I am obsessed over the judgements of other people, notably the people I know the best. I assume that I am being backstabbed and judged. I know this is completely irrational yet still.. there it is. I do my best to hide it and present a confident person.
I have carefully constructed a persona to avoid as much judgement as humanly possible. I figure if am a good enough person, people will have less fuel to judge me with. This is how I control my perceptions of what other people think of me. Since I am naturally compassionate and caring its pretty easy for me to be nice. Regardless, I am still terrified of judgement and I obsess over how I appear to other people.
This week, the behaviour of a co-worker caused me to to rage in way that is completely out of character for me. It frightened me, I could have lost my job if a white-hat had been walking by while I was an enraged safetly hazard. I actually wanted to do violence... terribly out of character! I almost punched the cement mixer.
If she had been someone I do not care about I would not have become angry. But the fact I considered her a friend made me have different expectations on her behaviour. Its the fact that she did not behave as a friend, by not giving me the benefit of the doubt and lashing out at me unjustly.
I am sensitive and cannot handle being singled out or yelled at. Especially when I do not deserve it! Its one thing if it comes from a boss or a stranger. But a friend?? it was the last straw. Hence the fear..fear of a loss of respect... how dare she behave in such a way towards me?? I became completely unhinged. Fight or flight? Fight took over...
Why am I so afraid of the judgements of my friends and co-workers? its completely insanse. Normal people would have just brushed off her behaviour and moved on considering the source. Why would someone elses irrational anger directed towards me cause me such rage? Why do I care so much what what other people think? Its frustrating. I just want out!!
I feel like I have lived in fear my entire life. I work very hard to hide this from the outside world. Yet, once in awhile someone will come around and find my fear button, despite my carefully crafted armour.
all my fear, all those times being humiliated, disrespected, stuff I thought I had put behind me comes boiling hot to the surface.
where's my zen gone??? Why do I want to smash everything??
meh, maybe I just needed to vent
ima go hit the heavy bag