Just throwing my feelings out there
I think I'm the way I am because I never leave the house. And it's not by choice. I've hardly left the house in years because I live with my fiancÚ and we only have one vehicle which he uses for work. I would work too but it's hard to find a job with a schedule that works for sharing the vehicle, plus I'm a full time college student (online classes though) so that takes up most of my time. But I never have a reason to leave. We grocery shop once or twice a month, sometimes I have appointments. Once or twice a year I get invited out with friends. But since I've been a homebody my anxiety and depression has been considerably worse. I don't answer the phone for calls, I can hardly make my own appointments. When a friend wants to talk on the phone I make up excuses not to. My online classes want me to participate in discussion boards and work in groups with my classmates and it makes me want to just drop out of school. I hate wondering if I sound stupid in front of them. I always wonder if everyone I know, even my own family, think I'm weird or secretly can't stand me. I'm depressed a lot. I think that no matter how hard I try at school, I'm never gonna amount to anything, everyone is smarter than me. I tried to quit smoking. I lasted 4 days and gave in today. So now I feel like a failure again. I feel like a burden to my fiancÚ. He's great, always says nice things and tries to be supportive but it doesn't help. He pays for everything while I stay home and go to school. He tries to take me out when we can afford it but it just makes me feel like more of a burden. I'm constantly apologizing and thanking him for all he does for me. I have 2 friends that text me almost daily. But they annoy me most of the time so I cut conversations short. I love them and don't want them to dislike me but I'm never in the mood for them. I think I need to get out more. I feel like I was happier and less worried about people when I was working. Even if I hated my job. But now I can't so what do I do? I think the solution would be for me to be more social somehow but I can't bring myself to do it. Sorry for the ramblings. Even if no one reads all this if feels good to get it out there.