- Stop declining everyone's invitations to places, even if it does mean certain death.
....I accidentally typed "curtain" death at first, which would be quite intriguing, actually, so I'm now adding "witnessing curtain death" to my list.
- Loosen up a little, for f**k's sake. Richard Nixon was more wild and untamed than I am.
-Get myself an in with a barrel-chested Russian gentleman who knows 500 ways to please a woman. (Most of this would involve cooking with olive oil and well-honed abilities in the fine art of the Shiatsu massage.. well, at least two would involve these skills).
-Farrah Fawcett hair.
-Renew my annual celebrity death pool. Yes, I'm looking at you, Jean Stapleton.
My resolutions are essentially the same things I promise myself every year, but this year, it will all be different. I may not accomplish any of my resolutions, but I will undoubtedly develop a crippling addiction on my road to failure, and, by god, that's something. Most likely (and unfortunately), this addiction will be to Gary Larson jokes, which I will invariably have to combat with crystal meth.