Hi, I just discovered this website today after searching the internet regarding symptoms of social anxiety. I am not exactly sure if this is the only cause of my "awkwardness" or not but, I am at the point now where I need to step up and do everything I can. Also, I am a male freshman in college about to turn 19.
Every single day since I can remember,I have not felt the least bit comfortable in basically any conversations(besides my family and close friends). I will begin sweating sometimes and very often it becomes almost impossible for me to complete a conversation without constantly looking away and fidgiting around. I feel like eveyone is always looking at me when I am in public and it drives me crazy. Even when speaking among my friends, I feel like there is an entire other conversation going on inside my head.
I do not know if this is a common side affect or not but, I feel like my brain is reminding me of every little fidget, movement, or even noise I make. I always feel like people talking to me think that i'm "slow" or something. I just have so many thoughts and emotions flying through my head at once that it is too much and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.
Another attribute that I believe makes things worse is my looks. Everyone always thinks it's hilarious to joke about the size of my head. The thing is its really not that big but,just hearing people say it makes me just want to crawl into a hole. I feel like i stick out like a sore thumb every single time someone makes a comment. I have also been told that i'm awkward; that word right there gets to me more than anything. I get very defensive and sometimes angry over it, the thing is I know i am but there is nothing I can do to change it.
I feel like an outsider when I am around people that say that kind of stuff. Honestly, in general I feel like an outsider. I mean I can't even carry a conversation without being very tensed up and nervous. Not to mention my head is larger than most.
Another issue for me is that I have recieved several legal charges in the past year. When i say several, i mean at least 5 or 6 incidents. The first was for marijuana and all the rest have been involved with drinking. I have literally managed to f**k up my criminal history and job eligability in the course of a year. I know at first glance that you would think of me as someone who has a substance abuse problem but in my opinion, I do not.
I do drink very frenquently on the weekends and often find myself consuming large amounts whenever I do. I believe that my desire do get drunk is in my mind an escape from reality. Basically, for the night I dont worry about how im going to pay for court fees, explain to my parents how i messed up over and over again, and anything else that i may be worried about. I feel like my head is just constantly reminding me of everything bad that I have done.
I lay in bed every night and think about how much of a screw up I am and how I have brought so much shame to my family. It literally makes me almost break down sometimes. I feel like I am a strong minded person but I honestly just cant deal with this constant worry and fear.
The bad part is, I have already been to one office and spoken with a nurse's practicioner. I would meet with her every few months but it seemed like all she did was just keep upping the dosage. I first tried lexapro and buspirone, and am now taking two 15mg buspirones twice a day along with 40mg of paxil. I have been on these medications for about a year now and have not noticed much difference. I definatly feel calmer when the medication kicks in each morning but, I dont feel like the problem has been solved.
Please help me find a cure for this problem that has been overrunning my life.