Im not talking about my close friends or my family. This is something a little bit different. I think that the my anxiety is caused by me being intimidated by other people. It could be their confidence, looks, or god knows what, but something gets to me. Let me give a few examples.
1) Last year, at my old job, I always found myself perfectly comfortable around a girl (co worker) who went to school in the next town over from mine. Although I didnt think about it at the time, im sure she was one of those extremely popular girls that would on any day, intimidate the hell out of me. I think she didnt get to me because I somehow got into my head that all she did was fake. Not in a bad way, just that her whole personality was an act. I didnt feel angry or disgusted at her. I just felt like that was who she was. Normally i would take this for confidence, but maybe because of her extremely flirty nature, I just didnt think that she was acting real, so I didnt get intimidated, and I felt fine.
2) Over the break, my old friend from my old school introduced me to his girlfriend from Maine. Extremely cute. Normally would have me anxious, but she didnt. Usually when I visit my old school, I have little to no anxiety for that night (I think its just the rush of things, and I see all of my old friends which relieves some anxiety). When we first met, it was on one of my good days (from visiting NY), so i felt fine going in for a hug. She seemed a little bit shy at first. I think a combination of that and the fact that she was somehow off the market for dating made here not seem intimidating. There was no expectation for me to flirt with her whatsoever because that would mean flirting with my best friend's girl. Turns out she was extremely attracted to me, and actually tried to kiss me (this may have a little bit to do with the fact that shes kinda ****y). Of course i didnt let her and i told my friend (bros before hoes lol), but at the time I was really confused as to why I was so comfortable around her.
3) In my old school when my anxiety was very low, I was friends with most of the popular kids. It may have to do with my looks or how confident I was as a child, but thats just how it was. Now at my new school, the only kids I feel comfortable around are the weird/nerdy/unattractive ones. Im not trying to insult them, its just that I dont want to have to hang out with them. They say weird things, talk about weird stuff, but none the less, I dont get anxious around them because they dont intimidate me. This is why i sit with them at lunch and talk to them in classes and inbetween classes, etc. Im pretty sure by the way I dress and look, I dont look like the kinda guy who would hang around with them. People have even asked me why I hang out with them. I didnt rly have an answer.
My conclusion? I have to find a way to do one, or two, or all of three things.
a) lower my perception of people. Make them seem less intimidating.
b) increase my intimidating threshold. Make my tolerance for normal people greater, so more people fall under the "not intimidating" category. Basically, move my line of intimidation up the social ladder a bit (if this makes sense).
c) increase my perception of myself, which may increase the line of intimidation, allowing for me to be comfortable with more people.
Ill make diagrams to make them more clear
a)
-----------------Popular kids<------lower this closer to the line of intimidation
-----------------normal kids<-------lower this to below the line of intimidation
-----------------Line of intimidation
-----------------not popular kids (kids i am comfortable with
b)
-----------------Popular kids
-----------------normal kids
-----------------Line of intimidation<------raise this line
-----------------not popular kids (kids i am comfortable with
c)
-----------------Popular kids
-----------------normal kids
-----------------Line of intimidation
-----------------not popular kids (kids i am comfortable with)
shift my whole perception of who is popular/normal/not popular relative to myself.
Please do not think I am shallow and that I only want to hang out with popular kids. The thing is, the kids I hang out with are not like me at all. We are totally different. I just say a lot of bs to make me seem like them so people think I actually am nerdy. I really only enjoy hanging out with them because I am not anxious around them. This is not me trying to hang out with the popular kids because I think it will make me better in some way. This is me trying to hang out with popular kids, because I have the most in common with them, and i act like them. The only problem is, how i act is blocked by my SA.
