Doing the Nightlife

[bwidger85]

Originally Posted by AKSA

I am in total admiration at what you’re doing.

How long did it take you to get to this stage, and what were you like previously before you started getting rid of social anxiety?

It's taken me all my life obviously, but I didn't REALLY start trying till these last couple of years, but it was very gradually and I've learned so mucha bout myself and other people since then.

I started having anxiety problems at 14 and had major social anxiety 15-17 to where I was totally immobilized (every symptom you can imagine I had). I just started challenging my fears very slowly and it got to a point where I went back to school, got a job, moved out on my own and now approaching women. It sounds simple enough but as you know it was a difficult transition. I can't even begin to tell you how many different screwed up thoughts I've had in the past.

Like everyone else on these forums I just started somewhere and very slowly worked up from there. It seems impossible at first and it took me years to see things the way I do now. Ironically, it's all about stretching your zones and learning. I started off IMing women on yahoo chat when I was 18 and it took me this long to somewhat feel comfortable approaching women, so that just goes to show you how much crap I've had to work out in my head, and it included learning life lessons and understanding myself and people more.

I could go on and on but it's so complex and it involves much more than learning how to approach women. All I can say is that you have to go through stuff to learn stuff and you adapt and grow from it. That's all I can really say...

[skribb]

mad props my dude! I could never go out to a place like that by myself.. i seriously would freak out and nobody want to talk to the nevious quiet loner downing beers as fast as possible just to calm his nerves...sigh... one day man one day...

[bwidger85]

Alright, heading out tonight with the intention of getting some numbers. I'll approach some people and see what happens. Hopefully I'll get more than one number tonight. I don't feel as confident as I did the other night but I'll make it a point to get some numbers

[bwidger85]

Went out to the bar again tonight. I ended up sitting at a back bar for about 20mins. I couldn’t help but notice how I felt like I was making the bartender (lady) nervous because I was watching a NBA game right over her head while she was forced to stand there, so I eventually moved to the middle bar in the main area of the bar. I sat there for about 10-15mins. A group of three girls asked if I could take a picture of them and I did. Eventually, some guys started budding up behind me trying to move in for some beers so I scooted out my chair and used that example to talk to a couple girls across the bar isle.

When I walked over to the two girls, once again I was greeted with open arms and we tried talking over the loud music. My eyes were set on a brunette, tall with a tight white shirt, but as we got talking a couple of girls jumped in between us for bar position. As soon as they did, the girl I was talking to left (probably to the restroom while her friend sat there). I started to loose interest in having a conversation because I wasn't in any position to have a conversation with a girl in between the one girl's friend I was talking to, and I also noticed the girl's friend was with a guy because he seemed intent on staying beside her, so it's a good thing I didn't go any farther and pursue that number. So I ended up leaving because I wanted a different place to go to.

Thankfully, we have about 5 bars within a block's radius from each other, so I went to the next best one. Inside I picked a spot by a lonely guy drinking a beer and started up a conversation about the Cavaliers. He managed to do all the talking and actually knew more about the Cavs than I did (surprisingly). He ended up leaving about 15mins later. There was a few girls standing around me but seemed perplexed on each other’s conversation so I figured it's best I let them be, so then I went to the next best bar.

At this point it's around 1am as I walk into the last bar of the evening. Upstairs contains a dance room with live music and a DJ. I commented on one girl's dance moves and spoke briefly but nothing special. I stood around for another 20 mins before I decided to call it a night.

So yeah, once again I had the opportunity to get a couple of numbers, but what were the barriers this time? My approaches seem to be flawless and women are really friendly towards me. I think I could of got the first girl's number if she would of hung around 5 minutes longer because I was trying to get to know her more before I asked her. I also think that I could of tried to converse with the girls at the second bar, but my notion that they were in their circle infringed upon that. The third bar I don't really care about.

So perhaps my next goals are to approach women no matter their situation (within a group, not within a group, conversing/not conversing). The sky is the limit. I will focus on that goal tomorrow as I go out again. I’m happy I went out tonight because I was feeling depressed not doing anything about my situation beforehand.

[bwidger85]

Not many ladies out tonight, but I managed to pull another number.

