty · 11-04-2009, 04:29 PM

Well mate your doing well.
I dont have the confidence to walk upto anyone in the pub. Male or female, and if someone talks to me I try to get out of the conversation before it gets weird. Guess that doesnt help.
But I go to the pub with friends and have a good time. I just wish I could relax and socialise with other people as well. possible even get some numbers like you.

10-27-2009, 07:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 702	Gonna ask out coworker ;) I've been working with this girl (21) for about 6-7 months. When she first arrived, our work had scheduled a bowling night and she went. That night she asked for my number and I gave it to her. The week following after the event I texted her and asked if she'd like to get coffee. Unfortunately she had a boyfriend at the time and so that didn't work out, but that's ok. I've been going to the bars a lot lately testing out some things so I can gain confidence, etc. Well, the last three outings I ran into her briefly and we talked for a second then went back to our own business. About a week ago at work she was talking about how her boyfriend of one year moved to Columbus for a new job and how they were in a long distance relationship. I could tell it was putting strain on her because after her break she came back in the store with tears and was talking about how hard it is on her and her boyfriend to be so far away. I figured they were close and I'm fine with me only being friends with her because she's a super sweet girl and I wouldn't intrude on that anyways. I used to think she always flirted with me because she would always get really close to me, slide up to me at work, hug me and just be overly friendly to me, but I realized that was just her personality. Well, yesterday we were talking about how we ran into each other the other night at the bar and then she starts talking about what kind of guys she likes personality-wise. She starts saying how she's attracted to the mysterious shy types (she said I was mysterious to her at one point earlier) and how her ex used to be that way, and so I'm thinking they aren't together anymore. I don't consider myself to be all that shy anymore but it really sounded like she was trying to relate what she was saying to me because I just got that vibe, and then she kept saying stuff like, "Oh, just for you.." and was blocking my entrance back and forth from places on purpose. Idk, but it makes me wonder, and honestly I'm tired of taking this stuff so seriously. I'm going to text her within the next week and say something like, "So I guess you and your boyfriend broke up? So does this mean we can hangout sometime now?". It's a cute thing to do and I'm not going to take personally if I find out she's not interested, but it's one way to find out so I don't have to question it all the time. I think that's what dating is all about -- taking risks. I figure the sooner I find out the sooner I don't have to wonder about it and the sooner I can focus my attention somewhere else __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

10-27-2009, 08:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
mind_games Status: dances, like a fridge Join Date: Nov 2008 Age: 23 Posts: 1,565	Good luck __________________ "this is not me, this is me reacting to your perception of me"

10-27-2009, 03:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 702	Thanks a bunch guys __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

10-27-2009, 07:01 PM	#5 (permalink)
Brightpaperwarewolf Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Northern Virginia Gender: Male Posts: 928	Just asks if she wants to hang out, sounds like she's into you, just jump. __________________ Happiness is only real if shared.

10-30-2009, 02:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
Fuzzy Logic Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: United Kingdom, Northern Ireland Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 307	So it's been a few days now, any progress? __________________ “There is but a thin line between madness and genius. I have been trying valiantly to cross it, but I don’t think I’m mad enough yet.”

10-30-2009, 06:12 PM	#7 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 702	She's still got the bf For what it's worth, got a date tomorrow and heading out to the bars tonight to get some more numbers! I've had a busy day so I'm going to have to suck up some energy and do the solo thing again tonight. Wish me luck! __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

10-31-2009, 09:34 AM	#8 (permalink)
Fuzzy Logic Status: SAS Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: United Kingdom, Northern Ireland Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 307	Oh, well, can't win em' all. Have a good time anyway! __________________ “There is but a thin line between madness and genius. I have been trying valiantly to cross it, but I don’t think I’m mad enough yet.”

10-31-2009, 12:20 PM	#9 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 702	Thanks man __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

11-03-2009, 09:01 PM	#10 (permalink)
matty Status: Falling Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Brisbane Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 202	Your my hero, bars, numbers, wow. Good luck.

11-03-2009, 09:25 PM	#11 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 702	Thanks man, but I'm still trying to prep myself to talk to more women at bars. I've only done it once successfully so far. I still want to do it more often. Tonight I had a good opporetunity but passed it up. What is wrong with me? __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

11-03-2009, 09:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
matty Status: Falling Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Brisbane Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 202	Trust me mate, your well ahead of me. I had female friends scoping out girls, doing all the hard yards and I still couldnt walk up and talk to them. Just afraid of having nothing to say. Seems to happen a bit. Dont do small talk / flirting very well. Guess I just need practice

11-04-2009, 12:31 PM	#13 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 702	It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life so far, but I also recognize that it gets easier with practice. It may just take some of us a lot more effort to be able to do these things than others. Still, it's possible, and I continue to prove that theory on a day to day basis. To be honest, it's almost as if I have to segment things I need to work on. For example, last night I didn't approach this one girl because I felt like it'd be rude to exclude her friend, and in my head I thought her friend thought that I thought she was ugly because I approached her friend and not her (lol)! So it just stopped me. That's what I'm talking about -- I need to work on segments and I almost feel like I have to be prepared for every scenario. It almost seems unnecessary but that's how my mind works! I think what I’m subconsciously doing is creating positive images and thoughts in my head about specific scenarios and that gives me the confidence to say it’s going to work, and so then I do it. In reality, building up that confidence only does me good and hardly affects the situation or outcome (unless I’m too nervous to react). So yeah, I guess I’m just building confidence in increments. __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

11-04-2009, 04:29 PM	#14 (permalink)
matty Status: Falling Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Brisbane Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 202	Well mate your doing well. I dont have the confidence to walk upto anyone in the pub. Male or female, and if someone talks to me I try to get out of the conversation before it gets weird. Guess that doesnt help. But I go to the pub with friends and have a good time. I just wish I could relax and socialise with other people as well. possible even get some numbers like you.