Just wanted to hear peoples thoughts on this. Does anyone else experience this? Could this be a clue as to what has caused me to develop SA? Do my experiences reveal what subconscious negative thought i could be thinking that is causing my anxiety? Is this the fundamental meaning or reasoning behind SA, and I am just repeating common knowledge? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. Ill probably explain this to my therapist (once I get one )
1) Last year, at my old job, I always found myself perfectly comfortable around a girl (co worker) who went to school in the next town over from mine. Although I didnt think about it at the time, im sure she was one of those extremely popular girls that would on any day, intimidate the hell out of me. I think she didnt get to me because I somehow got into my head that all she did was fake. Not in a bad way, just that her whole personality was an act. I didnt feel angry or disgusted at her. I just felt like that was who she was. Normally i would take this for confidence, but maybe because of her extremely flirty nature, I just didnt think that she was acting real, so I didnt get intimidated, and I felt fine.
2) Over the break, my old friend from my old school introduced me to his girlfriend from Maine. Extremely cute. Normally would have me anxious, but she didnt. Usually when I visit my old school, I have little to no anxiety for that night (I think its just the rush of things, and I see all of my old friends which relieves some anxiety). When we first met, it was on one of my good days (from visiting NY), so i felt fine going in for a hug. She seemed a little bit shy at first. I think a combination of that and the fact that she was somehow off the market for dating made here not seem intimidating. There was no expectation for me to flirt with her whatsoever because that would mean flirting with my best friend's girl. Turns out she was extremely attracted to me, and actually tried to kiss me (this may have a little bit to do with the fact that shes kinda ****y). Of course i didnt let her and i told my friend (bros before hoes lol), but at the time I was really confused as to why I was so comfortable around her.
3) In my old school when my anxiety was very low, I was friends with most of the popular kids. It may have to do with my looks or how confident I was as a child, but thats just how it was. Now at my new school, the only kids I feel comfortable around are the weird/nerdy/unattractive ones. Im not trying to insult them, its just that I dont want to have to hang out with them. They say weird things, talk about weird stuff, but none the less, I dont get anxious around them because they dont intimidate me. This is why i sit with them at lunch and talk to them in classes and inbetween classes, etc. Im pretty sure by the way I dress and look, I dont look like the kinda guy who would hang around with them. People have even asked me why I hang out with them. I didnt rly have an answer.
My conclusion? I have to find a way to do one, or two, or all of three things.
a) lower my perception of people. Make them seem less intimidating.
b) increase my intimidating threshold. Make my tolerance for normal people greater, so more people fall under the "not intimidating" category. Basically, move my line of intimidation up the social ladder a bit (if this makes sense).
c) increase my perception of myself, which may increase the line of intimidation, allowing for me to be comfortable with more people.
Ill make diagrams to make them more clear
a)
-----------------Popular kids<------lower this closer to the line of intimidation
-----------------normal kids<-------lower this to below the line of intimidation
-----------------Line of intimidation
-----------------not popular kids (kids i am comfortable with
b)
-----------------Popular kids
-----------------normal kids
-----------------Line of intimidation<------raise this line
-----------------not popular kids (kids i am comfortable with
c)
-----------------Popular kids
-----------------normal kids
-----------------Line of intimidation
-----------------not popular kids (kids i am comfortable with)
shift my whole perception of who is popular/normal/not popular relative to myself.
Please do not think I am shallow and that I only want to hang out with popular kids. The thing is, the kids I hang out with are not like me at all. We are totally different. I just say a lot of bs to make me seem like them so people think I actually am nerdy. I really only enjoy hanging out with them because I am not anxious around them. This is not me trying to hang out with the popular kids because I think it will make me better in some way. This is me trying to hang out with popular kids, because I have the most in common with them, and i act like them. The only problem is, how i act is blocked by my SA.
Just wanted to hear peoples thoughts on this. Does anyone else experience this? Could this be a clue as to what has caused me to develop SA? Do my experiences reveal what subconscious negative thought i could be thinking that is causing my anxiety? Is this the fundamental meaning or reasoning behind SA, and I am just repeating common knowledge? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. Ill probably explain this to my therapist (once I get one )