I was bar hopping alone again downtown and the last bar I went to I stood behind three ladies who were conversing. I just walked up, said hello, introduced myself and started with basics conversation. One of them continued conversation with me and after we talked for a little bit longer I asked if she liked to text. She said she did like to text so I got her number.

Man, this is starting to get easy or what!? I was nervous before coming out but after a few beers and talking with that some dude I felt very comfortable and I started having fun. Wow, I think I've accomplished my entire mission...

[bwidger85]

This will be my last post on this thread (I promise).


Well, went out again tonight and had a blast! I've been going there off and on through out the weeks (same bars downtown) and because of that I'm starting to run into some familiar faces. Remember that Arabic guy I talked about earlier in my posts, well he was there again tonight (he also goes solo). Well, he's a really nice and super guy and it almost seems as if people are drawn to him. There was this SUPER, SUPER, SUPER HOT (did i say HOT!?) girl standing next to him listening to us two talk about stuff. She ended up sitting down and having a conversation with him and I admire this guy (name is Anoop) because he is very kind and at the same time shy (reminds me of me).

Needless to say, I left and approach a couple of ladies within the bar. The first set didn't really seem into conversation so I excused myself and told them to have a goodnight. I then came back to Anoop and he was still talking to that really hot woman (she was probably about 25-26 and seemed very nice as well). I sat down had another beer and then decided to walk around again and see if I could approach anyone. I saw another set of girls but these two looked familiar from the Friday before. I walked up and they recognized me and we had small talk, cracked a few jokes, talked about dancing and then I asked for both their numbers and they gave it to me. One of them asked for my number after a minute or two because she said unless I give her my name she won't respond back to me because she gets random texts all the time, so of course I told her my name. I just texted them both to wish them a safe drive back; no response yet but w/e, they are nice girls and I'm happy I know them now.

So I feel like I've completed my goals for this thread. Once again, I realize that there are things yet to learn but my main objective seems to be completed, and that is feeling confident about what I'm doing, and I feel that way. I won't lie though, I am always somewhat nervous before I arrive but when I get there a lot of that dissipates. I honestly feel I could of got more numbers that night if I wanted to but I wasn't very motivated after I got those two numbers. I'm still easing into it and I realize that numbers don't mean relationships or even dating, but they are definitely a must for staying in contact with someone who may want the same things I do. I honestly am not typing all this to boast because I would of done this anyway if I wasn't on this site. I would like to share my experiences though and I enjoy doing so.



So what have I learned about my experiences going out "doing the Nightlife" solo? The following is a list of the things I feel represent my ideas about the situation:

1) Just like anything else, you can adapt to most circumstances.

2) There are plenty of people who go out alone and it's not a weird thing at all.

3) Women are just as nice as anyone else inside a bar. I've ran into one tonight, whom after I approached, said first thing, "I have a boyfriend", and that's the worst thing I've ever heard come out of a woman's mouth at a bar. That's ok, she's honest. Most of all the other women I've ran into are super nice and more than willing to talk. It's a great thing!

4) Numbers aren't a big deal. It's a preconceived notion in some of our heads that numbers mean something intrusive but it can represent a variety of things. I would say most people (men and women) give their numbers out as a gesture for friendship. Still, this is not to say that there are those who also give out their number as a request to date.

5) Conversation is easy in a bar. Just say anything, ask questions and it's up to the other person to decide whether they want to continue the conversation. If not, no big deal. You did your part and they aren't willing to make conversation possible. The emphasis is no longer your fault for faulty conversation, but rather that you gave your slice and it's up to them to dish back. Simple as that. No need to feel like you have to capitalize on anything if your asking for a number, just ask and your chances stay relatively the same.

6) Take advantage of the opportunities presented to you. You always feel better that you went (if you attempt goals) than if you were to stay home and wallow.



I'm sure there are other things I've learned but these come to mind first. Usually, I a like to stay a little humble at a time like this but to heck with it.....
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CONGRADULATIONS MEEEEEEEE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

[delirium]

Thanks for sharing, bwidger85. I'll consult this thread when I get back into the "field" and begin approaching "sets" again .